Let's talk about how you can support yourself when you're actually in the conflict. Perhaps one of the most important things for the parentified child, the one who's learned to people please, is to have boundaries in place.

It can be uncomfortable to relax when you're used to being hypervigilant, when you're used to being the one in charge, the responsible, mature one. It can feel childish, silly, wrong to do these other things. But they are so necessary for survival, for thriving. You deserve to have a good time.

A parentified child knows more of a give than a take. They know how to offer their support more than they know how to receive support. So when you show up in a relationship with your partner, you might be doing a lot more than you should be doing and you don't even realize it.

The goal is that you're in control of your decisions, that you have autonomy in this relationship, that it's no longer you having to act as the parent to your own parent.

You see, it's up to us to show people the real you, the real me. They won't know if they like you, if they don't know who you are. If we become the chameleon, we say the thing we think other people want us to say, we act in the way that we feel is appropriate or expected, and we never share our opinion. We never do what we would truly want to do - how expect people to like us? They don't even know who we are. It's only up to us if we will show up authentically. Nobody else can do that for us. 

Boundaries may feel like limitations at times. They may feel like ways to serve and protect ourself. Boundaries are a way to support ourselves. They're a way to come alongside and make sure we meet our own needs.

I'm gonna bring up three keys for change. The first one is empowerment. No one can empower us but ourselves. People can come alongside us, they can offer us a hand. They can say, I'll go with you, I'll run with you, I'll walk with you. But nobody can make us do what only we can do. 

Before I started this journey…it's like a different person…I think one word that would sum it up would be fearful. Every decision I made was based on fear for myself, for my children, for my family.

So consider, if you were to come just as you are, if you were to just be yourself, who are you innately? Describe that person. Pause the episode if you want, come back to it after I'm done. Journal, sit in quiet reflection. What would the authentic parts of you be if you let them to be?