How to let go of the expectations of others?

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell, and I'm the owner of Change Radically. 

In this space, we'll talk all things inner wellness, and parenting will certainly come up too, because I'm a mom to four kids, so parenting is a huge part of my life. This space is designed for safety. Your inner child is welcome. Your past self is invited to listen as well. 

And no matter what type of day you're having, I want you to know I'm glad to be with you. I live out of vulnerability and transparency, so come and be. Be yourself. Be messy. Invite a friend, and please stay a while. Keep coming back. I want you around. Now, let's jump into today's episode. 

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Corinne Powell: Hello there. So glad to be with you. We are going to talk about how we can navigate the expectations of others. And if you struggle with being preoccupied with the way that others perceive you, their opinion of you, looking to not disappoint them, to make sure you don't disrupt the peace or you don't inconvenience anyone, then you're gonna especially appreciate what we talk about because it's very targeted to the person who tends to do those things I was just describing.  The person who we might call a people pleaser, someone who lives codependently. 

That was me. That is who I am sometimes when I'm stuck in emotional flashback, when I'm triggered and unaware of it. And it's very interesting when we witness ourselves, we step back and we take this look at ourselves as an observer to see what we're doing. And I find it fascinating when we actually start to become empathetic and compassionate and recognize that the reason we do so much of what we do is to protect ourselves, to feel safe. 

We are all looking to just manage and cope in the most comfortable way possible. And I'm always interested to know of other people's stories. So I would love to hear your story. If we were sitting in a living room together or at a coffee shop, I would be so interested to hear. And if you want to share more of your story with me, please. Find a way. I'm very interested to hear it. 

But as far as my story. These patterns, these ways of trying to please people began when I was super young. Just a little girl just looking to feel comfortable in the family I grew up in. A little girl not wanting people to be upset with me, feeling crushed by a look that was disapproving. If I was to get a slap on the hand, it really touched me deeply, impacted me. I didn't need much correction to straighten out. I didn't need much correction to know never to do it again. I didn't want to disappoint. I didn't want to cause somebody discomfort. It crushed my heart to see someone disappointed because of my actions. 

Now I know that they're responsible for theirs and I'm responsible for mine. And what I do doesn't need to determine how they feel. But as a child, that's not how I perceived it. I thought what I did caused them to feel the way they felt. So in that case, I felt responsible for their emotions. I felt responsible for how they were doing.

For those times, I tell little Corinne, sweetie, it's not your fault. I'm so sorry that the grownups didn't tell you, that you were just fine the way you were. I'm sorry they wanted you to be something different. That they didn't allow room for making mistakes, making messes, and all being okay. That's why I love to talk about the inner child and meet each person's inner child because there is so much pain, there was so much hurt, so much heartache from experiences we had that we don't even remember. They happened to us so young, we don't even recall them. But our body knows, our body remembers.

And then in that moment when we speak to the inner child, we meet them in a way that they need, in a way they've been longing for. And then we speak to their heart in a way they've needed to hear. And it makes all the difference. Is it layered? Are there many instances where they need our love and our care and our attention? Certainly. But each time we meet them, it impacts them in a good way. Each time we speak to that inner child, it's beneficial.

So let me go back to what I said we were gonna start talking about. And that is how to let go of needing to please everyone around you. How can you simply allow yourself to be and not be so consumed by the expectations of others?

Is going to come from initially recognizing that this is even a need of yours, that you have been so focused on other people, that you haven't been true to your authentic self. And as you become more aware, you're then able to look deeper into what are the subconscious beliefs behind these actions? Do you feel responsible for how other people are doing? Are you afraid of being misunderstood? Are you trying to protect yourself from the pain of rejection? Or the perception of rejection?

Sometimes it's the perception of something we're trying to keep ourselves safe from. It's not even the reality of it. So for each one of us, it might be varied. And then there's a lot of ways similarities occur. But recognizing your patterns, like I use the word witnessing ourselves. So moving to a place where we're able to observe ourselves and see how we're responding to notice the sensations in our body, to recognize the underlying beliefs, the subconscious beliefs, the thoughts that are attached, the stories we've attached. 

When someone looks at me this way, it means. When this happens, it means. But does it? Sometimes, many times people interact with us in the way they do based off of what's going on for them. Say you're at Target, you're at any store, pick a store that you go to, you shop at, you're in the checkout line, something happens and you feel like you are being targeted.

Why don't we for a moment suppose that the person you felt targeted by was stressed out at the moment, was having an intense day, and they themselves were personally upset. It was nothing to do with you, but they took out their pain and projected it onto you. And then as you felt that, you assumed it was about you, when in fact it was all about them.

So often projections are made and we feel triggered because of our past experiences. And then we project that onto the present day experience. So it's never an excuse for someone's behavior. It gives a fuller understanding though of what's going on deeper. If you recognize you're triggered because of a painful experience you had in the past it's actually less likely that it's about the person in front of you. 

That's not a course across the board. Sometimes it's obviously about the person in front of you. Many times though, it's also not. And as we start to witness and observe ourselves, we get an understanding of what is going on. And as we get to understand ourselves more, we can become empowered to create change.

It's when something goes from the unconscious to the conscious level that we then can work with it. We can do something about it. That's why this idea of observing, this awareness, this consciousness is so key. And then as we start to notice the sensations we feel in our body, as we start to even...witness the thoughts we have we can do something with what's going on. And then in that place, we're faced with decision. We're faced with a decision, will we continue in the pattern, in the way of thinking, that's so familiar to us, or will we not? 

Of course, it's a journey, it's a process, there's layers to it. But we have to start somewhere, and that's why I say we could start here. We could start here with the observation. We could start here with the choice. Will I do something about this? Will I look at that person in the store who did something that felt really rude? And will I say, you know what? Maybe there's more going on that I realize. I'm not gonna actually take that personally.

I'm going to let that. I'm going to regulate my own self so that I don't get personally involved in what's happening here. Here's one example. One of my kids yesterday was experiencing some emotions that felt overwhelming to them and they felt them in their body and they didn't know what to do with them. So they start throwing things. They feel angry, they're hurt, they feel misunderstood and they want to do something to protect themselves. They want to do something to diffuse that energy they're feeling, emotion, energy in motion. They want to feel settled within their body. 

So I was not able to help them get to that place, but I was able to keep myself regulated. As they were upset with me, as they were throwing things at me, as they were yelling, I was able to keep a level tone. I was able to not, to look at the situation and realize this was not at all about me. This was about what was going on inside of them. So I didn't react to them.

I was able to think clearly. I was able to respond. I was able to set limits, to acknowledge how they were feeling, and to also say, you have a choice right now. You have a choice to throw that item, and it will mean there will be a consequence or you can choose not to throw that item right now. It's okay to be angry, it is not okay to hurt me right now. Because we all have a choice of what we do when we're angry. It's not, the problem is not feeling the emotion, but how we respond can become an issue.

In the end, I might have felt a little depleted, like a little physically drained but I also didn't feel like I had gotten into this dysregulated place myself, that I had retaliated, and I didn't feel like I had made the situation more intense.

I didn't feel like a failure because my child seemed unaffected by me. I didn't feel like a failure because I wasn't able to help them get grounded in that moment. They eventually got grounded. Like they grounded themselves or they felt calmer. They felt more integrated back into their body. I would say it actually took a while, but…in that situation, it's just one example of how there are ways to go about things where it doesn't have to become so personal. It doesn't have to become a you versus us, us versus them.

And as we recognize that we are separate from other people, they're allowed to have their opinions, they're allowed to have their thought processes, we're allowed to have our own. They're allowed to hold their own emotions and we can have in a different emotional state and be in the same room. You might be sad and I can be happy. And it doesn't mean I'm not caring, it doesn't mean I'm disrespectful, it doesn't mean I'm being rude or insensitive.

There are ways to navigate if someone's having a difficult day and you feel on cloud nine, there are ways to navigate that gently. But the point isn't that I suppress every bit of how I'm feeling because of your needs. Or that I feel the pressure to rise to the occasion of how you're doing and perform in a certain way because of you.

This is the beginning of learning that you and I don't have to always agree. I don't have to meet the expectations that you might have. And you don't have to meet the expectations that I might have. Now, if we are in certain types of relationships, it's going to be important to talk about expectations. It's going to be important to talk about how we impact each other. I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't hold space for the idea that my actions impact others and your actions as well. What I'm really touching on is this idea you and I don't have to live our life based off of the expectations that our parental figures have of us or had of us, the expectation of people you respect. You don't have to live your life based off their expectations of you.

You get to understand who you are authentically and how to craft a life, how to create a life, how to craft a life that is in alignment with your values, that actually works well for your family unit. It might not work well for anyone else. That's okay.

It's actually time to consider yourself. If you're the person I initially described who considers everyone else before they consider themselves, it is now time for you to put yourself in the forefront, to actually analyze, to acknowledge, here's my desires, here are my needs, and to determine how you can start to live in a way that supports you, that serves you, that empowers you. 

There will be voices that say that is wrong, that you've been doing it right by listening to the opinions of others and living your life based off of their opinions. There will always be schools of thought that say you should be selfless and you should give up your needs, give up your desires for the sake of the greater good, for the sake of something outside of yourself.

And I am here suggesting that it's time you consider what is actually meant for you. To connect with your inner self, to listen to your inner wisdom, and to start going on a journey that might feel risky, it might feel scary and daunting, but it will lead you to the most beautiful sunrise that you have ever beheld.

So there's always, I say this often, because there's always more that we could talk about, right? This is like, this could lead us down another path. I'm gonna wrap it up here for today. I hope that this has got you thinking. I hope this has got you in a place where you say “I think I want to explore this more”, because if you are that person I described, there is so much more for you. There is more goodness that you're supposed to experience. There is more inner peace, more inner joy. And life is supposed to be even better than you already know it to be. If you're interested in creating a reality that is full of more joy, that is full of peace, that is what I've described.

I hope that you will reach out, set up a discovery call with me. Let's chat about how I can support you in creating that life. And I hope that you have a wonderful week, and I'll see you again here next week, same place, same time.

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[Ending] Here we are. We've come to the end of another episode. Sit back and reflect on what you heard. What's the one thing that resonates with you that you can take away and do something with? Let's not just listen. Let's listen and take action. Now action may look very different for us. But it's not. But it's doing something with what we hear. 

I hope that you'll share today's episode with a friend that you think would also enjoy it. And please come back next week. I hope that you have a fabulous week and that you remember when you pillow your head at night, when you're going through your days, that who you are is good. And I'm glad that you're alive.