Tools for Effective Communication

[Intro] Hello and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive guide and I absolutely love helping people to heal from within so that they can create a life that they love, a life that they enjoy.

We weren't meant to just tolerate and get through life. We were meant to thrive and enjoy the life we're living. Of course, we will have seasons and moments that are difficult and challenging.

And the beauty of it is that we can be supported in those moments. I am here to be an aid and a guide to support you. And I hope that you will enjoy not only today's episode, but some of the past episodes if you haven't heard them yet.

On this podcast, I talk about all things inner wellness. We also sprinkle in some spirituality and parenting because as a mom to three kids, parenting is a big part of my life. I hope that you enjoy the episode and that there's at least one thing you'll pull from it and start to implement into your own life.

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Hi friends. It's great to be with you again. And today we're going to talk about communication and how you can effectively communicate in a way that actually produces change.

And I want to help you learn how to have conversations that you walk away from and you actually feel a little bit at least of satisfaction and a feeling of inner peace because the one, one of the most challenging things I feel, at least what I've dealt with, is that leaving a conversation and having knots in your stomachs and having the intrusive thoughts that just run through your mind over and over again, or when you replay the conversation over and over again and you think about how you said things and what you could have said differently and how the other person said things and what did they really mean by what they said and surmising, these are some of the most challenging parts of living. 

And if that's anything that you've struggled with, you're not alone. I've been there. And there is a way to a happier, brighter place. I'm, I'm a hundred percent sure because I've walked it out. And no, it doesn't mean every conversation that I have is easy.

It doesn't mean that every conversation ends well, but I have more tools in my tool belt and I know what I need to do while I'm in the middle of conversations and even afterwards. So let's get to it. I want to begin by sharing some keys that I feel are very effective when you're communicating.

For yourself or the person that you're communicating with, in either, in either case, feeling heard is so helpful. When you feel heard or when the other person that you're speaking with feels heard, it makes a big difference. So feeling heard also translates into being validated.

Somebody says, today's been a really hard day for me. You pause. You don't.

Go off of that urge to try to help fix it and say, oh, what can I do to make it better? I mean, that's appropriate sometimes, but bear with me. Pause. Today's been a really hard day for you.

Oh, I know how challenging that be or I'm sorry. You choose the words that work for you. Some people don't like that apologetic phrase.

I'm past that. I think you can say I'm sorry and know it's not your fault. Basically, it's like another way of saying I'm sad.

I'm sad for you. And to know somebody is hearing us. And you can go on to say, can you tell me more about your day? Do you want to talk about it more? And maybe they don't want to.

Maybe they do want to. As they continue, using that same example, if they continue to talk about their day, avoid trying to solve a problem for them, make them feel better, and fix the situation, unless they are actually asking for that. If they want help solving a problem, they're asking for that.

It's different. If they want you to do something with them or to remind them of something that helps them feel better, that's fine. Of course, in moderation, because if any relationship is always that way, it can be a very codependent relationship if the other person needs you for them to be better or needs you to solve their problems.

If that's always the case, that's an indicator that the relationship is in a toxic spot. And toxicity doesn't need to scare you. It just means there's an indicator, something needs to be looked at, delved into, worked through, maybe healed.

All right, so you want someone to be heard and validated. You affirm their feelings. You affirm their situation.

You don't have to agree with it to validate. You also will have more effective communication if you and the other party feel safe. So you can create feelings of safety for the other party because you can let them know, through your body language, through your tone, through your words, you can let them know that they're loved and cared for.

When you listen to somebody and you don't try to correct them and criticize them and fix them, make it all right, that takes a lot of love in most cases. If you've really been listening to them and your heart is for them and you're not just disconnecting from what they're saying and acting in a way that's not loving, then that goes a long way. I also think both parties should have a chance to express themselves.

Cross the board, this doesn't always happen, but giving your side of something and letting the other person share. And being cautious to not interrupt, especially when somebody's speaking and you start to feel on the defensive, as if they're misunderstanding you or they're judging you or they didn't hear what you said or you don't feel loved. It can be easy to just jump in and say something in response in the middle of whatever they're speaking about.

But in that moment, if you pause and remind yourself that I am safe, if you are in fact safe and nobody is harming you, it may feel as though they are because that could be that you are emotionally flashing back to a time in your past when in conversations your voice was invalidated, you were unheard, or perhaps your emotions were made to be turned off, like you were told stop crying or you're not allowed to get angry or go to your room if you want to express yourself that way. You may have felt very unsafe in your past when you were a child in conversations, but that doesn't always mean we're unsafe in the present day, even if we feel unsafe. So it's really important when you want to defend yourself that you become aware, touch inward, and just recognize, oh, I'm feeling unloved, misunderstood, judged, and I want to have a comeback, but you know what? I am safe right now.

I don't need to protect myself with a comeback. Because the most beautiful thing is you actually can choose to protect yourself simply by knowing that you stand up for your own self. You can be misunderstood and still be protected.

People are allowed to misunderstand us. It's a normal part of living. People are allowed to judge us.

It's a normal part of life. But you don't have to accept their judgment. You don't have to internalize it and take it personally and allow it to reshape your identity.

They can misunderstand you and you can still continue to carry on and do things the way that you want to do them. You don't have to explain yourself to them. You don't have to justify your actions.

You can just do what you're doing and they can misunderstand or judge it. It's not invalidating the pain that it causes you. That's not what I'm looking to do.

I'm just saying we can actually choose to say, you know what? I'm protecting myself in this moment. I'm safe. And I can still hear what they have to say.

You can hear criticism without internalizing the criticism. It takes time. You actively need to be healing yourself below the surface and you need to utilize the tools that I can offer you.

But it is possible. So beyond giving each party a chance to express themselves. Acknowledging that you care about the other person's thoughts and you want them to have a chance to speak.

That can go a long way. Like if you start the conversation off by saying, I have something that I wanted to bring up to you. But I do want to hear what you have to say in response.

And once I'm done sharing my part, I'm going to give space to hear what you have to say. That can sometimes help. It doesn't mean somebody won't try to interject and interrupt you.

And if they do, you can simply say, again, if you're not dominating the conversation normally. I'm not encouraging narcissism. But if you're not dominating the conversation, you just need to express something.

You can say, I'm not done talking yet. But as soon as I am, I definitely want to hear what you have to say. Again, I know that, oh, I sound so calm and collected.

And when we're emotionally activated and we're in the middle of a heated conversation or a conversation that we're passionate about or that triggers us. It can be hard to feel settled and grounded and emotionally regulated. But that too comes with healing and comes in time.

My husband and I have conversations or other family members and I or friends and I have conversations that at one time would have triggered me so intensely that I would have become dysregulated. And my emotional state would have looked explosive. I would have been agitated and really unsettled and unhappy.

And now I know that we can disagree and still agree to be friends, to see each other's differences, to respect each other's differences. So it's put a whole different twist on conversations that used to be uncomfortable. And having compassion towards yourself in the process.

Knowing, you know what, at the end of a conversation, if you didn't do it the way you hoped, the way you intended, you still can have compassion on yourself and say, hey, I'm learning. I'm in process. I'm trying to change my patterns.

You know, they're really ingrained. You've conditioned yourself and been conditioned to live in a certain way. You're going to have to reshape and relearn.

And that's okay. It's possible. And there's always space for apologizing.

If you have a conversation and you think, oh, God, I said things I shouldn't have said or I went about this in a way that was so toxic, just do whatever, you know, express that to the other person if you feel like it's that necessary. And acknowledge, like, you're learning to do conversations differently than you used to, but you're unlearning a lot of patterns. And it does take time.

All right? So key is having compassion towards yourself, especially if you're someone who easily beats up on yourself and becomes a bully and a critic. Let's take charge over our thoughts and start substituting kind ones for the critical ones that may have been there already. When you're in the middle of conversation and if you start to feel the need to defend yourself, take note of that.

But allow the other person to keep talking. And don't get focused on your response when they're speaking because you really will not be able to hear the other person in the same capacity. You will not be able to hear their heart.

You may remember their words, but you're going to be focused so much on your response that it's going to take you away from hearing what the other person is saying. So actively engage by listening and hearing their heart because the heart speaks more than just words. And you can practice these skills and you're going to learn how to communicate more effectively as you get more comfortable with it.

So I don't want you to feel overwhelmed by all that I'm saying. Take one or two things and start to put it into practice. Come back to it and implement other things.

Don't try to tackle everything I'm saying in the next conversation you have. It's going to be too much. Take a couple things, maybe one thing, and start practicing it.

And the more you practice that, the more easily it will come to you when you're heated and in the middle of a conversation and feeling emotionally charged. I want to make note that if you're going into a conversation and you're looking for resolution, it is not always going to happen. And it may be important to remind yourself of that beforehand.

Hey, this conversation may not resolve things, but I'm at least going to have the conversation and I'm going to build connection through it. Because you are building depth and connection when you have heart-to-heart conversations and you have them in a way where you allow the other person to speak. You hear what they have to say.

You validate and acknowledge what they're saying, even if you disagree with it. And all of that is very, very necessary and good for relationships. So, again, be patient and kind with yourself.

If you're learning new ways to communicate and you're unlearning formed patterns, it's going to take time. You're not responsible for how the other person goes about communicating. Your responsibility is simply for yourself.

I'm going to say that one more time. You are not responsible for how the other person goes about communicating. You're responsible for you alone.

And the other people that we talk to do soften when they don't feel accused, when they don't feel blamed or bullied in conversations. So even if you're the only one communicating differently, that will affect change. It will make a difference.

For one, it's going to help you change the way you communicate. And like I said, it does soften other people when they don't have to be on the defensive. Now, if they're on the defensive because of their own beliefs, not because you're necessarily saying or doing anything that would put them on the defensive, let it be.

I mean, that's their stuff. But I see time and again that when we are able to say things in a way that's not accusational, it's not bullying, it's not critical and judgy, it helps the other person so very much to feel like they can let their guard down. And in most cases, I say give the other person the benefit of your doubt.

Be in their corner as you listen. You can disagree and still be in somebody's corner. You can disagree and still be with them as they're sharing from their heart.

Agreement is not what makes us friends. Agreement is not what brings resolution. You can disagree and still have resolution.

And you can disagree and still be in a deep, close friendship with someone. So, I am going to encourage you to allow compassion to sit right next to your strength. You don't need to be a doormat.

You don't need to let somebody verbally mistreat you. But you can hold compassion and you can have boundaries in place at the same time. Being respected and having your boundaries in place and having them respected is super important.

But it doesn't mean that you have to lack care. And that doesn't mean that you have to become disrespectful of the other person in order to keep your boundaries and to demand respect. When you know you are deserving of respect, you do not have to internalize their disrespect of you if that happens.

I'm not minimizing their disrespect. I'm not saying it's okay if somebody's disrespecting you. You can walk away from a conversation.

But you can still walk away without using the trauma response of flight. You can say, hey, the way you've been speaking to me makes me feel really disrespected. Like, I feel really disrespected.

Because really, people don't actually make us feel anything. We feel something based on our own experiences from the past, our underlying beliefs, like the mindsets that we have. So, somebody might say something and we might feel a certain way.

But they didn't really truly make us feel that way. We felt that way because of the underlying things in our own life. So, you can say, hey, the way you're speaking, I'm feeling this way.

And I'm uncomfortable or I don't want to continue this conversation. And I'm going to leave the conversation now. You can walk away from a conversation in a way that is still changing the patterns.

If you used to abruptly leave a conversation because you just couldn't stand how you felt inside. You were so dysregulated. You can walk away from a conversation with a whole different mindset.

And in that, you're still changing patterns. It's super productive. So, as we close, my suggestion is to take away one or two things that I've mentioned that especially resonated with you.

And start to put them into practice in the conversations you have. And see how it goes. And then, as you feel like they become new patterns that are easy to do without too much thought.

Then you can bring in another item that I've mentioned that feels like it's the right timing for you. And again, start to put that into practice. By practicing, we learn new patterns.

We create new neuro-pathways. We remind our body that how it once was is not how it will always be. And we heal ourselves from the inside out.

So, I'm wishing you the best. And excited to hear how this goes for you. You've got this.

You are going to be able to see yourself changing in front of your eyes. If you want to and you start implementing anything that I've spoken about that just especially hit home for you. You're going to get to the spot you want to get.

Your conversations are going to be easier. They're going to be less emotionally charged. And you're going to start to feel a lot more comfortable at the idea of having a difficult conversation. So, wishing you the best. 

[Ending] We've come to the end. What did you think about what you heard? I hope that there's something you pull from today's episode and start implementing it into your life.

Create the change that you want to see. The change that you hear about. You have the opportunity to transform your life and I'm ready to link arms with you and to help and guide you to the life that you want to live. If you resonated with what you heard today and it touched you, would you share it with your friends? Would you also go ahead and rate my podcast and write a written review? It would mean so much to me. 

I hope that we'll connect. Whether it's for a session or just to connect because I enjoy meeting new people. You can find me on Instagram, ⁠@corinne_changeradically⁠.. Or on Facebook, Change Radically. You can also always email me, corinne@changeradically.com. If you have thoughts, questions, or anything that you just want to talk about, send me an email. 

I hope that you have a wonderful week. But no matter what your week is like, in the moments that are quiet. Maybe it's when you pillow your head at night. Or when you're driving in the car or taking a walk. Or maybe it's going to be in the midst of the chaos with your children or the craziness of work. I hope that you'll remember. How significant you are. That there is meaning and value to your life. And that I, for one, am so glad that you're alive. 

Catch you again next week.