Finding Safety Within Sex

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive guide, and I absolutely love helping people to heal from within so that they can create a life that they love, a life that they enjoy. 

We weren't meant to just tolerate and get through life. We were meant to thrive and enjoy the life we're living.

Of course, we will have seasons and moments that are difficult and challenging. And the beauty of it is that we can be supported in those moments.

I am here to be an aid and a guide to support you. And I hope that you will enjoy not only today's episode, but some of the past episodes if you haven't heard them yet.

On this podcast, I talk about all things inner wellness. We also sprinkle in some spirituality and parenting, because as a mom to three kids, parenting is a big part of my life.

I hope that you enjoy the episode. And that there's at least one thing you'll pull from it and start to implement into your own life.

If you want to follow me in other ways, you can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically⁠, or on Facebook, Change Radically.

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It would mean so much. It would mean so much to me, and I would appreciate it. I hope that you enjoy the episode and that we connect.

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Hi, friends. Always good to be with you. Today's conversation is a mature subject, and so just in case you have any little ears around, I wanted to give you a heads up.

And perhaps you already have your earbuds in or you're getting a few minutes to yourself. But if your children or young ones are nearby, then you may want to.

Listen to this at a later time or pop in your earbuds. This is a topic that has been on my part for several months.

And like several of the other topics that have come out on the podcast recently, there are conversations that I've wanted to open up and have with you for a while.

But they're also sensitive subjects and ones that I just needed to wait until I was fully ready to talk about it. As you know, I'm a very open person, I'm transparent. I'm authentic. But there are many things that I never get into.

Even though I do share a lot about my life and my personal experiences, there's parts that I keep to myself. And I think that's important. That's healthy. And I also think there's always permission for any of us to share about anything that we want to. To talk about any subject, whether it's taboo in some circles or inappropriate in others.

In this space, you and I are invited to talk about anything that we need to, anything that's on our heart, anything that's of importance to us.

So I share that to basically begin, begin right in. And I want to share with you about how you can continue on your healing journey, even during sexual intercourse, in the middle of sexual experiences that can be very triggering, especially if you've encountered trauma within your body as it relates to sex.

Then it's going to be a very, this conversation is going to be helpful, and it's going to be necessary to talk about this. And so I'm coming from the place of having experienced sexual trauma when I was a child. And that has meant that as an adult, having sex has become a very triggering experience for me.

I didn't always recognize this. In fact, I blamed my partner for a lot of the intrusive thoughts. For a lot of the disconnection that I experienced during sex, and I've come to realize that it doesn't mean he hasn't played a role because he has his own history and he has his own story that he's brought into ours.

And it has affected me in the bedroom or wherever it is that you have sex. But I have been empowered. It's been liberating to recognize. That many things I experience are due to my own past traumas and the response my body has.

So, you know, like I kind of touched on the healing journey infiltrates all areas of life. And that includes what happens during sex.

And because I personally experienced sexual trauma when I was younger, I would emotionally flashback. And I still do during sex.

And, you know, it's, it's easier during foreplay to engage, but during the sexual act of intercourse, it's much harder for me.

And so I have to be aware of the intrusive thoughts and I can choose to counter those if I wish. And, basically that just looks like as a thought comes in you mind and that starts to disrupt your interaction, disrupt the connection, I can choose to put that to the side and say, in this moment I am safe and I am loved. And I want to engage in this act with my husband.

And for me, it actually is true that I am safe in the relationship I have with my husband. I am loved. And so I know that's not the case for everyone, but for me, it is. So I'm able to remind myself of that, but it doesn't erase what's happened to me in the past.

And my body remembers what I experienced in the past. And so does yours. Our body remembers.

And, so for me, and I know many of you are going to be able to relate to this. I am often very excited in anticipation of sex. But then once we engage in the act of it, my body shuts down. It literally feels like a switch gets turned off, and the excitement is gone, and I have to determine that I'm going to continue in this act even though I feel very disconnected from my partner, from my body, and it's the same powerless feeling that I experienced when I was a young child. 

So again, my body experienced sexual trauma. It hasn't forgotten. I've healed some, and I will be healing even more, but on the healing journey, it is progressive. Everything doesn't happen at one time or overnight.

There are layers, and so I've healed some layers, and more needs to be healed. And because of what I experienced when I was a child, I have this same feeling when we get into the act of it. Let's just get it over with. 

And I recognize during a healing session that that's what I remember feeling and thinking when I was a child. I reconnected with my child self and my body at that time, and I had this feeling of dread, of heaviness, and I wanted to get away from my perpetrator.

I did fight to get away, but I was literally powerless in that sense. I was less powerful than the adult male that was holding me down.

And because I was weaker as a child, because children are weaker than grownups, the powerless feeling was legitimate when I was a kid. In addition, there were other adults around, but they weren't helping me to get out of the situation I was in. Now, I'm not saying that they knew everything that was going on, but they could have helped. And I recognize, and this is not an excuse, this is never an excuse for someone who should have been taking charge over you as a child and helping to protect you. 

But I recognize that many of the adults that could have helped me, namely one, felt powerless, too. And that's simply an acknowledgement. It's not an excuse.

The parent figures, the caregivers, should always protect a child. I have no tolerance for a child not being protected. As I parent my children, I used to be hypervigilant to keep them safe because I was so afraid of them experiencing the same trauma that I did. But I've recognized as I've healed, that healing is available to all of us.

And if something were to happen to my children, again, I do take precautions in order to avoid something happening to them, to protect them from something happening to them.

But I'm no longer hypervigilant because I recognize healing is available to all of us and I cannot protect my children from everything that might happen to them in their lifetime.

I for sure will be there to help them. To stand in the way so that someone else is not able to hurt them and abuse them. But I know that I am not able to protect them from everything. And it's not our job to protect our children from everything. We simply can't.

And it's not good for our nervous system if we are hypervigilant and always on guard trying to protect our kids or other people, even ourselves, from the pain that is a part of life.

And so, going back to just the sexual encounter, when I would go through the motions but not be very emotionally connected or engaged with my husband, it was just a byproduct of my past experiences and what my body remembered. So as I heal, it gets easier. It's not always easier.

And sometimes, we have a beautiful experience that I'm able to fully engage in and enjoy in and other times we don't. But the pressure is off now. I recognize that I let myself simply be and I don't expect myself to have to have an orgasm. I am okay if I don't. And I'll still work through the disappointment, but I allow it to be that way. 

If that's where it must be right now, then I'm okay with it because I know that I'm not going to be able to do it. That it won't always be this way. That I will be able to engage more fully as I heal more.

I want to give you some practical ways that you can integrate back into your body and to begin to create a feeling of safety within your body during sexual experiences. Specifically, sexual intercourse. And so, I want to encourage you, as I do in other areas, to breathe. To be aware of your breath.

To not be tensing up and tightening up, but to be relaxing and breathing. Sometimes I experience my body shaking and I cry. And I recognize that that's another part of healing. And so, if that happens for you, my encouragement is to let it happen. To let your body express what it needs. To let yourself be in that moment. To not judge yourself for what's happening, but simply to, you can get curious and to let it be.

Now, this does mean you're going to need to have a safe partner that you're with. Someone that's willing to be there as you're experiencing these physical responses. And someone who's not going to need to make it to stop so that they can feel better. So that they can feel okay.

And it's important during the sexual act to pause and to talk with your partner. To connect emotionally. This is an emotional act. It's not just a physical act.

I often will acknowledge how I feel and what's going on for me in the middle of it all. I'm aware of it in my mind and then I want to take the next step and share it with my husband.

I don't always do that, but that's my end goal. And then I think it's also important to have that communication during sex where you're asking your partner, what feels good, what's comfortable. Finding out preferences. Asking questions. Engaging in conversation. 

I hope that some of this is helpful to you and you can pull something. And if you want to continue this conversation, then let's do it. But this is a start and this is my means of coming alongside you and letting you know if you experience challenges during sex. You're not alone in this. And it doesn't always have to be that way. 

It won't always have to be such a struggle. If you want to heal, healing is available. And I'm right here ready to help you.

[Ending] We've come to the end. What did you think about what you heard? I hope that there's something you pull from today's episode and start implementing it into your life. 

Create the change that you want to see. The change that you hear about. You have the opportunity to transform your life. And I'm ready to link arms with you and to help and guide you to the life that you want to live.

If you resonated with what you heard today and it touched you, would you share it with your friends? Would you also go ahead and rate my podcast and write a written review? It would mean so much to me. 

I hope that we'll connect. Whether it's for a session or just to connect because I enjoy meeting new people. You can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically⁠ or on Facebook,  ⁠Change Radically. You can also always email me, corinne@changeradically.com. If you have thoughts, questions, or anything that you just want to talk about, send me an email. 

I hope that you have a wonderful week. But no matter what your week is like, in the moments that are quiet, maybe it's when you pillow your head at night or when you're driving in the car or taking a walk, or maybe it's going to be in the midst of the chaos with your children or the craziness of work.

I hope that you'll remember how significant you are, that there is meaning and value to your life, and that I, for one, am so glad that you're alive. 

Catch you again next week.