How to become less codependent?

[Intro] Hello and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive guide and I absolutely love helping people to heal from within so that they can create a life that they love, a life that they enjoy.

We weren't meant to just tolerate and get through life. We were meant to thrive and enjoy the life we're living. Of course, we will have seasons and moments that are difficult and challenging.

And the beauty of it is that we can be supported in those moments. I am here to be an aid and a guide to support you. And I hope that you will enjoy not only today's episode, but some of the past episodes if you haven't heard them yet.

On this podcast, I talk about all things inner wellness. We also sprinkle in some spirituality and parenting because as a mom to three kids, parenting is a big part of my life. I hope that you enjoy the episode and that there's at least one thing you'll pull from it and start to implement into your own life.

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Hey friends, I am so excited to share with you today because I want to take you on a journey and basically allow my story to help you heal yourself and come out of codependency even more. If you don't know what I mean when I say codependency, I'm just going to quickly describe what I think of when it comes to the word codependent. Basically, it's the person who cannot feel okay unless everybody else that is in the room or everybody else that's in their family, the people closest to them that they care about are doing okay.

Codependency looks like people pleasing and being the hero even when it's unconscious. So for example, if my friends were sick, I would have been the person to bring them a meal, go and do some loads of laundry, clean their house, run some errands, like do all the things to help them out. So it looks wonderful, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

And when I say the wrong reasons, I mean, here's what I mean by that because I don't want to judge reasons as good or bad. More so, I was doing it out of a place within myself that wasn't able to feel okay unless I helped them out. To see somebody in need and to not jump in and help them felt wrong to me.

I had conditioned myself from very young age to help make everybody else better because you see, I grew up in a home where my parents were not emotionally able to regulate themselves, their own emotions, and so they didn't know how to help me do that. So I just saw people that were feeling panicked and anxious, depressed, and out of control, and I wanted my environment to feel safer. So if I could help them out, it would mean my environment felt better.

So I was really doing it to protect myself and to help myself out, but it became a pattern, a way of living. And I was so unconscious to it because it was how I had grown up. So the ways that we are conditioned don't feel out of ordinary to us.

It's only been in the last several years that I've recognized my codependent traits and that I've understood there's a different way to live. I can choose to live interdependent because we are going to be dependent on people. That's normal.

It's typical to need people for them to need us, to be a support, and there's nothing the matter with that. It's just that I'm thinking you're probably catching from what I just shared that for me it was very different. The root reason why I was doing what I was doing was off balance.

So I wasn't allowing people to help me as much as I was helping them. It was always me doing, doing, doing. To receive felt super scary.

It felt wrong and I was not comfortable with it. So I needed to learn how to receive. And actually as young children, we should be given opportunities to receive without having to give back.

Now there comes a natural progression where we need to learn, of course, as a child to receive and give back. But if we never learn how to simply receive, then we will always have a need. There will always be a part of us that still needs to learn that.

It's a natural stage of development. So if we do not catch something at the natural stage, we have to learn it later on in life. So I've basically been learning, learning as I go.

And what I'm so excited to share with you today is that I have seen more inner healing because it shows up as a difference on the outside. Basically, I can tell what's going on inside because of what shows up on the outside. And it's shown up in my relationship with my husband.

Now you've probably, if you've listened to all my podcast episodes, you've heard an episode where I talked about codependency. And I basically was trying to quickly explain it for you. If you didn't catch it yet, you might want to go back and listen to it because it might help just to give you a fuller picture.

And I share in that episode about my relationship with my husband and how a few years ago, it's about three years now, that I was away and I came back and realized how I had been trying to protect him from himself, from his own choices. Because I was really trying to protect myself from the pain that I would feel when he made those choices that hurt me, hurt my heart, hurt our relationship, and created a relationship that needed an energy, a vibe in the house that sucked. And so I was, I recognized my codependent traits and said, no, no, no.

If this is how I'm acting and this is how I'm living, I am so ready to stop this pattern. So it became drastic changes. But they showed up in very normal, everyday type of living experiences.

For instance, I would make my husband's lunches every day because if he didn't, if I didn't make his lunch, he might not take a lunch. And I knew he would be hungry and he does physical work. And I knew that wasn't good for his body.

So I would be protecting him by making his lunch so that, hey, even if he didn't have time or he didn't make time for it, he would have a lunch ready to go. When I realized the root reason I was doing this, I said, no more, done. And it had to be for me a drastic shift because I was so ready to make strides in this area.

I had already been making changes. I had already been moving forward and healing myself from within. But this was the time to move forward in an exponential way.

So there was a lot of personal growth during that time. And now recently I've seen a new level. Another layer of healing has come to me.

I have been practicing. You get to hear me talk often about practicing to learn because anytime we want to unlearn a condition pattern and start living a different way, we have to practice. Something does not become second nature without doing it multiple times.

So I am being intentional to recognize myself and how I'm showing up in situations, how I'm interacting with people. And when I'm interacting in a codependent way, people pleasing, and doing things to keep the peace at the expense of my own self, at the expense of my energy, and my joy, you know, like if I'm going to run myself ragged just so that everybody else is okay in my family or in my friend circle, then I'm doing something to a degree that I shouldn't be because I should be able to actually manage my own self, get the rest I need, and be a support to my friends. If I'm only being the support to my friends and not being a support for myself, then I know something is off, off balance.

And so with Evan recently, what I've recognized is I am now to the point and I sat on this. I sat on this for several weeks because I really wanted to say I'm at a new... I wanted to be able to watch myself and know that, no, no, no, no, no, this is actually because this is a result of deep healing from within. And so as the weeks have passed, I felt like it's the time.

It's the time to share with you. And as a result of more of the deep inner healing, I'm in this place now where I don't need to know what's going on for Evan all the time. I was hypervigilant. I was needing to know how he's doing and what he's doing so that I could basically determine for myself, do I feel safe enough? 

And that's all a mind game because I was determining I felt safe enough even though I couldn't know for sure if he was telling me the truth or not. And I was only allowing myself to feel safe if he said, yes, I'm doing fine. Everything's good. We're good. Now, I'm at this place where I don't really need to know. I'm not talking about caring about him.

I care about how he's doing. I ask him how he's doing. I'm happy to hear him verbally process. I'm happy to hear how his day is and what emotions he's feeling. I am talking about something that was much bigger than that. And it's been this amazingly beautiful experience.

It's so much lighter. It's so full of ease to not carry the weight around of, I don't know if I can be okay because I don't know if he's okay. No, I'm saying I'm good right now.

I don't know how he's doing, but no matter how he's doing, I'm going to allow myself to be doing just fine. And it's this idea like when we hear of tragedy. I'm not dismissing the tragedy.

I'm not suggesting we shouldn't be empathetic. I'm not suggesting we shouldn't be a support. But if tragedy, which will occur every day, all day, all over across the globe, if it is always going to shift our mood, if it's going to spiral us downward, cause anxiety, depression, panic, overwhelm, and basically ruin our day, then I'm suggesting that something is not as it should be. I can hear about tragedy. I can empathize and touch in with how other people are feeling. 

I can be touched by their pain and I can choose to separate myself and say, that is not my own pain. I have enough of my own pain and I will love those people. I will pray for them, send them good energy. I will be a support in a financial way if that's what is needed.

I will be a support in other ways if it's appropriate and I have the energy and it feels like the thing I'm supposed to do in that moment, but I will not allow it to shift everything about my day because this can sound so callous. It can sound so wrong, especially if you were brought up in a way that I was brought up. I mean, it can sound like the total opposite way to live, but here's the thing, because the tragedies are going to happen all across the globe all day, every day. If we allow all of that to affect us, we will always have a reason to be spiraling downward, to be depressed, to be anxious, to be overwhelmed, to panic. 

What you have going on in your own life is enough. Be a support to other people. Sure. Be a helpful resource. Sure. Be full of love, but recognize, recognize what's going on the deeper level for you. Why are you doing what you're doing? Why are you responding the way you're responding? Become aware. Really, it matters so much the why of what we're doing.

It's also a window in. It helps us to understand more about ourselves. It helps us to understand more about our condition patterns, the ways that we grew up, that we were told was the way to go, was the way to live, was the way to think and believe.

All of that is affecting us until we recognize it and choose a different way if that's what we need to do, if that's what feels like the thing to do. So, with my relationship with Evan, another layer of healing has come because I am able to walk through our days feeling separate from him. It's almost as if we're in our own cubicles, so we're connected.

It's a deep relationship. It's the closest relationship I have to any human being right now, and it's a very... It's a thriving relationship. It's a very special relationship to me. There's deep connection there. But I do not feel controlled, manipulated. In all sorts of other words, we could attach to it, and that is so freeing.

And I've been able to see myself relate to Evan in other ways too, where, I mean, it's translated. You know me. If you've been listening to my episodes and you've been following me on social media, you guys know that I'm a pretty transparent, open person.

So if you have little ears around, you may want to close their ears right now. But basically, I want you to know that it's even translated to affecting our sex life, and it's making it so much easier for me to relate to Evan in that intimate way. It's making it easier for my psyche, for my body. It's allowing me to recognize, and this might be a topic for another podcast episode, but there is so many ways that I'm recognizing new things that I hadn't been able to see before. So as we get healing in one area, or a new layer of healing, it allows us to be able to see things in another area we couldn't see before, and it's this beautiful progression. 

Because I couldn't have been able to deal with it all at one time. If I was aware of something in another area that needed some attention, needed some love, needed some nurturance, I wouldn't have been able to focus on that if I was also focusing on this other area. So there's such a gentleness in this process, and I really think it's a beautiful process. And I share this with you because, like I said at the beginning, I want you to know that what is happening for me is available for you too.

So if you are one of those people, and many of us are, who cannot be okay unless the people closest to you are, or if you are the one who does over and beyond for your friends, but you don't let them do the same for you, then take to heart what I'm saying and just let it touch you in whatever way it's supposed to. I don't know all the ways that it's meant to affect you. I knew I was supposed to come here and share what's been going on for me.

And there's more coming. There is more depth of healing coming to me. And you hear me talking about it right now, and it sounds so wonderful, and it is. It's exciting. It's refreshing. But a couple weeks ago, I came on live on Instagram and talked about how it had just been a hard set of weeks. And guys, here's the thing. There are ups and downs to the healing process. There are highs and lows. Like we all know, it's not linear. 

But there is so much beauty in that. Because I see it as a natural progression. So in the moments that feel overwhelming and very low, I know it's not going to stay that way forever. And I remind myself of that when I'm in those moments. Sometimes we label emotions and the ups and downs as something.

But really, so much of this is typical. It's a part of the experience of living. So no matter where you're at in this moment, if you feel like you are in a season, a time that's difficult and challenging, and you just feel like, will it ever end? Will it ever get brighter and get lighter? I want you to know that it's possible. It can. It will.

It does depend. In my opinion, it depends on what you do. If you never reach out for support, if you never learn about tools and ways of living that can help you, then maybe it won't get better for a long time. Maybe it won't get better forever. But I see things getting better for myself and other people. And I know it's possible. 

So link arms with me. Let's do this thing. During the month of July, I am looking to bring on new members, enroll new individuals into my program, Radically Change Your Life. And if you are interested in overcoming codependency, healing yourself within, living a life that you enjoy, then touch base with me and get more information on my program because it really can radically change your life.

It's packed with mentoring moments, downloadable workbooks, actionable steps that I suggest that you can walk out to create change in your life, and lots of journal prompts. One of the best parts of the program is that you are able to meet up once a month for group sessions. And I will lead the groups, but it will be a time for you to ask questions, get answers.

There will be times when someone will be able to share about one of their core memories that is disturbing them and causing distress. And we'll walk through a process to re-parent and give attention to the child self. A lot of my process is giving attention to the child self in each of us.

There is an echo of our past and it affects us in the present day. But with attention, with nurturance, with compassion and love, that younger self, the child within can heal. And that translates into us present day feeling better within our minds and within our bodies.

So go to the show notes to link up, get more information on my program, or reach out directly to me, corinne@changeradically.com, and I can answer all your questions and get you enrolled. 

[Intro] We've come to the end. What did you think about what you heard? I hope that there's something you pull from today's episode and start implementing it into your life.

Create the change that you want to see, the change that you hear about. You have the opportunity to transform your life. And I'm ready to link arms with you and to help and guide you to the life that you want to live.

If you resonated with what you heard today and it touched you, would you share it with your friends? Would you also go ahead and rate my podcast and write a written review? It would mean so much to me. I hope that we'll connect, whether it's for a session or just to connect because I enjoy meeting new people. You can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically⁠, or on Facebook, Change Radically.

You can also always email me, corinne@changeradically.com. If you have thoughts, questions, or anything that you just want to talk about, send me an email. I hope that you have a wonderful week, but no matter what your week is like, in the moments that are quiet, maybe it's when you pillow your head at night or when you're driving in the car or taking a walk, or maybe it's going to be in the midst of the chaos with your children or the craziness of work. I hope that you'll remember how significant you are, that there is meaning and value to your life, and that I, for one, am so glad that you're alive.

Catch you again next week.