How do you break the cycle of emotional neglect?

[Intro] Hello and welcome to Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host Corinne Powell. I'm so glad you're here.

No matter what type of day you're having, you're always welcome. I like having you around. This space is especially designed for the person who goes about life focused on everyone else while neglecting their own needs.

The person who says yes when inwardly they want to say no. The person who is frustrated at all they do because they don't receive much in return. If that's you, I'm going to put out some great ideas on how you can change those patterns and get unstuck.

Life isn't meant to be tolerated. It should be enjoyed. So let's get to it.

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Corinne Powell: Hello, friend. I am happy to have you here with me. Did you get a chance to listen to last week's episode around emotional neglect and getting curious as to whether that was a part of your experience or perhaps if you're a parent, if you're operating in a way that could be continuing that type of pattern in your relationship with your children?

If you got a chance to listen to it, we're gonna continue within that topic. And I wanna talk about how you can heal if you have experienced emotional neglect. This will also apply if you recognize in your interactions with your child, you haven't been attuning to them, you haven't been able to co -regulate with them for their own sake because you don't know how to self-regulate.

So it's going to help if either scenario applies to you. And if you didn't have a chance to listen to last week's episode and you're curious about it, you can continue on with this one and then hop back to it, or you can pause this episode, take a listen, and then come on back over. I think either would be fine.

These topics intertwine with each other, but they also within themselves can make a lot of sense, bring a lot of clarity to a situation. So as far as how to heal from emotional neglect, if you've experienced that: it’s going to start with a practice of self-parenting. Now, self-parenting has a lot of components to it. There's not one right way to do it. Sometimes I bring up this idea of speaking to your inner child. That is one element of self-parenting. But there are other ways we can self-parent. By bringing fun into our life, going to the playground, perhaps with our children or without, and actually taking time, taking a moment to swing on the swing ourselves, or to do something that's fun, that's lighthearted for your adult self.

And I've brought up this topic in the past, and I want to remind us all again, being childlike does not mean we're being childish. We are actually able to be mature and be childlike at the same time. Living a life of wonder is a childlike quality, but it's not childish. It's actually vital for all of us to live in space of wonder, where we're awed by things and we're curious about things. We take time to connect with our senses and to notice. What does this smell like? Maybe what does this taste like in some instances? What does the texture feel like? What sounds do I notice? And the list goes on. There are many ways that we can grow and cultivate this idea of wonder. 

Self-parenting is our means to healing that child part of our self. It's also a means of meeting that child part of our self in the places they were emotionally neglected, noticing them, attuning to them. And in that, it's a powerful act and it heals us in the deep places that we need healing. None of us are unscathed by our childhood. For some of us, we had an easier childhood than others, yet we all come out of it wounded in some sort of way.

This isn't about shaming our parental figures. Many times our parental figures are doing the best they know how, and they just simply don't have the resources. They don't have the knowing. They don't have the tools. Of course there are cases where legitimately they knew better and they didn't do it. This is not me sitting here excusing someone who caused you pain. I bring up this idea that we don't need to blame it all on our parental figures because we aren't stuck forever. The impact that their actions had on us does matter. I'm not belittling that. However, we get to find our own healing. We get to choose empowerment for ourselves in spite of their actions, in spite of who they might still be.

And that is a wonderful gift. Grieving is a part of the process. I would never minimize the impact those actions have had on you. At the same time, I won't pity us because pity isn't going to help you. My compassion, my empathy will help empower you. My pity will only cause us to sit here and stew about how somebody did something so wrong towards us and our life is forever scarred because of them. And truly within the core of who I am, I don't believe that. Their actions deeply impacted you and I am so sorry for the impact that it's had on your life. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish you hadn't been stuck for all these years because of their actions.

And now I am equally excited for you that there is change possible, that healing is possible, that a new reality can be yours if you want it. It'll take intention. It'll take courage. It'll take doing the hard things, but you are capable of all of that. Whatever we want badly enough we can experience. 

And I am here in your corner. I am rooting for you, cheering you on and ready to offer you tools and resources and to help you feel equipped to connect with that younger part of yourself. To even learn how to love your own self. Sometimes we see this younger part of ourself in our mind's eye. We have a memory. We remember, you know, something that happened when we were young. And then we look at that child with disgust or disdain. We become the critic of them, the critic that other people, other people taught us how to be the critic. I want to help you experience a different reality. I want you to be able to look at that younger version of yourself and to feel compassion for them. 

To see that little child reacting as they were, throwing a fit, saying something that was considered disrespectful as a means of trying to fight for themselves. As a way of saying, I won't let you bully me. When little kids feel bullied, they react. They retaliate. Sometimes that's how they respond. Other times they shut down. They run off. They drown away their pain through a mindless act. But the point is, every little kid knows they're born with a fight in. We innately know it's not all right to be treated that way. And so when we're disrespected, sometimes we react in that same And the sad part is when the parental figures, when the adults in the room, the grownups, don't realize, they don't understand what's going on deeper for the child. 

They don't meet that child and say, I notice you're feeling really frustrated right now. Did I do something that's upsetting right now to you? How are you feeling? And they might not have the language to know how they're feeling. And that's where the adult needs to be emotionally mature, emotionally self-aware, emotionally intelligent to be able to help guide that child. This is what we can do for ourselves now through self-parenting. And as a byproduct, it will benefit the child we once were.

And if you have children of your own, it will also benefit them. Anything we learn, by default, we start modeling it. We don't even mean to. We just start a new practice, and then other people observe us in that. So your children, if you have them, will be seeing the new ways you're interacting with yourself and then with them. And it will matter it will rub off, they will start changing as you start changing. It's a powerful thing. Self-parenting is the kindest, most generous and impactful act.

And so some of the ways you can start is by pausing throughout your days to notice yourself, to notice the sensations you feel in your body, perhaps the emotions, maybe the thoughts. You drop something. What do you immediately think of? “Oh so stupid. Clumsy. Did it again”. There's a different narrative. Everybody drops things sometimes. I see you're feeling really frustrated right now with yourself because you made a simple mistake. And I know you remember how mom or dad used to react to that. I know you remember how so-and-so reacted to that, but they're not here right now. And we have a choice. We don't have to react the way they did. Meeting ourselves with compassion, meeting ourselves with care is vital.

And I feel this deeply because of how powerful of an act it is, because of how transformative it is both when a child is criticized and when a child is offered loving support. What you didn't have when you were young, you can receive now. And it starts with you. 

And I do understand that if this concept is new to you, what I am talking about may feel almost impossible to achieve. And that is why I'm here, because I want to offer you the support so that this becomes something that feels very doable that this is a practice that you can get comfortable in. And like I said, self-parenting is varied. It might mean pulling out a coloring book and coloring. It might mean getting yourself to bed at a decent time and getting yourself some extra sleep or saying, I need to take a nap right now because I'm exhausted. And even though there are things to be done, my body needs me to love and take care of it. That is a self-parenting act. Eating nourishing foods is an act of self-parenting. There are so many ways. We need to take care of this body that we were given, and we need to take care of ourselves.

So, where can you begin? If you're not ready to connect with me and do a deeper dive into all of this within your own memories, within your own experiences, you can start by just pausing throughout your days and noticing, how am I feeling? What sensations am I feeling in my body? What do I notice around me? What do I smell? What do I feel?  What am I hearing? Just take notice. Become a little bit more mindful. And notice what your body needs. Does it need you to sit down for a moment? Does it need you to stand up? Sometimes I move my desk from sitting to standing and I raise the levels because I recognize I've been sitting for a while and my back hurts and now I need to stand. 

Sometimes we just need to take a pause and notice. Are we thirsty? Are we hungry? What are we hungry for? Or are we needing to move our body? Do we need to connect with a friend and let them know how we're doing? Reach out for some support?  How can you start to take notice of yourself a little bit more and to start take care of yourself a little bit more? And through that, you're self-parenting. 

And over time you will feel the impact of that. Your inner child will feel the impact of that.

And by default, if you have children or even just the people that you come in contact with regularly, we'll start to notice the difference in you and it will rub off on them when one person takes better care of themselves impacts the other people.

We're not doing this to change anybody else. We're doing this to support ourselves or the ones that we care about. If you're a parent, it's important that you take care of yourselves so that your children see something modeled that they actually would do well to continue to model. 

Otherwise, they're learning something from you, but they may not be learning what's in their best interest. And of course, if you want my support in this area, please find a way to reach out to me. You can always send me an email. Corinne, c -o -r -i -n -n -e at changeradically .com. You can reach out to me through any of my social platforms, wherever you're listening to this episode. I would be honored to chat with you, to hear a little bit about where you're at and see if I would be able to offer you support. Discovery calls are always available and I'm looking forward to connecting with you again next.

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[Outro] We've come to the end of another episode. I'm so glad you stuck around. As you consider what you've heard, what's the one thing that especially resonated with you? What's one way you can start to implement change into your life? Too much too soon isn't sustainable.

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