Change the Dynamic of Your Relationships Part II

[Intro] Hello and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive guide, and I absolutely love helping people to heal from within so that they can create a life that they love, a life that they enjoy. 

We weren't meant to just tolerate and get through life. We were meant to thrive and enjoy the life we're living. Of course, we will have seasons and moments that are difficult and challenging, and the beauty of it is that we can be supported in those moments. I am here to be an aid and a guide to support you, and I hope that you will enjoy not only today's episode, but some of the past episodes, if you haven't heard them yet. 

On this podcast, I talk about all things inner wellness. We also sprinkle in some spirituality and parenting because as a mom to three kids, parenting is a big part of my life. I hope that you enjoy the episode and that there's at least one thing you'll pull from it and start to implement into your own life. 

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I hope that you enjoy the episode and that we connect. 

Corinne Powell: Today's episode is a continuation of the conversation we started last week, and it's another excerpt from a live event that I hosted. I hope that you will be understanding as pieces of this live event are put together to give you the most of what I could. And because there are lots of parts to the conversation, it may not flow in every way, but I hope that you're going to be able to listen and take some things to heart and incorporate them into your own life if you wish. And my hope for you is that it will help you feel more empowered in your relationships and safer within your body. Enjoy the episode. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah, that's very empowering. The way other people act doesn't have to hurt us and wound us every time. I can identify with that. I totally get it. Yeah, I have little pep talks with myself. Sometimes so and so is allowed to feel so and so away, and it doesn't mean it's personal. And yep, it's changing the way we think, changing our perspective. And like you and Mariah both said, in different ways, just giving permission to things that in the past, we've needed to control. 

That idea of ownership that I highlighted in last video I sent that it takes two people to keep an argument going, right? And sometimes just recognizing that we can own our part in the dynamic of a relationship can be empowering. And that does not mean that I think that relationships actually work well when only one person takes ownership. I don't think relationships work well when only one person takes ownership. But I do think the benefit to it is that we can actually live with more peace and joy ourselves when we recognize how we're showing up to the relationship. I do well with examples, so I apologize if it's frustrating to hear examples, but when Evan and I are interacting, if I can realize that he might not be doing something that makes me feel comfortable, but I know how to create a safety within myself no matter what he's doing, then, yes, the dynamic of our relationship may not be fabulous, but at least I don't have to feel torn up inside, and I can actually be settled within myself, even if he is in whatever place he's in. 

So that's where I'm coming from when I'm saying taking ownership and recognizing that, wait a second. How much of this relationship is actually about him? And I need to make a little bit more of it about me. And in that sense, that I take care of how I'm doing, not needing him to be okay for me to be okay. I think it's helpful, though, when we realize that stuff is coming into the relationship that actually isn't about even us and that other person. It's about stuff from our past. 

To me, that's empowering because it gives me something to work with. I love it when I know there's things I can actually work on and it isn't affected by this other person. I don't need this other person to be somebody different towards me, for change to come, for peace to come, for my happiness to be what it is. 

Client: I think for me this week, and I've been more intuitive with how I feel. Like my body, like, okay, what are you feeling right now? Do you feel like your hands are getting claimed me? Is my neck getting red? Or do you feel like I just was driving? Like, hey, just what are you feeling? 

Corinne Powell: And being aware of the sensations, the physical sensations that you were experiencing. Way to be mindful and connected with yourself. I love it. 

Client: That's been helping me a lot in any second. I don't know why, but I cannot fall asleep at night. I have this really. It's been like over a month. I cannot sleep and it's just getting to sleep. So I just lay there and I try to feel. Okay. Start at your toes. But that has been helping me a lot. Yes. 

Corinne Powell: What parts did I play? And how can I create a sense of safety within myself even if the other person is still not acting in a way that makes me feel comfortable? Kind of like knowing that we can learn to be okay even if the other person isn't, and not that our joy is dependent on their joy or our well being depending on theirs. I think that's more of a big deal when you've come out of codependency, people pleasing. 

So, like, for any of us who had parents that were emotionally unregulated and unstable, we did not have somebody helping us to create a sense of safety and steadiness within ourself when we were a kid. So we only learned to try to help our parent figures be okay so that we could feel a sense of safety inside of ourselves. And when we translate that into living out life that way, it means, like you said, Mariah, we're kind of constantly trying to make sure everybody is okay because we think that's our ticket to feeling, which it's a hard thing to subconsciously be making sure everyone else is doing all right. 

We talked about triggers last time we met and I'm curious. I think we should pick that up again because I'm wondering if any of you have realized some of the areas you are triggered in more so than you knew even two weeks ago. I'm going to give a personal example. I've recognized that sometimes religious phrases trigger me. 

And I thought it was just because, oh, I don't like the boxed in religious mindset. And I realized it's not that. It's because sometimes religious phrases make me think that I'm not allowed to feel that I have to have this positive mindset, this willingness to look at the bright side, even though I might be in a really shitty spot, to be plain. And it was empowering to realize, oh, it's not actually the religious element that's upsetting me. It's this underlying idea that I was taught as a kid. I did grew up in an environment where I was conditioned to believe that I couldn't feel the whole range of emotions. 

I was taught that anger was not okay, that you should be always willing to forgive, and that was looked at as so they might have done something wrong, but just try to come to terms with it and let them off the hook instead of recognizing yes, that's fine. But I'm also allowed to feel the disappointment over what they did. I'm allowed to feel anger over what they did, because anger is not wrong. What I do with my anger could be a whole different ballgame. 

If I go and punch someone in the face, I get it. Hey, I needed to control myself and not let myself go there, but to actually feel. Thanks for laughing, Chris. To feel anger, not the problem. So that's what I mean by trigger. It starts to make me feel this. I start to feel. I won't even say that because it doesn't make me. I start to feel this sort of way within myself. And it's all because the home I grew up in, maybe the faith community, but really, the home said emotions. We don't look at emotions so much. We just need to choose the positive outlook. 

And I'm about both. Let's feel what we're feeling, and let's choose how we want to go through life. And I agree. When I am taking care of how I respond, it changes the dynamic of my relationship, say, with Evan, who's who I relate to most. So just emphasizing what you guys are all talking about and that idea that. No. With emotional health comes so much freedom that you can feel how you need to feel, and I can let you be there. You don't have the same conflict sometimes if you're not willing to speak up for yourself. But speaking up for yourself is a good thing to do. It's just some of us learned how to be super passive, so there was less conflict, but there really wasn't less conflict. It was just all stuff. 

The grounding exercise in the workbook is a means that I use when I start to feel triggered, because I recognize that I feel unsafe. So when we're triggered in some sort of way, we feel unsafe and insecure. So if we can learn to. When we know we are safe, like you said, somebody's not, they're going to get angry, but they're not going to put a hand on me. And if you know that, then you can say, I'm in a safe situation, but you're flashing back emotionally, flashing back to times when you haven't been in a safe situation. So you're in a safe situation. And now the goal is to actually be able to ground yourself so that your body can feel safe, because your body remembers when it has actually been unsafe, and you're only trying to find a means of safety and security. And that's why the trigger is there. 

It's actually just a normal byproduct of the trauma. But grounding yourself, creating a sense of security and safety within your own self, means that you'll be able to be triggered, and yet it not affect you in the same way. Because the problem isn't being triggered. Right. It's what we internalize in that moment. So if we can recognize, oh, someone's getting angry, I've experienced this before, I'm a bit afraid. And then in that same moment, we know, like, the next thought, oh, but right now, I know I'm safe. This person's not going to hurt me. They're just upset, they're frustrated. They feel disappointed. This is how they're releasing it. 

And you're like self parenting. You're reminding yourself, you can even visualize, it depends on each of you. But, like, visualizing, I'm in this bubble, I'm safe in this bubble. The anger is outside of the bubble. And getting yourself back into the present moment, the grounding is to get yourself back into the present reality so that your mind and your body knows we're not where we once were when somebody was angry and we were physically unsafe. We're in a different spot now. We're in a different experience, basically, different people have different methods. Right? But the idea of grounding yourself is, what I suggest is reminding yourself, through verbal or just mentally, phrases, like, right now, in this moment, I am safe.

 So you're trying to help your inner child settle down and being able to get in touch with what's in your space, right? So I could feel the cushion under my seat, or I could feel the table, and I'm trying to bring myself back to this present room that I'm in so that my mind and body isn't stuck in a past experience. And I personally do some shaking. So I'll move my hands like this, which helps with sometimes releasing trauma. And then I'm putting my hands on my heart. Sometimes I'm saying to my inner child, like, I might step out of the room for a moment and remind myself, like, Corinne, you're okay right now. And I connect with the little girl I once was, and I say, I'm so sorry you feel unsafe right now. Nobody's going to hurt you. If we're talking about, like, someone getting angry and we remember when we've been hit, you're safe right now. Nobody's going to hurt you. 

And I'm connecting with that younger part of me who was hurt to remind her that it's not anymore, and she is going to be well taken care of now. So I explain it, like, step by step in one page of the worksheet. But that's kind of in gist, what I mean, what I do. And it's just a means of pulling myself back from my past into my present and helping my whole psyche to feel more regulated and secure. 

Client: Is in his bed sleeping, and he didn't need an iPad today, and he was so quiet. I want to kiss. I want to hug. Okay. See you. As it took a long time to get there, but I feel like this has even helped you talk with my parenting so much. The advice you gave me of just hugging my son because he's very needy. Today was a little rough, but it was not as bad. It hasn't been as bad as it was last week. 

There's moments throughout the day, but then I just stop. Okay, let's go sit on the couch for a little bit. And now I don't know if this is good to do, but I say, okay, I got to start it. When it says five, I got to start the dinner. So he'll look at my watch. Does it say five? I'm like, no, not yet. You can just. When it says five, when they want a toy. All right, Luke gets 3 minutes. Okay, now give it to Jackson. And then he'll say, jackson's turn. So now they're not fighting as much because they think it's like a game, maybe. I don't know. But it's been helping so much. 

Corinne Powell: Good. I'm glad 

[Ending] We've come to the end. What did you think about what you heard? I hope that there's something you pull from today's episode and start implementing it into your life. 

Create the change that you want to see, the change that you hear about. You have the opportunity to transform your life, and I'm ready to link arms with you and to help and guide you to the life that you want to live. 

If you resonated with what you heard today and it touched you, would you share it with your friends? Would you also go ahead and rate my podcast and write a written review? It would mean so much to me. I hope that we'll connect, whether it's for a session or just to connect, because I enjoy meeting new people. You can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically⁠, or on Facebook Change Radically. You can also always email me. corinne@changeradically.com if you have thoughts, questions, or anything that you just want to talk about, send me an email. 

I hope that you have a wonderful week, but no matter what your week is like in the moments that are quiet. Maybe it's when you pillow your head at night, or when you're driving in the car or taking a walk. Or maybe it's going to be in the midst of the chaos with your children or the craziness of work. I hope that you'll remember how significant you are, that there is meaning and value to your life, and that I, for one am so glad that you're alive. 

Catch you again next week.