How to overcome shame

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell, and I'm the owner of Change Radically. 

In this space, we'll talk all things inner wellness, and parenting will certainly come up too, because I'm a mom to four kids, so parenting is a huge part of my life. This space is designed for safety. Your inner child is welcome. Your past self is invited to listen as well. 

And no matter what type of day you're having, I want you to know I'm glad to be with you. I live out of vulnerability and transparency, so come and be. Be yourself. Be messy. Invite a friend, and please stay a while. Keep coming back. I want you around. Now, let's jump into today's episode. 

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Corinne Powell: Hello, hello. I am so glad to be here with you, especially thinking about today's topic. We are going to talk about shame and the authentic self.

I hope by the end of this chat that you feel deep within that there are people in life who are comfortable enough, who are okay with being with you in any moment. The messiest, the most degrading, the most heartbreaking moment. Because shame, would say that you have to show up in a certain way to be accepted. You have to be a certain way for someone to want to be with you. And you know what, maybe someone's going to be comfortable being with you for a little while if you're not so cleaned up. But at some point, at some point, they're going to say, “get your shit together”.

And as much as that might be the case, it might be even your experience, I want to talk from a higher place with this idea that it is possible to show up authentically without fighting shame, because shame is oftentimes an inside job where...Yes, we might have felt shame externally, but then we internalize it and we start to feel like we're not good enough, that there's something the matter with us that we need to change in order to be liked, accepted, embraced. And to any of you that have actually experienced that external voice of shame, that sense of shame, to your heart, I say, I am so, so sorry. That is such a hard and uncomfortable feeling to be surrounded by, to have to internalize.

I wish it was never so. I truly wish you never had to feel any bit of shame. Because... shame?

It's never the answer. To believe that who we are isn't good enough? To think that we have to fake it to be able to be accepted? That's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. I wish you only knew that you could come as you are and be yourself and who you are would be embraced. Who you are would be accepted. You deserve to experience that.

So consider, if you were to come just as you are, if you were to just be yourself, who are you innately? Describe that person. Pause the episode if you want, come back to it after I'm done. Journal, sit in quiet reflection. What with the authentic parts of you be if you let them to be? Describe this authentic you. Who are you innately? Who have you always been at the core?

That's who you deserve to be all the time. That is my hope and my dream, my vision for you. You would get to just be authentically you.

Without the internal war of having to please anyone else, of having to make sure that they think you're okay, of having to make sure that they're happy and that they're comfortable being around you, that you would just be able to show up as you. And the best part is there are people who would be comfortable with that authentic you. And those would be the people that would stick around.

I don't think we're ever meant to be liked by everybody. I think it's just kind of like how it is, you know? There are people who prefer certain personality types, who prefer certain types of people. I don't think that's anything against you as a person. I think it often, you know, is just part of the way life is and more so a reflection on like someone else's personal likes and dislikes.

I just think it's easier all around if we get to this place where we're just okay with the idea that, you know what, everybody's not gonna like me and it's okay. And instead of having our goal be that everybody feels good about us being ourselves. I had to let go of that goal. I know I used to wish everybody would like me as I was, that I would be the person that everybody would wanna be around. 

It got easier as I just was able to embrace this idea that, you know what, let me just be me. And there will be people, there are people who like me authentically for being me, but I'm not going to expect that it's everybody. And in that, I'm going to actually be okay and get more comfortable with the people who aren't enjoying me. Instead of trying to change them or change myself because I was trying to change myself so that they could be happy with me, instead of that just letting it be just letting it be a little bit there like the uncomfortable the discomfort just let it be there. How often do we just try to get away from that discomfort?

Instead of being able to just embrace it, sit with it, move through it. Not get stuck in it, not get stuck saying, my gosh, see if I could just be different, then I would feel a different energy from that other person. If I could just be different, this whole scene would be easier. Maybe the scene is supposed to be the way it is. Maybe people are just supposed to be sometimes in conflict and not liking each other.

Instead of always needing to fix it, just letting it be. And I'm speaking more to the person who always tries to fix, who always tries to keep the peace or to create the peace. That's who I'm speaking to, right? That's who I was. If you identify with that, that this is for you, this is for those of you who aren't comfortable with the tension in the room, aren't comfortable with the people being at odds.

Deep breath, deep breath. It is really hard work to show up and authentically be ourselves, but you deserve that. So in those moments where you start to feel shame creep in that says, you know “Who I am isn't good enough. I'm flawed, I'm broken. I'll never be good enough. If I could only be like so -and -so, everything would be better. If I only had such and such, it would change everything”. Instead of all those stories. I encourage you to start by embracing the authentic you, by being one of the first or you get to become safe around.

We might want other people to accept and embrace and like the authentic us. And like I said, there are those of us who would love the authentic you. But even deeper than that, do you like the authentic you? Do you embrace yourself? When you dream about who you innately are, who this authentic person, if you allowed yourself to be that, who would they be? How would you describe them? What would they look like? What would they sound like? How would they show up? How would they dress?

What type of words would they use when they talk? Do you accept that person? Do you want to be around that person? Do you like the authentic you? Do you embrace who you innately are? That's the question of the day.

Because it makes it a whole lot easier even if other people don't embrace the authentic you, if you do. Because when it boils down to it, the critics will continue to rage. The critics will always be present in some level to some

But are you joining in with those critical voices, those shaming voices that say you need to be different to be accepted, you need to always improve, to be good enough, you need to keep working on yourself? Or will you be a voice that steps out of the group of critics and sits down next to the authentic you and says, hey, I like who you are.

I know you're continuing to change and grow and develop. That who you are today isn't gonna be who you are in 10 years. But you know what? I just want you to know that I am happy to be with who you are today. I like who you are today. I accept you where you're at right now. So the goal isn't that I sit with you and say, you know, I like who you are, but I'm really more excited about that future version of you. If I do that, what am I saying? By default, I'm saying, I think you should be better. I'm gonna like you more when you're different. What the heck.

That's not me accepting the authentic you. That's not me embracing you where you're at. That's feeding into shame that says I'm not good enough yet. I'll be better off when I'm that future version of myself. I am a future thinker. I live my life now with the future in my focus, however. I don't live my life to become this best version of myself, to become this better version of myself. Heck no. I have learned, because I grew up with that idea. I grew up with that mindset. I have learned that I live embracing myself where I'm at right now. That I live loving myself for where I'm at and who I am. 

It gets me every time. I feel it so deep in my core. Emotions are great. It is so wonderful to be able to feel our emotions, to be able to cry, to be able to touch in with joy and empathy and heartache. All the highs and lows. And my kids joke with me because I can connect with their sadness so quickly and start to cry when they can't even connect sometimes with their own sadness. But it is such a beautiful thing and that's why you hear and feel my emotion. It's such a beautiful thing to be able to come to the place where we accept ourselves where we are in this moment, where we actually figuratively do sit next to our present self and just enjoy being with that person.

Because each one of us longs for that. Each one of us are born needing that. Those younger versions, those past versions of you need that too. They need someone to figuratively sit with them and say, I know you're not who you're going to be in the future, but I like you. I like you today. And you always deserved that. You truly have always deserved knowing and having a voice in every moment of your life confirming to you, sometimes not with words, just in presence, just with what somebody, the energy somebody confirming to you. that you know what? I like who you are. I'm happy. I'm glad to be with you.

We're born with that desire, with that need, and we die with that need, that desire.

So I hope in this last 15 minutes that you've been able to the sensation in your body that comes when you actually get to feel somebody saying, I wanna be with you.

I like who you are. I know, I know you want to be different. I know you have goals to change. And I can see that, I can hold space for that. But that's not what my focus is on when I say I like being with you. It's not what my focus is on when I say I like who you are. I am saying that to the innate parts of you, to who you have always been, to who you will always be.

You can't get away from that person. It's authentically you. And as the intuitive that I am, I see the innate parts

I feel them, I see them. I can look at somebody who's telling me a bucketload of acts that are disgraceful. And they're saying, this is what I've done. I'm not sitting here condoning the acts. I'm simply saying, I can see and feel and know who the person is deep down in the core. The person who wouldn't even perform those acts if they were able to experience being loved for who they authentically are. We often act outbecause who we authentically are isn't being embraced.

Think about the young child who has this tantrum, who throws something, who says something disrespectful to the adult in the room who reacts to that, who punishes them, who has a harsh response in return because they take the actions or the words personally. The child can easily learn that I better not ever do or say that again unless I'm okay with the consequence, what happened after the fact. Instead of being able to experience that, when I do or say those things, I'm still loved. 

Now there's not maybe a tolerance for certain actions, like you can be angry, but you can't hurt me when you're angry. You can be angry, but you can't throw things when you're angry. Like I understand that there are sometimes a guideline to how we can act when we're in our certain emotional states for someone's own protection or for the protection of others. But there's also sometimes a driving factor where someone, the adult, the adult in the room doesn't actually feel an empathy and a compassion for that child in their big emotions. 

They're judging the child, turning the script on themselves, like they're projecting on the child how they feel. They're worried about what other people observing think or feel. And the kid then gets to just, they just start experiencing all that as well. When a child knows this adult isn't triggered by me. Again, this isn't cognitive. The child's not going to cognitively know this. They're just going to experience it through the response of that adult. When they can experience this adult isn't triggered by me, this adult is regulated and they feel with me and they're helping me. It's a very different experience than when they feel from the adult, “you better never ever act this way or else”. 

Anyhow, I just want to wrap up by reminding your heart that who you are is good. Who you are is good. The authentic innate parts of you deserve to be able to live. They deserve to be recognized and noticed. So do a little dreaming, do a little journaling, consider who your authentic self, who you are innately. How would you describe that authentic person? How would they show up? How would they dress? How would they talk? How would they act?

And I hope that you get to become some or all of that person.

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[Ending] Here we are. We've come to the end of another episode. Sit back and reflect on what you heard. What's the one thing that resonates with you that you can take away and do something with? Let's not just listen. Let's listen and take action. Now action may look very different for us. But it's not. But it's doing something with what we hear. 

I hope that you'll share today's episode with a friend that you think would also enjoy it. And please come back next week. I hope that you have a fabulous week and that you remember when you pillow your head at night, when you're going through your days, that who you are is good. And I'm glad that you're alive.