Coming back to yourself: making parenthood sustainable
[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell, and I'm the owner of Change Radically.
In this space, we'll talk all things inner wellness, and parenting will certainly come up too, because I'm a mom to four kids, so parenting is a huge part of my life. This space is designed for safety. Your inner child is welcome. Your past self is invited to listen as well.
And no matter what type of day you're having, I want you to know I'm glad to be with you. I live out of vulnerability and transparency, so come and be. Be yourself. Be messy. Invite a friend, and please stay a while. Keep coming back. I want you around. Now, let's jump into today's episode.
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Corinne Powell: Hello friends. So good to be with you again. I am looking forward to today's topic because I've been hearing lately about parents, perhaps moms specifically, but I think any parent that plays the majority of the role of parenting their children, maybe the default parent, resonates with this idea that we've lost ourself in parenting. The memory of who we used to be as a single person is just that, it's a memory. And I want to actually bring up the point that it doesn't have to be a memory, it can still be a reality. Certainly we are parents. The single days are behind us, but not in the sense that we have to forget who we were, that version of ourselves can no longer exist. Actually, I think they can.
And I've noticed that I have these experiences lately, these spaces and moments in time where I feel like I did before I had kids. And it's not because I'm neglecting my responsibilities with my children. It's not because I'm going through the middle of a crisis and I have just completely let go of my responsibilities. You know, when we see people go through a midlife crisis and you think, my gosh, did they just decide to shirk all the responsibilities? Who are they? I don't know them anymore. Did they forget who they are? It's not for that reason, truly. It's really because I am implementing self-care as a lifestyle. I have let go of the mindset that I need to be all things for my children.
My husband and I share the responsibilities of parenting and we've done that for years, but to a degree I wasn't releasing myself. I was saying I shared the responsibilities of parenting, but I was actually taking on more than I was being asked to take on. I wasn't allowing myself the time, the space, the permission to do the things that were just for me. If I was running out to do something, right at the last minute, I'd offer to take one of my kids with me or multiple children. Nobody was making me do that. I was allowing that to happen. So I needed to take responsibility for that and start to change my actions. And by changing my actions, I have actually served myself a lot more.
Over the years, I've had to learn how to take better care of myself. And taking better care of myself has translated into enjoying my life a lot more. And if you and I were to sit across from each other over coffee would always be my pick. And for those of you that are like, hey, I don't got a thing for coffee, then we would meet up where you wanted to also, but basically, we would be talking and you would hear from my conversation that I am extremely devoted to my children, that I love being their mom, that I take my role seriously, that I don't only live consciously, I parent consciously. I recognize how my actions are affecting them. I recognize how generational trauma has to stop with me if I don't want to pass it on to my children. And I also realize that I will pass some of it on. That I am not going to be perfect. That my children will have their own traumas to work through. And you know what? I've just come to terms with that. Now I help them to the degrees I can. But I also know this isn't about getting it perfect. This is about doing the best I can.
And in that though, we have to give ourselves permission to take time off. We have to give ourselves permission to disappoint our children. There are times when I know I need to do something by myself and it is the hardest thing to pull out of the garage when my children are standing there crying or screaming or running towards the car trying to come with me when I've already tried to work through it with them. And they just never got to the point where they were okay with staying home. But I also needed to leave. And now keep in mind that whole scene that I described, they're safe, my husband's nearby. I'm not going to keep moving the vehicle if they're coming towards it. But I also paint that scene because it is a familiar scene. It does happen often enough that the struggle is real.
I don't like seeing my children disappointed. I actually could feel their disappointment and that's hard for me. At the same time I'm learning, I'm getting stronger in knowing that I have to do the hard things and sometimes the hard things are saying, no, you can't come with me. Even though I would like to have them with me and they would like to be with me because I need that space and time for myself. I need to be able to drive in silence or send an audio, video message to a friend or listen to music that I enjoy.
And you deserve the same, you need the same. To actually do this parenting thing well long term, we have to make it sustainable. And implementing times for ourself allows it to become more sustainable. So yes it is possible to touch back in with how it was before we had children, to experience those fun times, to experience those moments where our responsibilities are not weighing on our shoulders, they're not in the forefront of our mind, they're on the backseat. And we will reengage with them, but we don't have to stay engaged with them at all times. Some of you might do really well with this. Some of you might not need to grow in this area. You might not need to create any new practices.
But for those of you that identify with what I'm saying, that hear me speak and you're like, my gosh, I know what you mean, Corinne. It is the hardest thing to walk out the door. It is the hardest thing to pull out of the driveway when my children want to come with me, when they don't want me to leave. And that's only one scenario. Think about the times when you're out, your children are asking for something and you know, no, this isn't the time. I don't wanna say yes to this. I don't need to say yes, but you feel torn within yourself and you make a decision that goes against your own inner wisdom.
You deserve to listen to your inner wisdom. Your inner wisdom is worth being respected. I know we've heard that cliche, you know, like sometimes you have to be the tough guy. “Our kids aren't supposed to be our friends. And I can't sit here and say that I agree with all that. I think we can be friends with our kids”. I don't think being their friend means that we say yes to everything. I don't think being their friend means we don't have boundaries. I think beautiful friendships have boundaries to them. Beautiful friendships recognize that disappointment is a part of the relationship, that working through conflict is a part of the relationship, that it's a give and a take, it's a back and forth.
And maybe parenting shouldn't be contrasted to friendship, but the point is, I think we can be a friend to our child. And I think it's also important to remember that we have to create a relationship with ourself that is respectable, that is trustworthy, that is supportive and kind, and as a byproduct our relationship with our children can mirror that, where we expect them to respect us because we've actually learned to respect ourselves. We expect them to treat us well because we've learned to treat ourselves well. Because we expect new things of ourself it's going to transform our relationship with our children.
As I respect my own boundaries, makes it easier for me to ask other people to respect them. But you see, when I didn't even respect my own boundaries, it made it all the trickier to enforce that anybody else respected them. It always needs to start with us. We need to become our own ally. We need to become our own support. We need to trust and respect ourself. And then out of that, we can start asking that other people do the same for us.
So practically, what can we do from here? When you start to make promises to yourself, see them through. Example, the other day I was gonna run to Costco. I initially asked my children if they wanted to go with me. And I heard some of them saying, “no, no, no”, okay. Well, then I mentioned to my husband, “I am just wanting to take one of the kids if someone wants to go with me”. Well, one of my kids said they wanted to go. And then as I was about to leave, another one said they wanted to come. And I said, okay, go get your shoes and come. And my husband said, “I heard you say you only wanted to take one child”.
Now I forgot that I even said that. I was like, “Oh, you're right”. And I did ask this other child and before they had said they didn't want to come. So they changed their mind, which is fine. But now I had another one who had said yes and they were in the car with me. And I said, you're right. I said one child and I had already given that other child the option. They turned it down. And so now no, no second chance in this case. And that's a way that I keep a promise to myself. I said something and I stuck with it. I didn't change my mind.
And that's a very fundamental way of growing trust in yourself and establishing a practice of boundaries. And you start to do that more and more often. And you actually know you mean what you say. And you say what you mean. And other people know you mean what you say. And you say what you mean. And you start living in a way that people can depend on you and you can depend on yourself. So I'm going to allow my body some movement today and you realize it's the end of the day and it didn't happen, but you still get down on the floor and you do a little bit of yoga or you go on your treadmill and you walk around or you go out into your yard and you do some loops around the yard because you said you were gonna do it and you stick with it. It doesn't need to be extravagant. It doesn't need to be monotonous. It can be simple. It can be basic. The point is you follow through. That is a sure way of becoming more trustworthy and dependable within our own self.
When our kids know we mean what we say, we say what we mean, they actually feel more secure. They have a place to land. They may not always act like they like it, but down the road, it always means a lot to a child to know that their parent wasn't wishy-washy. That they knew what to expect from their parent.
This is hard work, but I'm giving you something practical you can do if you want to grow in this area. And remember, if you're a parent who is already pretty good at practicing self -care, then just consider what is it that you need to do to support yourself. Are you already feeling really good about how you're supporting yourself? Then keep it up. Are you feeling pretty good about it, but you realize they're...there are some ways you feel internally resentful or you feel depleted and you need to figure out how to replenish yourself. Or if you're someone that is not at all practicing self -care and not only have you forgotten who you used to be, but you've become a completely different version, a version that's very unhappy, then start small.
]Start with one way you can start to practice kindness and care for yourself. And start doing that regularly. And as you see yourself consistently, regularly doing it, then you can start to bring in a second area to practice. But start with one and allow it to be something that is attainable and then consistently put it into practice. That might mean 30 minutes of time for yourself each day. And if you say, Corinne, I cannot manage 30 minutes, then start even smaller. Start with 10. And then once you've gotten really good at doing that, then figure out what's the time once a week that you can give yourself two hours out.
And if you say, Corinne, that is not possible. Then give yourself 30 minutes out. Break it down and make it manageable for you, for the season you're in, for the dynamics of your family. If none of that feels attainable, then send me a DM. We can chat. Let's brainstorm and figure out for you and your situation how you can support yourself in a really minimalistic but impactful way. And remember, it is possible, it is possible to embody those parts of yourself that you thought were lost, that are so far in the past that you wonder, will I ever be like that version of myself again? Yes, you can be if you want to be. Yes, there are ways to be that and to be who you are today and to allow them to blend together in this beautiful way.
I hope this has been helpful. And hey, if you like this content, you want to hear more around this particular topic, send me a message. Let me know that. If you've enjoyed today's topic, but you want to hear new and other topics that I haven't talked about recently or I haven't talked about ever, again, reach out and let me know that. I want to create content that's of interest to you, that's helpful to you. I am here on Empowered to Thrive because you show up and listen. So please send me your feedback.
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Same place, same time next week. Between now and then, make a point of showing up for yourself. Become the most dependable person you know, not towards everyone else, but towards yourself.
[Ending] Here we are. We've come to the end of another episode. Sit back and reflect on what you heard. What's the one thing that resonates with you that you can take away and do something with? Let's not just listen. Let's listen and take action. Now action may look very different for us. But it's not. But it's doing something with what we hear.
I hope that you'll share today's episode with a friend that you think would also enjoy it. And please come back next week. I hope that you have a fabulous week and that you remember when you pillow your head at night, when you're going through your days, that who you are is good. And I'm glad that you're alive.
