What are red flags in a relationship?

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell, and I'm the owner of Change Radically.

In this space, we'll talk all things inner wellness, and parenting will certainly come up too, because I'm a mom to four kids, so parenting is a huge part of my life. This space is designed for safety. Your inner child is welcome. Your past self is invited to listen as well.

And no matter what type of day you're having, I want you to know I'm glad to be with you. I live out of vulnerability and transparency, so come and be. Be yourself. Be messy. Invite a friend, and please stay a while. Keep coming back. I want you around. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

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Corinne Powell: Hello there, friends. Always good to be with you. How's your week been and how are you doing? We're going to chat today about signs of codependency and red flags in a relationship. And the reason I bring this up is because honestly, I wasn't aware that I was codependent until someone described for me what that looked and sounded like.

And I didn't recognize all the ways it was affecting numerous relationships of mine. So sometimes it just helps to talk about something to get a bigger understanding of it. So for you, when you hear codependency, what comes to mind? Is it the scene of the person helping out the family member who is less able, perhaps a physical disability or someone who is sick and they've been sick for a long time, chronic illness and another family member helps them out. And so the relationship is lopsided because by default it has to be that way.

That's a little bit different than the type of codependency I'm going to be bringing up. Even though that might fall into the category, of codependent, it's for a different reason. There's actually a physical limitation versus codependency that is a coping mechanism. You see, in childhood, we all learn how to make it through, how to feel safe, how to basically survive. And even though some homes are very loving and all the needs of clothing and food, and housing are provided for, there can be emotional needs not met. And so in that instance, a child figures out in every home, honestly, whether the situation was wonderful or whether it was toxic and dysfunctional, kids are always gonna figure out ways to cope.

And codependency, for some people looks like noticing the room, recognizing the emotional states of different people, and trying to predict what's gonna happen so that we then can do something to create a different outcome. So perhaps you see there's tension in a conversation and you know, if that conversation, that heated conversation continues going forward, somebody might blow up. And then when somebody blows up, the next thing will happen and the next thing will happen. So you see all that coming, you predict it coming. So you say, if I can just somehow get in the middle of those people in conflict and create peace, help them resolve this or bypass it, then we can avoid that future outcome, which will be extremely uncomfortable, which I hope doesn't happen.

Now, even though cognitively I get how that all can make sense, it isn't the responsibility of that person to come in between the other two people and to create peace. Those two individuals who are in their argument really are fully capable of figuring out how to diffuse that argument or allowing that argument to continue and choosing to manage themselves in a way that isn't harmful to them or anyone else. They are responsible to learn how to regulate. So the third party that wants to step in isn't the responsible person to do that. And in codependency, things get really lopsided, they get really confuzzled, and people start...say there's the person, that third party I was referencing, that codependent person, they start to try to protect other people and themselves from the natural outcomes.

They apologize profusely for everything. And it's as if they're the problem. They're the mistake. And if anyone needs to fix it, they need to fix themselves. When there's always multiple things at play, multiple people that are responsible. The codependent person may avoid speaking of their successes because they don't want someone else to feel badly. They will ask permission to do things when they are a grown adult themselves. But it's because they want to, again, avoid...the natural byproduct, say if somebody doesn't want them to do that or doesn't like their choice, doesn't agree with their choice, well then there might be a repercussion. There might be an uncomfortable conversation. There might be some sort of harsh punishment in some toxic relationships. It really truly can be volatile.

And as much as protecting oneself is important, at some point, it's also important to step out of toxic relationships as the best means of protecting oneself.

Sam S Let’s go with this clip for the preview

Another way codependency shows up is by one person neglecting their own needs because remember they're so hyper focused on everyone else. They're so focused on keeping the peace, on making sure things are all stable around them, trying to create a sense of safety without so they feel safety within. In that process, they neglect their own needs. They don't even know what their likes and dislikes are. And they run depleted because everyone else is their focus. Everybody else gets their attention. Everybody else gets their energy and their time. And they may be internally frustrated and not even aware of it.

For me, this looked like packing my husband's lunches. But here's the thing. I was packing his lunches not because he asked, but because I wanted to ensure he had food while he was at work so he wouldn't be hungry, so he would be taking care of his body. I was taking responsibility for something that was his responsibility. The point isn't that it's wrong to make someone's lunch. It's not. One adult is not responsible for ensuring another adult is staying healthy. Say you have a friend or a partner who wants to lose weight. And they ask for accountability. Accountability might sound like checking in with them, asking them how it's going. They might have specific ways they're hoping you can keep them accountable. Meet them at the gym these certain days at this certain time so that they have somebody to go with. What you aren't responsible for is going to their snack cabinet and making sure they don't have any snacks in there that they don't want to eat. You aren't responsible to be over their shoulder or to act like a parental figure. You aren't the one needing to control their choices. They need to figure out how to manage themselves. Again, accountability is not a problem. But when things become lopsided, and one person takes more responsibility for another person than is theirs to take. That's when it becomes toxic. That's when we deserve to take a hard look at things and come to terms with, am I doing more than I need to do? Am I allowing this other person their own autonomy? And even if they don't want their own autonomy, they deserve their own autonomy.

So you saying, no, I have a boundary that I'm not gonna overstep. I'm not actually going to critique what they eat. I'm not going to be the fly on the wall that says you shouldn't be eating that. You shouldn't, mm -mm, remember you're on a diet. That is not the way it should be. More often than we do, we need to shut our mouths and to not actually say all the things we think and not give our opinion out to people who aren't asking for it.

Adults and children both need to be treated with all that respect. Now, of course, child and parent relationship is going to look different than parent to parent, like adult to adult. But even parent to child, codependency can show up. If I don't want my kids to have explosive outbursts, I may pacify them to avoid that outcome I'm uncomfortable with.

That's not the point. The point isn't for me to avoid the outcome. It's for me to learn how to self-regulate, for me to be there to co-regulate with my children, to show them how we can actually face something super uncomfortable, very disappointing, feel that sensation in our body, allow that sensation to move through, help us to discharge that emotion, and then get to a baseline of feeling regulated again, of feeling like, you know what? Life is good. I was disappointed, but I was able to move through that disappointment and now I see something else I'm it can be excited about.

That's the natural progression that oftentimes gets hijacked and people get stuck in their disappointment and they cannot get past it. They get stuck in their tantrum and they can't move through it. And so if you're hearing what I'm saying and you're considering your relationships and you're thinking, you know what, I think actually this shows up in my relationships as well. Consider what was the family you grew up in like? What was modeled to you by your parental figures? What was the atmosphere of the home? What emotions were welcomed and what were not? What was tolerated and what was not?

And in looking back, we actually gain insight and understanding, which helps us in moving forward. And if you're reflecting on yourself and on your patterns and the way you relate to people and you're actually feeling this desire to create change, then my suggestion is to just continue to notice as you interact with people, what's going on subconsciously for you? What are the sensations you feel in your body? What are the ideas that run through your mind? What are the emotions you notice?

If it is that other person, you start to notice that, all right, they're agitated. I don't know if they're frustrated with me or what they're frustrated about, but I'm feeling the urge to start to walk on eggshells, to start to consider what I say and not say, and to consider how I interact with them and what I allow myself to do and not do. Noticing that is the first step.

Because then when you notice it, you get to deliberately choose. Do I want to walk on eggshells or do I actually want to allow them to have their agitation and figure out how I can be comfortable with their agitation and what boundaries might I need to set up to protect myself from whatever might possibly happen. But remember, protecting yourself doesn't mean stopping the natural process that other person may go through or should be allowed to go through. Protecting yourself might be stepping away from that other person and still allowing them their own process. But when we interfere with their process, we've taken something into our hands that isn't necessarily for us. We've taken on responsibility that isn't ours. We've taken control and power that isn't ours.

Sam S Can I hear this portion that you highlighted as a potential preview as well please. I’ll decide after I hear them both. And again, I understand it feels safest to do that. And as humans, even in the animal kingdom, our goal is to be safe, to figure out how to protect ourselves so we can survive. What I'm suggesting is there's actually another way to protect yourself. There's another way to keep yourself safe besides controlling that other person. And that's figuring out within yourself what you need to do to support yourself to actually be able to sit with the discomfort you're feeling and move through that discomfort naturally to be able to discharge it. So that no matter how the other person responds, you can sit back and say, I responded the way I wanted to because when it boils down to it, we aren't responsible for anybody but ourselves. We get to decide, we get to actually learn how to control how we respond and other people are each responsible for themselves.

And of course, I can help you in this. I can help you heal and change the patterns if this is something that you really do want in your life that you want to change. I've done it within myself. It's what I help other people with as well.

And I think it's worth bringing up that as a codependent person, we can often feel taken advantage of by other people because you see, we say yes to so many things. We bend over backwards for people. We're the most amazing partner and parent and friend that we don't have our needs met. We don't allow people to meet our needs. We don't allow ourselves to even have needs.

And we may be internally frustrated or externally frustrated because, “Hey, why isn't somebody doing for me? Why don't they notice?” And some people, sure, they're just going to take advantage. But other people don't realize that they're taking advantage because they're just going along with the pattern that you've set for them. They have a need, they ask for your help. You say yes. It's not actually wrong for them to ask for help when they have a need. It's your responsibility to decide if you're going to meet that need. If you want to, if you're able to, if you have the resource within you to. Now, if somebody can't respect your boundaries over time, you say, no, I can't. And they push against it. And in the future, you say, no, I can't. And they push against it. And they never get to this place where they're like, all right, I respect that. I get it, you can't do it. I know you care and for whatever reason you're not able to, to help me out right now. And that's all right. Then it may be that this type of person needs to be somebody you distance yourself from. Maybe they are truly trying to take advantage of you and manipulate the situation.

I know that there are other people who are not trying to take advantage, who are not trying to manipulate. They are just used to you saying yes. And until you change your own patterns, you really, it's not for us to say they should be different. It's for us to change ourself first and see how they respond and then make our relational decisions based off of these long-term responses, not the initial one. I mean, somebody that is used to you saying yes may have a strong reaction when you say, no, I'm not going to do that. They're familiar with you always saying yes. I think to say, I'm done with that person. I'm severing that relationship because they had one big response is unfair. But if they aren't able to get used to the boundaries you place and respect those boundaries, then yes, certainly, they may be a relationship that you need to let go of. And that's for you to decide, for you to observe and consider within your own life.

So as I wrap up, I just wanna remind you that you deserve equal support as you give other people. You deserve to care for yourself in the same beautiful way you care for other people. And you deserve to receive care from others. It's alright to have needs. It's very normal to have needs. You're allowed to have needs. We all enter this world, being needy. And we will always have needs. Learning how to support ourselves will look like learning how to meet our own needs and learning how to ask other people for help as well.

And I hope that as you've listened, if you felt like, my goodness, Corinne you're sharing things that are really hitting home for me, that you don't leave feeling overwhelmed, that you leave feeling empowered, that you know what? There is change available. If you want to live with different patterns, if you want to be a different person, if you want to stop doing for everybody else and allow yourself to receive, it's possible. I can help you experience that or you can find another supportive person to help you experience that. But the best is yet to come. There is so much good ahead for you and I hope you start to experience it all.

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[Ending] Here we are. We've come to the end of another episode. Sit back and reflect on what you heard. What's the one thing that resonates with you that you can take away and do something with? Let's not just listen. Let's listen and take action. Now action may look very different for us. But it's not. But it's doing something with what we hear.

I hope that you'll share today's episode with a friend that you think would also enjoy it. And please come back next week. I hope that you have a fabulous week and that you remember when you pillow your head at night, when you're going through your days, that who you are is good. And I'm glad that you're alive.