Parenting Tips

[Intro] Hello and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive guide and I absolutely love helping people to heal from within so that they can create a life that they love, a life that they enjoy.

We weren't meant to just tolerate and get through life. We were meant to thrive and enjoy the life we're living. Of course, we will have seasons and moments that are difficult and challenging and the beauty of it is that we can be supported in those moments. I am here to be an aid and a guide to support you. And I hope that you will enjoy not only today's episode, but some of the past episodes if you haven't heard them yet.

On this podcast, I talk about all things inner wellness. We also sprinkle in some spirituality and parenting because as a mom to three kids, parenting is a big part of my life. I hope that you enjoy the episode and that there's at least one thing you'll pull from it and start to implement into your own life.

If you want to follow me in other ways, you can find me on Instagram, ⁠@corinne_changeradically⁠, or on Facebook, Change Radically. Would you do me a favor and share this podcast with your friends? If you hear an episode that resonates with you and would you also go ahead and give me a rating and review my podcast? It would mean so much to me and I would appreciate it. I hope that you enjoy the episode and that we connect.

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Hey friends, jumping into parenting today. As you might know, I have three kiddos. Vivi is nine, AJ just turned eight, and Layella is six.

So I am no expert, but before I was a parent to my own children, I was helping raise my siblings. I feel like I've been doing this mothering thing for a while, but really I'm coming alongside you as a friend. I had somebody request, they said, “I just want some tips on some things that relate to parenting, interacting with my kids, helping them to co-regulate”, which is basically what we need to do for our kids before we expect them to self-regulate and know how to manage their emotions on their own.

We're supposed to help them in that process and that's what co-regulation is. So there are many good podcasts that are specifically on parenting, many good experts in the field, and I suggest you seek them out and listen to them. But once in a while, I'm going to pop in and talk a little bit about parenting from my own experience since I'm a mom.

And I think each one of us as parents, whether you're a father, a mother, or just a parental figure to children, you have something valuable to share and we can all learn from each other. So that's what I'm here today to do, just to share from my experience and take what you want from it, leave what doesn't work, leave what doesn't resonate with you. 

All right. So the question was basically how to deal with the stress of parenting because the nature of parenting, it is stressful. Relationships are difficult. Relationships are stressful.

Working any job is stressful. Simply living life is stressful. So parenting is one of those areas that for sure produces stress, but it's by no means exclusive to parenting.

And I've been fascinated, to put it nicely, to hear the way some people talk about parenting because, yes, it's a hard job. Perhaps it's a thankless job, but I do think the thanks is in watching your children model what you've taught them. In watching your children become beautiful, humans who add beauty to the planet and kindness.

I have been thrilled to see my children grow up and recognize they know how to empathize. They know how to be interested in people, in how people are really doing. They are kind.

They are friendly. I love, to me, that is my thanks. I don't feel it's a thankless job in that regard, but it for sure is difficult when you are a parent day in and day out and you're on call at night because if they need you, you're there and you're there to help them.

And you have dishes and meals and laundry and driving and all the other things. If you homeschool like we used to, then teaching your children and having them home with you all day, this is no easy task. And I have a husband and a partner who is helpful, very involved, a great dad.

And I know all of you don't have that. And my heart goes out to you because I know how much more challenging and how much more stressful it must be to not have that support. And the other part of the question that I received was how do I teach my kids to be truly happy? And so we're going to get into both, how to deal with the stress of parenting and how to teach kids to be truly happy.

It really starts and ends with us. And maybe you don't want to hear that, but so much of what our children absorb is what we model to them. And so much of what we've absorbed is what was modeled to us.

Perfection is not the goal. If you are a good enough parent, your children will be fine. Every kid will probably need therapy.

That's not a negative reflection on a parent. We're humans doing the best we know how.

Nobody gives us a parenting manual. Sure, there are books written on it. Sure, there's good advice out there, but every child is uniquely themselves.

You are parenting your children. No one else has ever parented your children. Your children are individuals. They are unique. How you parent one of them is not going to be the way that you're going to be always able to parent the other. Or if you do, it may not be in those two children's best interest. They need you to recognize them for who they uniquely are. 

Some of my kids only need to know I'm disappointed, and that will crush them. They will feel so sad and want to do whatever they need so that I don't feel disappointed.

Others of my children could care less if I'm disappointed. It's a lot to do with personality and the makeup of our children. And there's so many facets to each one of us as individuals.

But what you'll need to do for one child may well be different than what you need to do for another child. So look at your children as individuals. Get to know them.

Really know them. What they love. What frustrates them.

How they find their satisfaction in life. Are they self-assured? Do they lack confidence? Are they needing to know they fit in? Or do they truly believe that they have a place already? Understand that the best gift you can give your children is being present. And it doesn't mean you're with them all the time.

But when you are with them, even if that's for 15 minutes a day, be present. Connect emotionally. Ask them about their day.

If they don't want to talk, try to find out about one thing. Maybe share one thing about your day, but remember, it's not all about you. No kid is going to want to hear all about what their parent has going on.

And if they do, that child is probably a child who you need to have your own boundaries with. Because if a child is willing to be a support to you as a parent, you as a parent need to create a boundary so you do not depend on your child as a support. That will become a toxic relationship.

And I know this because I was a parentified child. I was a child who my parents confided in, depended on, gained support from. It was to my detriment. So children should get to be kids. And children don't need to be their parents' best friend. 

Hear my heart. There's nothing wrong with being friends with your kids. But when a parent seeks out their child to be their best friend, it becomes toxic. The parent needs to seek out their own adult friendships and then create a friendship with their child that can blossom.

But when a parent depends on their child and doesn't have enough other friendships so that they're pulling strength from their child, something needs to be looked into. Delve into that. Discover why that is.

Because it's not in the best interest of your child if that's happening. OK, so let's get back to the practicals. It doesn't take much, but connection, being present, is super important.

I've heard it said 10 minutes a day where you are simply present with one child at a time will satisfy them, where they will feel happy. They will feel loved. They will have an easier time getting through their days.

For me to take one walk, one loop, one walk around our neighborhood, it's about 10 minutes. Sometimes I'll do that individually with each one of my kids. If I have my phone with me, it's only to take a picture during the walk or before or after the walk.

I'm not on my phone. My goal is to connect with my child by talking or simply being with them, arm in arm. Maybe they're riding their bike while I'm walking, but we're connecting.

We're present with each other. I'm not distracted by other things, my phone, what's going on in my life. I'm not talking about the things I want them to change, my disappointments in them.

That's not the purpose. The purpose is to connect, to have fun, to be. Simply be present with that child. For them to know they are my focus. And then I'll bring that one child home and I'll take the next one around. Just this week, I was gone one day and I knew I was going to be gone half of the next day.

And my kids love having me around. They're on break right now and they hate when I'm gone. So I figured before I was going to be gone for that second day, I would spend time with them.

So I played a game with them in the morning. And then I invited them to take a walk each individually around the neighborhood with me. One of my kids wanted to, another one said, I don't want to walk, but let's take a drive around.

So we hopped in the car and we listened to a song that she wanted and we drove around for a bit. And the other child didn't care to do either. So I said, okay, that's fine.

And so sometimes it's instead of folding the clothes while we're watching a movie, because I often fold laundry while I'm watching a movie, I'll sit with them on the couch and actually snuggle with them while we're watching the movie. At bedtime, they may want me to lay down with them. And I do that sometimes.

I don't do that all the time, but I do that sometimes. But here's the thing. I do it for two minutes.

I say, I'll lay down with you for two minutes. And I really, truly lay down with them for about two minutes. But I'm present with them.

I might have my arm around them. I might stroke their hair. I'm connecting with them.

I'm present. And then the two minutes are up and I let them know, two minutes are up, I'm gonna go now. If they say, oh mommy, one more minute. Sometimes I say, okay, one more minute. And that's it. Sometimes I say, no, not tonight. But they appreciate those two minutes. They value that time. And I think kids learn, they learn to adjust to what we offer them. Granted, I'm with my children often. I'm very involved in their life. 

Maybe this looks different for the parent who's not around much at all. But still, to some of you that need to know, it doesn't have to be 45 minutes every night. It doesn't have to be until your child's asleep. I'm one of those people who tends to not want to be in with my child, laying down with them until they fall asleep every night, because I don't want them to get in a habit where they can't fall asleep unless I'm there.

So I'm that parent who sometimes lets my kids go to bed with music playing, and sometimes has them go to bed where it's quiet. Because I want them to be able to, I want their bodies to be able to know how to fall asleep with music on, or how to fall asleep in quietness. And I was the parent who vacuumed while my kids were napping, just so they would get used to noise and be able to nap through it.

I'm not sitting here saying whether that is scientifically a good idea or not. I'm just saying what I've done, because I didn't want to have to tiptoe around when I had kids sleeping. So my kids go to bed at night.

Once they're asleep, we and my friends, my husband, myself, my friends, we could all be in the dining room laughing, talking, and my kids would sleep through it. Maybe you'd say that's just your kids, but a part of me thinks they did get used to the fact that this is what I have done with them ever since they were little, and I really did it so that I would be able to function in my house even when my kids are sleeping, and I wouldn't feel like my whole life was revolving around them. Even though it really was revolving around them, it was just I created a reality that felt like it would work well for me at the same time that I was taking care of them.

Of course, my goal was to make sure my children could sleep, but I also looked ahead and said, well, how do I want this to work out for me in the end? And so I'm just sharing a few things in case it's helpful to hear. I wanna go on to talk about kids and emotions because I think children are often not allowed to experience the full range of emotions that we wish everybody else would let us experience. 

Adults get to experience a full range of emotions in some cases, but kids are often told, you know, they can't have tantrums, not to be grumpy, to be grateful and happy, can't you just stop crying? And all these things are a way of us denying their reality, suppressing their emotions and teaching them that they need to be a certain way in order for us to be happy with them.

And I think it's important that we recognize when kids are grumpy or they're sad or they're clingy, there's a reason for it. They have needs just like we do. And there are times when my children need me to hold them. They need me to snuggle with them multiple times in a day. And I recognize they need that and I offer that to them. And there are other times I just make sure I hold my kids.

I make sure I give them a kiss. I hug them. I get excited when I see them because I'm not putting on a facade. I'm choosing to do these things because I wanna convey to my children they're important. I love to be with them and their needs matter to me. Within this, boundaries and choices are so key.

Kids need to know boundaries. They need to know that, you know, when mom or dad says this, they mean it, that there's limits, that when there's certain behaviors or certain decisions they make, then there's a natural consequence, the natural result, the byproduct of that decision. If you protect your children from all the natural consequences, you'll do them a disservice.

If every time I bail my child out, say they forget their lunch, and I make sure they have a lunch somehow, granted, they go to school about an hour from home, so I wouldn't be running their lunch down, but you get the drift. If I did this for them, I bet you that child would more easily forget their lunch almost every day because they're not getting into a practice of needing to remember it. Mom always makes sure they have it.

So sometimes it's gonna be necessary to watch our children experience the pains of life, and it's gonna help them learn. On the flip side, there's a balance. It's okay to help our kids out.

It's okay to compromise. It's okay to meet them in the middle. Going and helping a young child clean their bedroom because cleaning their bedroom by themselves feels like an overwhelming task seems reasonable to me.

Even for my eight-year-old, my nine-year-old. If they need me to jump in it with them and help them out, I will do that because they're still participating. They're still doing the task.

I'm making sure I don't do more than they do in it, but I'm meeting them in. I'm saying, I know this is an overwhelming task. It seems like a big deal, and we're gonna get this done together.

I feel like I'm really teaching them that there is help nearby when they're doing the hard things in life. Many of us may not have experienced that help, but that's why I'm in the work I do because I want people to know help is nearby. I think help is nearby.

I think we need to experience that, and in parenting, I want my children to know that. Gradually over time, yes, they should get to a place where they can clean their room by themselves, but I'm not worried about that happening. I know that they will.

I know that they will get there. I can gradually do less and less when I help them out, but I'm still in it with them. I could simply be present in the room even or suggesting, oh, hey, why don't you pick up the clothes now and just helping them in that way.

All right, moving on to choices. I want to give you an example of how you can give your children a choice. I think choices are so empowering. Say your kids are running around. You do not want them running around, so you're trying to figure out, how do I get them to stop this? Give them a choice.

Say, guys, I don't want you to run right now, but you can either sit on my lap or you can sit next to me. Or you could say if they're too old to sit on your lap or you can walk or you can skip. I'm trying to give you a scenario so you can catch the gist of it and then you can implement it into other areas of your life.

Basically giving them two options that work for you, that also work for them, empowers them to know they get to choose and pick what's good for them, but it also establishes boundaries that you're the one taking care of them. You're still picking what the choices are because you're the one taking care of them. And as they get older, you can give them opportunity to choose.

I don't want you to run. What are two other things you could do right now that aren't running? And they could come up with two suggestions. Make this work for you, but choices are so helpful.

My kids do very well with them and this is something that works very well for other parents too, from what I've heard. And I really feel like it's a way to empower children because we as parents need to be able to compromise. If I sit here and say, I know it all, I know the best way for my kids, then I think I've done them a disservice.

Neither you or I know what's best in every regard for our children. We're learning, we're growing, we're evolving and changing. And it's important that we look at our kids and see them as valuable and as intelligent human beings.

Yes, they may be young, but they have so much to add. So much to add to the conversation. I can learn from my kids, you can learn from your kids.

Our children have a wealth of value to add. And I think it is important that we as parents put aside this idea that we know what's best for our kids. Or at least that we always know what's best.

Maybe sometimes, sure, you know what's best for them and they can't see it, I get that. But we don't always know what's best for our kids. And if we do, then I think we should explore why we've come to that conclusion.

And why is their voice not important? Why does what they have to say, I don't care if it's a one-year-old or a two-year-old, what they have to say, their opinion should matter. We need to care about what they say, how they think, how they feel. All children should know that they're considered, even an infant, even an infant.

You might have them on a feeding schedule. But if that baby is expressing, and I truly know that babies can express, you can hear them, you can hear their cries. Their cries mean different things, right? You know with your own baby, you could be in a totally different room and hear their cry and know, oh, that means they need a diaper change.

Oh, that means they need me to come. That means they're hungry. I mean, I can be in a fully different room and hear my child and say, oh, that cry means they don't think anybody's coming to help them.

That cry means they're scared right now. They feel powerless. Like it's, yes, I guess it takes knowing our kids, learning them, but this is something we're all capable of.

Some of us might struggle with it more than others, but we can learn. And it's so important, just like you need to know your voice matters and your opinion counts, our kids need to know the same thing. All right, jumping down to another piece of this parenting, probably the how to deal with stress piece, you need to carve out space and time for yourself.

Maybe it's 10 minutes here, but tomorrow it should be an hour. 10 minutes every day isn't gonna work. 10 minutes every day is necessary, but you need more time than that on some days.

For your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing, it is important and necessary to be taking time for you. Find supports, utilize them. You might need to pay for some of them, whether that's a babysitter, whether that's a coach, whether that's a fitness program, whether that's a support group of some sort, and then find ones that you can go and utilize a library program or a support group that's no charge and meeting people for play dates.

Do what you can to have supports, to create connections. Maybe it's gonna mean FaceTiming friends if you're socially distancing or taking a walk, asking family to pitch in for an hour or two here or there. You deserve a break.

Parenting should not be a solo job. Even if you have a great partner, bringing in other supports is still important. Parenting should be more than just, all right, so they're your kids, sure, but it isn't a solo job.

We should be parenting in community, gaining support, utilizing help. I understand, like I said, you will need to pay for some of it, but that's still important. It's still important for you to have your time.

And if you have an unsupportive extended family, I know that makes it harder. It makes it more challenging. I've been there. My husband and I have felt at times like we just don't have enough supports. That is hard. But still carving out some time for you.

That's a reason we put our kids to bed early. We've always put our kids to bed early, and people will say to me, I don't know how you do it, and I'll say, I did it for my own sanity. When my kids were young, and I had all three of them in a very short span, I was taking care of one of my nephews full-time.

We needed, I needed time, downtime. I was exhausted by the end of the day. And so I would put my kids to bed early so that I had a longer evening.

Kids can adjust to new schedules just like we can adjust to new schedules. Yes, it takes time. It's that gradual progression of teaching them, okay, we're gonna go to bed 15 minutes earlier tonight, and then after you do that for a week, you add in 15 more minutes.

You're going to bed now a half an hour earlier than you used to. You can create a new routine. And I'm just suggesting this, I'm giving you an idea.

You take this and implement it in the way you need. I'm throwing out some ideas for you to get your creative juices going. Create ways for you to get a break.

Even if you're home with your kids all day, there are creative ways you can get a break. Strategy is gonna be necessary in parenting. You know that already.

You've been doing it, you know that. But just seconding, I'm just seconding that, all right? So I've been running long here, and I don't want to take too much more time today. But if this is a topic you want to talk more about, you have specific questions, let's continue the conversation.

Just to reiterate some of the key points. Our kids watch us. They are gonna model what we've modeled to them.

By our kids knowing that we are present with them when we're with them, we're not on our phones every time we're with them. It can be short amounts of time, but be present, be fully engaged. Connect emotionally by asking them how they are.

By being physically affectionate in a safe way and in a respectful way. When your kids want space, giving them that space, you know? If a child doesnt want a hug, I see parents smother their kids and the child is like “I didint want that”, respect that. You would want to be respected if someone is trying to hug you and you don’t want the hug you would want to be respected. Let’s offer our kids that respect and then recognizing that they have emotions just like us and I encourage you not to diminish their emotions but to try to undersant why they feel the way they do by asking questions. 

“You seem upset right now, you seem sad, what is that you are feeling sad about?”. Or maybe you recognize, somebody just pulled a toy away from them. “Did you feel disappointed when you were playing with that toy and so and so pulled out of your hands?”. “Yeah I understand, I would be disappointed too. Do you want to look for a different toy? Or do you wanna see about getting that one back in a minute?” Let’s put a timer on and in a minute you get that toy back”. 

So stepping in and helping your kid out at different times, empathizing with them and then making space for yourself so that you are energying yourself so that you have what you need to give back to your children. That also means you gotta get the sleep that you need because running on empty means we have a much harder time responding to meltdowns and kids that are disrespectful, if we are rested we are able to handle our kid's emotions much better way.

Alright? Kudos to you parent, high five from me, we are in this together!

[Ending] We've come to the end. What did you think about what you heard? I hope that there's something you pull from today's episode and start implementing it into your life.

Create the change that you want to see, the change that you hear about. You have the opportunity to transform your life. And I'm ready to link arms with you and to help and guide you to the life that you want to live.

If you resonated with what you heard today and it touched you, would you share it with your friends? Would you also go ahead and rate my podcast and write a written review? It would mean so much to me. 

I hope that we'll connect, whether it's for a session or just to connect because I enjoy meeting new people. You can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically⁠ or on Facebook Change Radically. You can also always email me corinne@changeradically.com. If you have thoughts, questions, or anything that you just want to talk about, send me an email. 

I hope that you have a wonderful week, but no matter what your week is like in the moments that are quiet, maybe it's when you pillow your head at night or when you're driving in the car or taking a walk, or maybe it's going to be in the midst of the chaos with your children or with the craziness of work. I hope that you'll remember how significant you are, that there is meaning and value to your life. And that I for one, I'm so glad that you're alive. 

Catch you again next week.