My Perfect Marriage
I’m choosing to share a piece of mine and Evan’s story with you to break the stigma. A perfect marriage isn’t flawless! Marriage looks messy. It’s complicated. A perfect marriage, in my opinion, is one that involves two people who love each other and actually want to do life together so much so that they both work diligently on becoming the best version of themselves for the sake of everyone they live with, including their own self!
In Jan of 2019 I decided I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to keep doing the same thing over and over again. I wasn’t going to keep the toxic cycle going. That cycle looked like“forgiving” my husband, giving him another chance, believing it would get better eventually. It meant I wasn’t going to continue to swallow his words and calm my response just to find out yet again that his words didn’t hold weight. Transparency was lacking and honesty was a shit show. Mind you, Evan and I both had a life coach we were regularly in touch with and I wasn’t making decisions without any input or advice. Furthermore I wasn’t making rash decisions.
If you mean what you say then you’ll do it. I get it, it’s not that easy. At least that’s what we often say. Whether you disagree with me or not, I still stand by it. If you mean what you say then you’ll do it! And that wasn’t happening when it came to his words and our marriage.
The anomaly of all of this is that the mug I captured in the photo above isn’t meant to prove my husband was the problem and I’m the best wife ever! That’s not what I’m trying to convey, nor is it how I feel. I don’t act amazing all the time and Evan has loved me and supported me through some of the darkest times of my life. He endlessly lays down his life for me and our 3 kids. He loved our nephew like his own son. We both homeschool our kids and share the responsibility of that equally, and he still makes sure we’re provided for financially. He’s pretty amazing! Yes, my husband’s actions in certain ways were definitely tearing us apart and destroying our relationship, but his actions in many ways are separate from who he is as a man.
As much as I worked to repair our relationship and communicate to help make our marriage a beautiful one, it seemed futile. That’s why I finally said, enough is enough, I’m moving next door! We have an in law apartment attached to our house, that was vacant at the time, and that’s just what I did. I took a chunk of my things and moved next door. It was the hardest moment of decision I’d ever experienced in our marriage. It took so much strength and courage to stick to my word and do what I’d threatened to do if his actions didn’t take a different direction. I’ll just clarify, there were gradual action steps that took place before that drastic one. But for sake of time I’m not going into all that in this post.
Through my experience, here is what I learned. As hard as one person may work to heal from their trauma, if the other party doesn’t work hard enough, the relationship may not improve. You as a person certainly will; hence, my courage and fortitude to make the tough decision to separate myself for a time. There is always a huge benefit to inner healing and mind renewal! Also I don’t think the point is to stay married forever in a toxic, unhappy relationship. At least for my personal life, and the people I advise, that’s not what you’re gonna hear from me. I am all about trying as hard as you can to make your marriage last forever and become beautiful. That’s my heart for my marriage. But not at the expense of losing myself and creating chaos for my children’s childhood. I think that is lousy and disgraceful.
So here we are 10 months later experiencing the best season yet in our marriage! We still have our bumps in the road, but we’re closer and stronger as a result of my actions and Evan’s response back last January. My strong stance shook Evan at the core, and it put a fire under him to work harder than ever on his own emotional recovery. I am extremely proud of him and very grateful! He honestly is the man I wanted to marry. I knew he was meant for me, and I want to do life with him for the rest of my days.
Would I make another drastic decision in the future for the sake of myself and my family if I needed to? Yes, I would. However, for now, I am happy and hopeful. Here’s to the perfect marriage!
