How to Create Depth and Connection in Relationships: Part II

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm so glad you joined me today. I'm your host, Corinne Powell.

I help people pleasers find happiness, embrace courage, and experience peace of mind through inner child healing. If you're desperate for change and not sure how to make it happen, I'm here to guide you along the way. 

In this space, you'll find motivation to live a life full of joy and resilience. We will talk all things inner wellness with spirituality interwoven at times. Being a mom to three, parenting will be a topic of conversation for sure. So happy to have you. Enjoy today's episode. 

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Hi, everybody. I know last week we were talking about people pleasers, personality types that fight, that flee, and how to create depth and connection with people, especially when they're reacting in those ways.

And today I want to continue that conversation and add to it. I didn't talk too much about what to do when somebody's tendency is to please people. So I wanted to touch on that today.

And I want to also talk about those that kind of freeze up, and I'll use the term dissociate, but they're disconnecting from what's actually happening around them. And they're suppressing what's happening, kind of like numbing out. So for the personalities that like me will tend to please people to keep the peace, what I would suggest is helping that person to actually figure out what do they want? What is their opinion? 

So say, you know, there's a conversation and everybody's kind of sharing what they think, but that one person isn't. It could be, and of course, this is not across the board, but it could be that that person is afraid to share what they think, because really, they don't want to create conflict and tension within the group. 

So they'll just not share what they think in order to not ruffle feathers, to not create waves. But really, what we want to do is to encourage them to express themselves.

What do you think? Their opinion is very valuable. It's just as valuable as the other opinions in the group. And what they have to say is important, and it matters.

But you never know what their history speaks to them. It could be when they were a little kid, that their voice was shut down, that their opinion was not asked for. If I'm not careful, one of my kids will, if I say, I want you to do this chore, that child will do the chore in a kind of frustrated, angry way.

And it might be suppressed, where I'm not even aware of it, if I'm not being aware, if I'm not looking for it. But what I try to do is make sure that child knows they can express if they don't want to do the chore. They can tell me that.

Maybe they just need 20 minutes to finish what they're in the middle of. And I can wait 20 minutes for a lot of chores. So there's a way to compromise sometimes.

And it's really important to make sure kids know that they are valued and their voice matters. Because honestly, children just grow up to be adults. The child that thinks the voice doesn't matter will likely still think that as an adult, unless they go on their own inner healing journey to change those beliefs within themselves.

So how we're relating with our kids is totally going to determine who they become as adults. And it's not to put pressure on you. It's just me acknowledging the simple fact that kids are just as valuable as adults.

Their voice matters just as much as ours does. And so I think it'd be a great and beautiful thing to start changing the way that adults relate to kids so that kids know you're important. I see that you have dignity and worth.

So with that child who tends to people please, I'm going to encourage them to tell me what they're really thinking. And I'm going to listen and validate. Like I talked about last week, every time in every situation, it's important to listen to affirm how they're feeling, to validate their feelings and to acknowledge what they think matters.

Even if it's different than what you think, you can hold a different opinion with somebody and still relate well to them. Now there are times when you hold such a different opinion, you just can't relate well to that person. And it doesn't mean you need to have friends to be friends with everyone.

But I'm talking about parent to young child and relationships you want to work on. In that case, then work on holding different opinions and different views and still knowing how to relate to each other. It's not impossible. Actually it's very doable. A

nd then there's this other part, this other personality type who will kind of freeze up and numb out or disconnect from their reality. And really all these types of coping mechanisms are represented in my household.

And my household is not this special place. This is how a lot of us are relating to each other. There's different ways we're all coping.

It's kind of like opening our eyes, becoming aware and then seeing, oh yeah. And it's not like to label everybody. It's to create depth and connection.

That's the point of all this. That's the point of being aware and educating ourselves and opening our eyes to what's going on. It's so we can create depth and connection with the people that we love and that we should have depth and connection with.

So what to do when your tendency or you see someone whose tendency is to freeze up and to numb out. Always, always, always. You want to create an environment where that person can express themselves and you're going to listen to what they have to say, even if you disagree.

Also, if you see somebody and it looks like they're just kind of glazed over, it might be that they can't handle the conversation, what's happening. And so they're turning to that coping mechanism. So you could pause your conversation and try to bring them back into it.

Hey, how you doing? What are you thinking or feeling right now? How is what I'm saying affecting you? Like really being aware so that you help them if they don't know how to help themselves. Or if what I'm saying is resonating with you, then even letting your partner or the significant people in your life know that if you start to have that kind of glossy eye look and you're just not engaging the same, that they could pause and that would help you and they could try to pull you back into the conversation and that that would help you. 

Speak up and tell people what's going to help you as you become aware of it so that you can help them know how to create a depth and a connection with you. Sometimes it's just telling people what we need. That is such a big deal. It's huge and it's simple, but you know, it takes courage and guts.

It takes a willingness to believe that the other person wants to know how to help you. But that's up to you. You can choose to believe they want to know and they can prove to you if they don't want to know how to help.

If they don't take your suggestions, they never implement what you're asking them to do. That's proof. I would say that's that's proof that they aren't trying.

But the people who want to connect more deeply with you, they're going to hear what you have to say. You might need to remind them and they're going to try to implement it. So help bring that person back into the conversation.

Ask them what they're thinking, how they're feeling, like what's going on inside of them as you were just speaking. They could be triggered back to another instance and your conversation could be reminding them of another time that they experienced the same sort of energy in the room. And that could be making them dissociate and numb out.

So you're going to always across the board, if somebody tends to people, please, if they tend to freeze up, if they tend to fight, if they tend to flee, you want to always work to create an environment that the other party feels understood, heard, seen, valued and safe. And this is something we can all do if we're willing to do it. And if we're creating the momentum, we're putting into action what we're learning in these simple things that you and I are talking about.

So I hope that this was helpful. As always, if you have questions, if you have comments, I'd love to continue the conversation with you. 

[Ending] I want to close out today's episode by thanking you for being here with me.

We've made it to the end and I hope what I shared has been helpful. If there is anything I've mentioned that you want to talk about in more depth, I would be so glad to connect with you. You can always find me on Instagram @corinne_changeradically⁠ or go directly to my website changeradically.com.

Of course, within the show notes, there's other ways that you can connect with me. And if there is someone that you think would benefit from this podcast, please share it with them. To help my podcast get more growth and reach more people, please subscribe, review and rate it.

And until next week, I'm wishing you the very best.