Helping childreen with emotional dysregulation, with Viviana Powell

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell, and I'm the owner of Change Radically.

In this space, we'll talk all things inner wellness, and parenting will certainly come up too, because I'm a mom to four kids, so parenting is a huge part of my life.

This space is designed for safety. Your inner child is welcome. Your past self is invited to listen as well. And no matter what type of day you're having, I want you to know I'm glad to be with you.

I live out of vulnerability and transparency, so come and be. Be yourself. Be messy. Invite a friend, and please stay a while.

Keep coming back. I want you around. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

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Corinne Guido-Powell: I'm excited today because I have one of my daughters here with me, Viviana. Hi, Vivi.

Viviana Powell: Hi, Mommy.

Corinne Guido-Powell: And I'm excited for you to listen into our conversation. What we're talking about is just day-to-day living and how we interact with each other and how Vivi feels most supported and just what is it like to consciously parent and what is it like for a kid having to navigate the emotions and the situations that come up in everyday living within family and within school, whatever other arenas might come up. 

So come along with us. And if you have children of your own, I hope that you will bring them into this conversation too and let them take a listen. 

So Vivi, can we just start off by you sharing a little bit about yourself, your age, what are some of the things that you enjoy doing? Just tell everybody who's listening a little bit about you.

Viviana Powell: Um, I, uh, am 11. Um, and I like to draw a lot. I like to read. I like to play games. Um, and I like sports a lot.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Vivi's a very good artist. She really does enjoy it, but she's also good at it. All right, and what is it like for you when you think about your typical days at home? What are some of the biggest frustrations you experience?

Viviana Powell: I feel like, um, I'm doing everything and nobody else is helping. Whenever like you or dad asks someone to help, I'm always the person that helps. Nobody else.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And you're the firstborn, very mature, and you're quick to put aside your needs when you see that someone else has a need, huh?

And what are some of the things that make you happy when you think about having brother and sisters, living in family? There's the frustrations, there's the challenges. What are some of the good parts of it?

Viviana Powell: Um, well, when they're not like upset at me or hurting me, I really enjoy playing bf with all of them.

Ella is really good at interacting and making up games and playing with me. Kind of Asher… not as much… and Brielle is fun.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Yeah, Ella's very imaginative. And it is fun having a little one -year -old sister, isn't it?

Viviana Powell: Mm -hmm.

Corinne Guido-Powell: All right, when you hear the term dysregulation, what does that mean to you? How would you explain that to someone who's not super familiar with that term?

Viviana Powell: Dysregulation to me sounds like when you can't focus and you're not in control of yourself and something else is in control of you and you can't handle anything well. You're not focused.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Okay. Can you give us a day-to-day scenario when you're dysregulated?

Viviana Powell: When you're like, you have a lot of stress and you need to get this done, but then you need to get this done and you're so worried you're not going to get it done, you can feel dysregulated.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Hmm. And in that situation, what helps you to be able to get back to a place of regulation, clarity of thinking, focus?

Viviana Powell: Um, uh, there's many things that helped me, but, one of the things is just, um, like taking deep breaths and like just doing, thinking about one thing to do and doing it and taking step by step and, um, step by step and, being accountable for myself and time management.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Okay, there's a lot of good things you said there. Pausing to slow things down and to breathe. Pulling out the one thing to focus on when it feels like there's 15.

Viviana Powell: So yeah, one of the biggest things.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Okay. You have one of the things that might relieve the most pressure and then giving yourself step by step. Here's what, here's the next step to take. And then after I take that step, this is the next one. 

And it's true. Breaking things down into bite size steps does help. What about when you wish you could do all that, but you actually are so dysregulated. You can't think clearly. You're not able to. Go to that place of, hmm, and you can't do the next thing. What would you suggest then? What could be helpful for a child or a person when they don't know how to get out of their dysregulation?

Viviana Powell: At home, I usually like running away and being by myself or like playing a game by myself or just being by myself to help me calm down. Sometimes I know you and daddy like hold one of us or tell us like you need to calm down and that also instead of fighting it just like relaxing because you're not going to get out of it.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Mmm. And then what are some ways that you feel supported?

Viviana Powell: When somebody helps me with stuff or is like here, let me help you because I don't get a lot of help it seems like. Um, and I have to do a lot by myself. So someone's supporting me like that.

Corinne Guido-Powell: And similarly, what are some of the ways that you feel loved?

Viviana Powell: Also with like someone helping me out or like letting me have time to myself because I don't get a lot of that because I have to help around a lot or yeah, being by myself doing stuff I don't usually get to do.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Okay, having a chance to do something that you enjoy, giving, creating space that's set aside for you. If somebody does that for you, you feel loved. 

Viviana Powell: Mm -hmm. 

Corinne Guido-Powell: And what would you say is one of the biggest challenges for you as an 11 year old having siblings, living within family, what's one of the challenges that you face?

Viviana Powell: I have to do a lot and I don't get much time to myself. So I'm feeling like I have to do this. And when I really don't, I just do it and don't give anything to myself. Um, and working all the time. Just, yeah.

Corinne Guido-Powell: So you feel a lot of pressure and the expectation, you feel the expectation very strongly. And in my hearing, you don't want to disappoint people, so you'll meet their needs, even though you feel internally frustrated.

Viviana Powell: Mm-hmm.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Yes, I feel you. I'm sure there are a lot of other people listening who can understand that too. So what would you say to someone who feels that way that you just described? What would you say to them? How could they support themselves?

Viviana Powell: Well, I was talking to you the other day and I kind of, I was doing something that I really didn't have to do. So being like, accountable for myself and like letting yourself put that aside and saying, I need to do what's best for myself, not what's best for others and not go overboard. And that's very, very hard, but it's really good to work on that. So just take it one step at a time.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Okay, all right, so just very practically keeping in perspective that there are times when you feel the pressure to do something and you know someone else might really need that help, but you also recognize you need to take care of yourself. 

So putting aside someone else's needs and the pressure you feel to perform that task or whatever it might be and just saying, I'm not gonna do that right now, I'm gonna focus on what I need is hard, but something...

Viviana Powell: Mm -hmm.

Corinne Guido-Powell: you realize it's important to do. I think that's really great food for thought for those of us who focus on what needs to get done or what someone else needs. And we ignore or put aside our own feelings and our own frustrations because over time, if we do that repeatedly over time, our frustration just builds up, right? And then at some point what happens with all that built up frustration?

Viviana Powell: It can't let out and then it'll be worse from when you left off.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Yeah, yeah. So thank you Viv for sharing. Thank you for being willing to bring us into your experiences. 

I think this is really helpful because sometimes when we don't talk about things, it can be easy to think nobody else understands, right? Do you ever feel that way? That you don't hear people talking about an experience that's similar to yours so you wonder if you're the only one. I see you nodding your head. Is that something you feel sometimes? 

Viviana Powell: Yeah. 

Corinne Guido-Powell: Before we wrap up, is there anything else that you feel like you wanted to share that you think would be helpful for?

Viviana Powell: Oh, the thing with daddy.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Go ahead, what is it with daddy?

Viviana Powell: So, like, when having to do something, like if your parents or just someone asks you to do something that they need you to do, and you haven't been doing stuff for a while, like you've been laid back, even though you don't want to do it, you really should do it. Definitely. Like, it's, like, respecting, people are respecting you, but you also need to respect them.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Okay, so recognizing there's times you're not going to actually want to do something and you have to choose to do the hard thing. 

Choose to do the thing that feels irritating or frustrating or bothersome because you recognize, you know what, this is the right thing or this is the responsible thing to do. 

Viviana Powell: Yes.

Corinne Guido-Powell: And I think that's a good point because we can't just live our life riding our feelings. Oh, I don't feel like doing this, so I'm just not going to do it. Or this is too hard, so I'm going to back out. Or I'm not feeling excited about this, so I'm going to cancel. We can't always do that because that will land us in a place that's not good for us either. 

So sometimes it's going to be important to push ourselves like you're talking about and to remind ourselves that there is a responsibility we need to take care of.

And then there's other times, like you said, where you notice there's a demand that somebody is putting on me or that isn't even put on by someone else that I'm putting on myself. 

And I'm not going to meet that demand right now. I'm going to take care of my other needs. So I think you're talking about two different scenarios that are both really important and we each need to look inward to know. When is that time? 

Because there's going to be times when we put a demand on ourselves and we have, we have nobody else actually that's saying you have to go 110 percent, but we're telling ourselves we have to go 110 percent. And really we don't have to. 

And then there's other times when there is an expectation being put on us and we may not want to meet that expectation, but we come alongside of ourselves and we say, you know what, now it's important to do it. 

And you know you're capable, you know you're able, and so you push yourself to do the uncomfortable hard thing because it feels like the right thing to do in that moment. 

Very mature of you, and that's good for all of us to remember, Vivi.

Viviana Powell: Also, when you're doing, if you just think, instead of just thinking about it, like I know I like to get my snacks and lunch and get my clothes ready before school so we're not late. Instead of, yeah, the night before. Instead of just thinking about, like, I don't wanna do this, if you just get it done, it'll fly by and then you'll be done and then you can do whatever you want.

Corinne Guido-Powell: Yeah, especially because if you think I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, but you know you're actually going to do it. You just fought against yourself for really no reason, right? 

Because you were still going to do it all along. So it's okay to have that feeling. Of course, it's normal to feel like I don't want to do this, but then not to focus on that, but to actually say, I know, I don't want to do this. I don't feel like doing this. 

But I'm gonna go and do it and just getting it done. That's great. Very good. Very good points. These are things that I have to remind myself of as well. These are things that I have to practice. And by practice, I mean just doing them regularly so that they become a routine lifestyle. So before we wrap up, is there anything else you wanted to share?

Viviana Powell: No.

Corinne Guido-Powell: All right. Thanks for sharing with all of us and letting us in to your inner world. And I am proud of you for the ways that you're just who you are, just being who you are. And I love that you notice people, you see the people who nobody else is noticing and you're really comfortable going over to them and making them feel welcome. 

You're comfortable befriending the people who other people might not want to befriend. And that's a really beautiful thing, Vivi. I love that about you.

Viviana Powell: Thanks.

Corinne Guido-Powell: All right, for everyone listening, thank you for being here. I hope that you will join us again next week. Share this episode with a friend. If you have children, invite them in to listen. This is a conversation that we want others to be having. 

This is not something that just me and my daughter should have a chance to talk about, but you and the children that are a part of your life also deserve the opportunity to talk heart to heart about the struggles and just about their experience. How is it being them living life? 

And I just want to remind you as well that if you're at a place within yourself where you're feeling depressed regularly. You're struggling with anxiety. You're wondering when will life change? Will it ever get easier? Will it ever get better? There is hope. I'm here to offer support to you. There is a safe place to come and to talk. 

And if that's something you need, please reach out. You can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically⁠. You can go to my website, changeradically.com. And there's several ways that you can connect with me there. I'll see ya back here, same place, next week.

[Advertaisment] One more thing before we close out today's episode. I have a resource I've designed for you and the children in your life to create a deeper connection between each other and also to help you and them understand more themselves, their body, and how to become emotionally regulated. 

It's a workbook, Emotional Support for Kids and their Grown-ups, and it has journal prompts and activities and great information contained within it. And I hope that you'll check it out. You can go to my website changeradically/shop to find that resource. It's on sale right now, only $10 to pick up a downloadable, printable copy of it.

And if you'd like, you can also link through the show notes for that resource. 

[Ending] Well, we've come to the end of another episode. Sit back and reflect about what you heard.  What’s the one thing you can resonate with you that you can take away and do something with? 

Let’s not just listen, let’s listen and take action. Now, action may look very different for us but it’s doing something with what we hear. I hope that you will share today’s episode with a friend you think would also enjoy it and please come back next week. 

I hope that you have a fabulous week and that you remember when you pillow your head at night, when you are going through your days, that who you are is good and I am so glad that you're alive.