Secrets

Perhaps there’s something you don’t want others to see or know, something you’d rather keep hidden, a secret. I want to invite you in, and while you're here I'll uncover another part of my life's story. My incredible husband doesn't mind that I'm sharing our story. Evan, thank you for choosing transparency and vulnerability with me.

As individuals we have different stories, but many times there are similarities.  I'm not looking for the critics to voice what they disagree with, but for those who identify to know there's hope. I share mine and Evan’s story for those who are standing in the shadows hurting and hoping there's a way out, to know that in fact there is!

  Pornography and addiction are two words that may hold all sorts of emotions for you depending on your life experience or assumptions around them. For me those two words carry many memories that brought with them pain, chaos and destruction - not just for me, but for my family and many families I know. When I hear pornography addiction, I also feel a passion rise up inside that makes me want to use my voice to bring healing and hope to what’s typically a lonely, broken, very pain-filled place inside of many. If you have been affected by someone's addiction, or struggle with addiction yourself, my hope is that in this space you'll find relief.

  My husband's battle with pornography began when he was extremely young, about 6 years old. Before he and I were even dating I knew about his struggles. He shared it with me because he actually wanted to be free from the constant internal war. He didn't know what life was like without it. He hated the battle and the powerlessness he felt in it. I didn't know the extent of the situation, just that pornography was a part of his life. As we began dating it felt different; it became more personal to me and wasn't just his battle anymore. Probably the most difficult part of it all was the lying that came as part of the package. Because it was his means to cope, to manage in his every day, he would numb out and porn was the way he did it. This meant it stole hours from him each day! Looking at porn is one thing, being addicted to it is a whole different story.

  Addiction brought with it lots of deceit. Honesty has always felt beautiful to me and dishonesty somewhat disgusting. I think someone is more respectable and even lovely - no matter what they have to share - when they are honest about it and don't try to hide or make excuses. I say that after having heard hundreds of people’s personal stories filled with details that carry shame, guilt and regret. Those individuals gain my respect by exposing what feels so painful and sometimes shameful. It's their story; it's their life. It shouldn’t have to be hidden. It's not okay that people live carrying around such heaviness and have no where that feels safe to share it. For however many people it may be, I want to be someone who makes the world a little easier and a little safer. I want every individual who opens up to me to know they are valuable and worth much, no matter how many times their life experiences want to say otherwise.

  Consequently, lying about what was really going on was normal behavior for Evan. His sexual lusts were overpowering. In turn, he was regularly looking for ways to numb out and disengage from reality. Choosing pornography was a normal part of his life and in the times he tried to stop he would get irritable and agitated more easily which was totally opposite of his normal, happy-go-lucky self. There were hundreds of times that I'd suspect something was "up" or "off" only to have Evan deny my intuition and down-play it, lying his way out. After months of this I would uncover something, or find him in the middle of a moment he meant to have hidden, and then an explosion of my emotions would ensue! I was enraged, furious, hurt, disappointed and felt so betrayed. Recovering from these episodes took time. I would slowly process through my emotions and get back to the place where I could go on living life and embracing my relationship with my husband. That would only last so long before another episode would transpire, producing the same result.  During pregnancies the emotional distress I felt was a nightmare, only it was experienced while I was wide awake. Fear and distrust were very normal parts of my relationship with Evan. I lived in this emotional hell hole for years.

  Fortunately that isn't the end of our story. Today Evan is sober-minded. He keeps short clean records. He's intentionally working towards inner wellness and transformation in his thinking. In the forefront of his mind is the concept that his family is worth more to him than his momentary pleasure. Not living as the addict anymore allows him to be level headed about it. Perhaps you're wondering how he got to this point. Let me tell you.

  For me and Evan breakthrough began on the journey to find inner healing and mind renewal. In the past I would ask Evan, how are you feeling? and besides “good “ or “bad “ he might not have any other description. He simply didn't know how or what he was feeling in any given situation. He had words to describe what he thought and how he believed, but not how he actually felt. In many cases self-awareness is sorely lacking in people’s lives. Some of that stems from not knowing how we're personally feeling, how another might be feeling, or what's going on inside of us at any given moment.

 To be more specific, Evan began working with a Life Coach to find ways to heal from trauma that began in childhood. I had done that previously as well and continue to keep that as a part of my process to stay connected emotionally to my heart. He did this so that he could begin to understand more of his emotions and figure out what they were and how to use them as an aid. Let me give you a real-life scenario.

Evan would be feeling what was excitement, anticipation or dread over an upcoming trip to visit family and because he didn’t know he was feeling anything he would pause before turning to pornography and choose to feel. He would allow the feeling to surface and sit with it, trying to decipher what emotion it was and why it presented itself. Instead of looking at porn, as he had done for so many years, he would identify with his feelings and share how he felt with me or a friend, even digging a little deeper to discover why the feelings were there. Then he could express it through words or actions, in turn creating new neural pathways in his brain, no longer dissociating and numbing.

That's so very important in the healing process. Creating new neural pathways is vital and neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to change) is amazing! Your mind is powerful and affects your body immensely. The way of thinking that has been your norm for any length of time can change with effort and intention! (If you’d like to explore this idea further, check out Dr. Caroline Leaf's podcast. Look for episode 40. )

  In addition to Evan's own personal strides I had to pursue my own growth. Fourteen years ago I began the journey of inner healing and have kept that as a part of my lifestyle. About a year and a half ago I was awakened to the fact that I was still living codependently and started working intentionally to change that. I also discovered how to reparent and heal my inner child. My actions definitely helped propel Evan forward. He and I will be forever grateful to our Life Coach for the on-going healing that has resulted from his support!

  Life is not meant to be lived alone. Find beautiful people to bring into your circle and soak up the love they have for you. Of course, don’t let it be one sided. Love them well too! Allow yourself to be vulnerable as those relationships develop and strengthen. Life lived in transparency, alongside people who sincerely care about us, makes for a much more beautiful world. Here's to real beauty!