The Toxicity of Shame

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm so glad you joined me today. I'm your host, Corinne Powell.

I help people pleasers find happiness, embrace courage, and experience peace of mind through inner child healing. If you're desperate for change and not sure how to make it happen, I'm here to guide you along the way. In this space, you'll find motivation to live a life full of joy and resilience.

We will talk all things inner wellness with spirituality interwoven at times. Being a mom to three, parenting will be a topic of conversation for sure. So happy to have you.

Enjoy today's episode. 

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Let's talk about shame and toxic shame. What is it even? It's different than guilt.

It's not just that feeling, oh, I've done something that maybe goes against my belief system and I shouldn't be living this way. It's different. It actually is a feeling that makes you feel like you are dirty.

You are bad. You should be hiding. You should feel ashamed.

It makes us want to become invisible. And for many of us, we know what that feeling very well. And sometimes we're not even sure what we're feeling if it's shame.

There was someone I was recently talking to and they just had a moment, an awakening where they realized, you know what? Shame is really been the thing that's been holding me back and inhibiting me in my lifetime. Now, they knew of shame, they had thought about shame before, but they didn't think it was what was holding them back. And so I think today's conversation will help you to know if this is something that's affecting your life.

So how shame shows up sometimes is in the way that we think people see us. So you may walk in a room and feel like people perceive you a certain way. And if it makes you feel like you wish you could hide or just be in the corner where nobody saw you, or it makes you feel like ucky when you leave, you know, that feeling like in the pit of your stomach where you start to feel sick and nauseous, like, oh, why did I act that way? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? I wonder what they think of me.

That to me, right there is that feeling of shame. It's just yucky. And you know, it starts in really young children.

There can be times a child does something that their parent disagrees with or dislikes. And the parent says something or does something in response to the child's actions. And it makes the child feel like they should go away, be by themselves, be in their room.

That their parent, it makes the child feel as if their parent doesn't want them close. And sometimes it's true. Their parent maybe actually sent them up to their room.

Maybe for you, you have memories where you're like, you know what, I wasn't treated in the way that made me feel safe and loved, even as I did something that my parent disliked or disagreed with. Because really, truly, every person should get to know that even when they make a mistake, even when their behavior is disagreed with by other people, even authorities, if it's their parents or other authority figures, that child or that individual should still be able to know that they are loved and they are welcomed into the arms of whoever it is that they have just done that wrong thing towards. When you don't know that you're welcomed and you're safe and you're loved, it causes a disconnect inside of you.

It causes you to wonder what could make you feel connected and loved again? What do you need to do? How do you need to perform to be accepted? And that's where it starts to get toxic. If you believe, which is very easy to believe, if you experienced a rejection around your actions, your performance, it can be very easy to believe that if you just act the right way, if you just perform well enough, that you'll be accepted, you'll be embraced, you'll be wanted and loved. And unfortunately, so many people function that way that really, if you agree with them, yeah, they'll be your friend.

But if you don't, you better watch it because they're going to say some harsh things behind your back or maybe to your face. So I'm here to let you know that no matter what you've done, you are safe with me. You're welcome in my space.

And I don't mind whatever it is that you want to share. You are not going to have to feel shame around me. Now, if when you share something, you start to feel shame internally, it might be that you're so accustomed to feeling that way about yourself in regards to what you've done, that it's not me causing you to feel the shame.

It's just your normal mindset. And it's the way you've programmed your mind to and your body to respond. But I can assure you that in the space with me, as you share whatever it is that you need to share, as you work through your past traumas or the things that you're contemplating right now in your life that you're not sure, what should I do? Maybe you're in a marriage and you're like, I don't know if I need to stay or leave.

Maybe you're in another sort of relationship that doesn't feel like it's best for you or an environment that doesn't feel like it's best for you. But everything that you've learned, everything that you know from your lifetime says you should just stay. You should just stick it out.

And you're not sure what to do. Well, I want you to know you can come. You can share it all with me.

And I'm not going to cause you to have to feel any more shame. You're going to be empowered to know that you get to choose your path. Even if I disagree with your path, that's fine. It's your life. Other people can disagree with what you do. That's not their life.

It's your life to live. Each person only really, truly has to worry about themselves. Now, I'm a parent. And as I say that, I know I'm responsible for my kids. And to a degree, I am. And then to a degree, even children are responsible for themselves.

I do not want to make my child always listen to me. Yes, I think if they follow what I'm suggesting, that sometimes, because I see a bigger picture, it's going to work out better for them. But they should know that they can choose the other way.

And maybe it's not going to work out well. Maybe it will. But they still should get to choose that in many circumstances.

Of course, you could think of some where it's not going to seem appropriate. And I would probably sit there and agree with you. But I just wanted to start this conversation.

Shame is something, toxic shame, is something that we could talk about for a length of time. And in the group coaching that I'm running, we will be talking about that in different ways. Because it's something that affects all of humanity.

And it affects some of us more than others. If you grew up in a very religious community like I did, I would guess that you would be that toxic shame is something that you've had to try to work out of. And I would guess that it's something that has gravely affected your life and your mindset.

So, especially, if you feel like, you know what, the little bit we've touched on in these last few minutes is resonating with you, please reach out. I want to close out today's episode by thanking you for being here with me. 

[Ending] We've made it to the end, and I hope what I shared has been helpful.

If there is anything I've mentioned that you want to talk about in more depth, I would be so glad to connect with you. You can always find me on Instagram at @corinne_changeradically⁠. Or go directly to my website, changeradically.com. Of course, within the show notes, there's other ways that you can connect with me.

And if there is someone that you think would benefit from this podcast, please share it with them. To help my podcast get more growth and reach more people, please subscribe, review, and rate it. And until next week, I'm wishing you the very best.