How can I trigger less?

[Intro] Hello, welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm so glad you joined me today. I'm your host, Corinne Powell.

I'm an intuitive mentor and I help people pleasers to find happiness, embrace courage, and experience peace of mind. But say you're not a people pleaser and you're desperate for change and not sure how to make it happen, then I'm here to help. In this space, you're gonna find motivation to live a life full of joy and resilience. We'll talk all things inner wellness. 

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Corinne Powell: So I had a question come in and basically the question was, how can I trigger less? And so I have Evan here again with me and we're gonna talk about how we trigger each other and how that affects our relationship and just what we've done to help ourselves out because I think that being triggered is a normal part of living. So I guess I should start off by saying what I mean by triggered.

And it feels like when I have an exaggerated feeling or set of emotions over something that's rather minuscule, it might be that Evan came into a room and looked at me a certain way and it set off like this warning within my mind, within my body and it reminded me of a past time when I saw that same look and he had done something that emotionally caused me pain. 

And I am flashing back to that time unconsciously, unaware of it and feeling the same way I did when it originally happened, except that however I'm feeling may not have originated with my experiences with Evan. I might be feeling the same way that I felt even as a child and when I can identify how I'm feeling and where those feelings originated, it's there that I can look into the root belief that I have, the way of thinking that causes me then to feel the way I feel. So to try to uncomplicate what I'm saying, if Evan's look makes me think or feel that I am not safe, that maybe he's done something that could change the course of my day, when in reality his actions don't have to emotionally affect me in that way. 

But if I think about being a child, say my parent was out of control and could not regulate their own emotions. So then I was in the same room trying to make myself feel safe as a little girl, but I couldn't feel safe. And I didn't know how to feel safe. And my parent wasn't able to help me regulate my emotions. So then that just translates into being an adult in a relationship where I think that someone else's actions are supposed to affect me so much that it could change the way my day goes, as if I'm not in control of how I feel or of my own self.

And so that is what I think of when I say being triggered. And so easily things that Evan does trigger me and things that I do trigger him. So I wanted to talk through this with you and hopefully through hearing how we have walked this out, it will be helpful to you as you yourself are in a place where you're trying to be able to just feel more stable because who wants to feel emotionally overwhelmed and out of control? 

I mean, none of us do wanna feel that way, but it is how we often live life, especially if you're still working through unresolved traumas.

So I wanna say before I bring Evan into the conversation, I wanna say that being triggered, again, it's a normal part of living. And I don't think the goal is to never be triggered. I actually look at the goal as being able to feel that I can regulate my emotions, that I am in control of the way I feel when someone else does something or says something.

And I'm gonna give you a quick example of how I feel like, how I could see my growth in this. So just the other day, my kids and I were going to Panera. They had gift cards that they were gonna use. They wanted to pick out something to eat, but their gift cards were only $5 each. You can't get too much at Panera with $5. So I let them know, hey, like before we got there, you guys can get a smoothie or you can get a pastry.

I even said you could get a sandwich. I knew it would be a little more than $5. I didn't mind paying for it. So we couldn't see the menu. We were in the drive-thru. We couldn't see the menu until we pulled up to the speaker.

Once we pulled up to the speaker, we were asked, what would you like to order? And I said, I don't know yet. We'll let you know in a minute. Now, three kids, and just seeing the menu, not that we've never been to Panera, but they really were gonna think about what they wanted.

So I told them what type of smoothies they had. I gave them a few other options of what they could get. Basically, I said, here's the types of smoothies.

If you want a sandwich, you could get a sandwich. And they were taking a little while to figure this out. Very typical for me and my kids when we're going to order.

But the employee asked us again, do you know what you wanna order? And I immediately felt myself have a strong response within me. I could feel that I was a bit annoyed. And this has happened to me before in the drive-thru.

When I felt like I'm not given enough time in the drive-thru, we just got to see the menu when we got up to the speaker. And so I responded this time. Instead of just pushing down how I felt, I actually said to her, no, we're not ready yet.

We couldn't see the menu until we pulled up to the speaker. I have my kids with me and they're trying to figure out what they want. I'll let you know when we're ready.

But here's what I wanna say. I actually was able to say that in a calm tone. Normally, when I'm triggered, my hands start to shake. My heart starts to beat more rapidly. Like I have a physical response to the flood of emotions. None of that happened.

I was able to observe myself in that moment. None of that happened. So that was a huge point where I could see my forward progress in this. And then I told my kids, hey, we need to order quickly because there's other people that need to order behind us. Mind you, there hadn't been anyone behind us before that question was asked because I was keeping an eye on that. And so we placed our order.

We went to the window. I did not feel at the window where I was gonna pay. I didn't feel like I needed to say anything further. And there was no agitation in me. I felt calm and collected. I also was proud of myself that I hadn't just suppressed the way I felt, left the drive-thru and then been fuming within myself.

You know that feeling when you're like done and you never said what you wanted to say, but you're still annoyed and frustrated? I actually expressed myself and moved on. So that's an example where I was triggered, but I didn't react in the same way. Now, also knowing that there will be a point in my life where someone can say to me, are you ready yet? Not that she said it in that tone.

She didn't say it in any sort of tone. But they could ask me if I'm ready and I'm gonna be able to just say, no, I'm not ready yet. Like I can see I'm gonna get to that point. I'm not there yet and I'm okay with that. 

So I'm just telling you that I hope it makes sense where you can get to a place where you're still affected by what somebody does or says, but your response isn't as big as it used to be. And have compassion on yourself when your response is big. There's a reason you have a big response. There is a reason. Whether it's your child self feeling a certain way, it is okay to have big responses.

So Evan, thanks for listening as I'm rambling here. But how is it for you in our relationship or in other relationships when you feel triggered? 

Evan Powell: Yeah, I think I would agree with you that the trigger is not so much the issue. It kind of screams out, there's a problem here, right? And good thing you're alive because you can have a reaction, you can have a response to it.

And it may be inflated, like you said. But again, it just speaks to the fact that there, yeah, there's a major issue. There's things there that haven't been healed. And I think as you touch those things, the traumatic response gets less and less, right? 

Corinne Powell: Touch those things as in? 

Evan Powell: As you begin to get healing, things start to get the attention and the care and the nurture that they need so that they can be resolved, basically, that they can come into alignment with who you are and where you are as well. So, yeah, I think of times, it could be something as simple as you walking out the door and the door closing, and all of a sudden I feel really alone as if the things that I have to do in the next little bit, big or small, just feel overwhelming. And it's like a feeling of escape.

I'm just giving an example of a time when I'm triggered. Yeah, I wanna escape. I'm not comfortable in my body. And like I said before, to me, it's not, you can always try to avoid the symptoms. And I think a lot of our, say, medication or the habits, our go-tos kind of deal with the symptoms of what we're experiencing. 

So the trigger would be the symptom, but the real issue is way beneath that, right? Like I'm having a traumatic response to times, experience I had where I felt alone and I didn't have comfort and nurture and I didn't ever have it resolved, right? And I've created a lot of habits and thought process around that so that when something as simple as being apart from somebody that I love for a little bit or somebody who's pretty significant in my life happens, I'm just like, oh man, like, I don't know if I can handle this.

And it's not, most of the time, it's not even conscious, it's very subconscious. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah, and when I hear you say that though, when I hear you say that, I am actually seeing this image of a little boy. So do you feel like it's your adult self or your inner child who's feeling that way when I leave and that feeling of, I don't wanna be alone? 

Evan Powell: Well, probably my inner child, yeah.

Corinne Powell: Okay, so then not to veer too much off course, but when it comes to a feeling we have that is actually our child self feeling that way, like when I talked about feeling like I couldn't regulate my emotions when my parent wasn't regulating their emotions and the room fell out of control. Or for Evan, I walk out the house, he feels alone and that makes him feel, would you say, nervous, scared? What do you feel when I walk out the house? 

Evan Powell: Yeah, maybe anxious would be the best way to describe it. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah, so with the recognition that it's actually our past self feeling that way, not saying we're not presently feeling it, but it's rooted in that child self having felt that way repeatedly during lifetime, then it makes the present day emotions feel even more intense.

They're intensified because it is a little kid feeling that way and we have felt that way in our body time and time and time again. So in that moment, what I do for myself, if I can, if I'm aware, I mean, I did it for myself today. I could tell I was in an emotional flashback.

I knew that the way I felt overwhelmed by doing little tasks was rooted in times when I was younger and again, did not have the co-regulation of someone helping me to be able to just know how to manage myself through my dates. And so I recognized that it was my inner child feeling scared and overwhelmed. And so I let her know, said, Corinne, you are safe.

Little Corinne, you are safe with me. I will always be here for you. I love who you are.

I love who you are. I like who you are. And instead of turning in to the coffee shop I was going to, I drove around the block and I just continued speaking to my inner child, nurturing that younger part of myself and affirming what she needed to know, what I needed to know.

And it's not that I am not her, but I'm trying to integrate myself fully back into my body. So there's the past version of myself that was so used to feeling out of control in my body that even though now I might say I'm comfortable within my body, there's times when I'm flashing back and I need to help my whole self integrate together. 

So I'm gonna let it go back to let you continue what you were saying, but I just wanted to interject that there are times when it's actually our inner child trying to get our attention to let us know that he or she feels alone, scared, incapable, overwhelmed, and we as the adult version of ourselves are able to reparent or self-parent ourselves.

And that makes a world of difference for how we can feel within our body. 

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Corinne Powell: So what have you found? How have you found, what have you done to help yourself as I'm leaving and as you're feeling that sort of way to be able to walk through those hours when I'm not here, not numbing out, but choosing the way you wanna go through that time? What have you found helpful? 

Evan Powell: I guess I'm still trying new things, but some of the things that have been effective is like making a radical change to what I normally would do. That's funny, radical change, I just said that.

Corinne Powell: I thought you said it purposely. 

Evan Powell: Nope. So if my normal response would be to sit down and think, then I would actually go for a run, or if my normal response would be to, you know, maybe veg out on my phone, then I would go and create something or play a game with the kids or just do something out of the norm to break the pattern that I get stuck in.

Conversations with people about what is happening in my body in that moment is also like really helpful. Like what I'm feeling to actually vocalize it and to like describe it and try to discover a little bit more about the unseen me that's experiencing a lot in that moment and often gets ignored or has to just walk through something the way he's always been taught to walk through it or learned to walk through it. 

Honestly, having somebody even pray for me in that moment has been really effective. A lot of self or conversations with myself, I guess, like the reassurance and nurture as much as I know how, just reminder of myself, reminding myself who I am and where I am and how I am, like truthfully, not so much of what it feels like, but the actual reality of where I'm at in that moment. Yeah, those have been really, really effective. 

Corinne Powell: You have another thought? 

Evan Powell: I think maybe in all of that, it's kind of touched on it, but actually knowing that I'm safe and I'm loved and cared for and the where is like where I am in that moment and safety is super significant because everything about how I feel says the opposite.

So trying to grab hold of that fact is like super significant. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah, and Evan brought up a good point. So if you're not in a place yet where you feel like you can connect to your inner child, your past self, where you don't feel like you love that version of yourself yet, then just making the affirmative statements, I am safe right now.

Like if you're in a situation where you feel out of control within your body, but actually if you look at the room around you, everything is okay, then you can say to yourself, I'm safe right now. And you can focus on an object in the room, describe it to yourself, feel it, feel the ground beneath you, help to reintegrate yourself with present reality. And once you get to the place where you actually love and accept the younger version of yourself, you can speak kindly to your inner child.

But you don't have to be there yet. Like Evan said, there's a way to help yourself out no matter where you're at in this process and reaching out to somebody else who you know cares about you. And you don't have to tell them everything that's going on, but just reaching out to them and saying, hey, I just need some support right now, or whatever it is that you know will be a way to bring someone else into the space and what you're feeling in that moment can be really helpful and beneficial.

And in the longterm, it's going to help you to know you're not alone in this process and this journey, because that's likely a big part of the struggle is that some piece of us, what I shared about me, what Evan shared about himself, and what many other people share with me, it is that we each have felt isolated and alone in our own sort of way. So we learned how to cope through that. We were just trying to make it through. We were just trying to survive. 

But now it's time to let ourselves know that we're not alone in this life, that the point is to be able to have community, have support, have other people loving us through life. So whether that's one good friend you have, whether that's reaching out to me, whatever it is for you, I'm encouraging you to do it and to help yourself out in wherever you find yourself by actively seeking out the loving support that is available to you.

So we're gonna wrap up today's conversation. I'm gonna continue speaking more on being triggered in the next episode, but for right now, I just wanna see if you have anything else you wanna say?

Evan Powell: I think hugs are pretty significant too. If you could find one anyway in that moment. And that just might be for me, but I'm just remembering that hugs have definitely helped. Even me just hugging someone, not even someone necessarily hugging me, like my son or my daughter. Hey, can I have a hug? And like, just anyway. Yeah, I think touch is good, human touch. 

Corinne Powell: Yes, and safe, healthy touch that's comfortable to you is really important. And even hugging yourself, there's times I wrap my arms around myself and it just is that warm embrace. It's that way of saying you're not alone. And it's what each of us needed a lot more of when we were kids.

I don't know your life story, but I know enough to know that all people, like we just all need even more affection than we probably received. And so, yeah, that's a great point. There's oftentimes in the day where I'll say to Evan, can I just have a hug? And it doesn't make everything change. It doesn't make everything better, but it helps. It helps a little. And that's what we're trying to say. Do what you can to help yourself out. 

And remember, getting triggered is not the problem. Like Evan said, there's a reason you're being triggered. There's a reason you feel big emotions in that moment. When to the next person, they might say, what was that about? Well, to you, there was a reason for it, a real reason. So you can start to uncover what the real reason is, or if that is too overwhelming or scary, then don't do it by yourself.

Reach out to a safe person, reach out to me, someone else that you know and trust, that it's not always gonna be as hard as it is right now. It doesn't always have to be as hard as it is right now. 

[Ending] Here we are, we've made it to the end. What'd you think about what you heard today? Is there something you heard that you know you need to take action on? I'm one of those people who loves to not just sit and hear something, but to sit in here and then go ahead and start implementing, taking action on what I hear, what was stirred up in me. 

And I encourage you to do the same. If you enjoyed today's episode, or perhaps you heard an episode in the past that really stuck with you, would you go ahead and share that with some of your friends and your family? It would mean so much to me.

And also, if you wanna connect with me, remember, you can always find me throughout the week on Instagram. I'm ⁠@corinne_changeradically. Or you can email me anytime, corinne@changeradically.com. I'd love to be in touch.

And if there's any way that I can help you, please seek me out. Until we speak again next week, I hope that you will remember in the moments that are loud and busy, and in the moments that are quiet and still, that who you are is super important. You are valuable.

And I am so glad that you're alive.