The Impact of Emotional Neglect

[Intro] Hi and welcome to my podcast. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive guide and the owner of Change Radically. My intention both here and in private sessions, is to come alongside you in a way that feels safe and empowering. So many of us are experiencing similar things and feeling common emotions, but we won't know that unless we talk about it. I specialize in helping people pleasers change patterns and create a life they feel good about. Life should not be consumed by doing things you feel obligated to do.

Do you want to feel a lot less frustrated than stop living in a way that benefits everyone else at your expense? Empowered to Thrive as a place of safety, Conversations focus on topics that impact our mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Parenting comes up too, because I'm a mom to four kids and it's natural for me to talk about the impact that has on life.

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I'll start now on today's episode.

Hello beautiful people. I'm glad to be with you.  No baby with me today, no baby sounds in the background. She is with Evan at the moment so I’m cracking out some work. Today we are going to talk about how you can identify whether or not you have unresolved trauma in your life.

I've heard from some people because they don't remember a lot of their childhood or they don't feel like they have any big major life events that get labeled traumatic that maybe they don't have any unresolved trauma, but yet at the same time, they're unhappy, living with intense anxiety, and struggling to manage through their days, so if you identify with that I want you to know there's a good reason for it. Bottom line: there is a reason always for why we experience the emotions we experience. Our thoughts come and go, emotions come and go, but there's usually an underlying belief, a past experience that Is the reason why we feel what we feel. So we don't have to give in, if you want to use that term for all of your feelings, you don't have to let your feelings manage you. You certainly don't have to believe every thought that you have but I do think it's important to know that what you're experiencing, is valid.

I don't want you to feel like you have to minimize it because you're like, but I don't think I've been through anything traumatic, so I don't think I can carry that label. And it's not about carrying a label. That's not the point here. The point is that you can know there's a valid reason you feel like you do. 

You're not alone in your feelings and - best part - there's a way out.

You should not have to live with intense anxiety, heightened depression, or just struggling to get through your days. We will have moments where we feel depressed, where we experience anxiety. Where we have a hard time. Yes, that's a part of living. It's OK. I'm talking about when this is more or less you're normal. Like, you live with this as a part of your existence. That doesn't have to be.

So all of this to say, let me just lay it out flat that if you experienced emotional neglect. Where a parental figure simply did not notice when you were lonely, sad, needing a hug, needing someone to listen, needing someone to celebrate something that was going on in your life, whether it's that you came home from school as a little kid and you had a paper, something you drew, or a test that you wanted to show your parental figures, your caregivers and there is nobody there to notice, to get excited, to celebrate with you. It could be very minuscule, seemingly minuscule, cause these events do matter. They are a big deal overall. So seemingly minuscule things could have happened, but when those things happen on repeat, on the regular, they have a detrimental effect. And this is the case for many, many of us, that we may not feel like we experienced outright abuse, though those of us that have, you know, we know it. Whether that was a parental figure, putting their hands on you, whether that was verbal abuse, there are so many forms of abuse that socially I would say are accepted. And it's not OK. Parents should not be aggressively putting their hands on their children, parents should not be yelling and screaming at their children and name-calling their children. That is not OK. Whether that's what you were conditioned to feel was acceptable, still doesn't make it OK. 

So, emotional neglect, over time, Is very detrimental. Because we start to internalize beliefs such as my needs don't matter, my voice isn't heard, what I have to say is not important, and nobody cares about me. My problems, my needs, must not be big enough.

We conclude these things because that's what we will do as children. We're going to look at the room. We're going to say, well, nobody's hearing us, so I guess someone’s needs matter more. Because that's the person that's being attended to right now. When the truth is no, your needs matter just as much as the other person's. But maybe the caregiver can't meet each person's needs at that moment, so it's OK that something like that would happen to a child. It's gonna happen in the course of living like parents can't meet every need of every child. But here's the thing, it's when it happens on repeat on the regular, and we don't express what we're starting to feel from that.

If a child expresses -Mom, dad, or whoever that caregiver is- “When you always respond to this person's needs, it feels like you don't care about mine” 

Then we're able to have a conversation about it.

“Ohh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize that I was responding to them more quickly than to you. Your needs matter. I'm going to try to be more attentive and be faster at getting to you when you call. Because I want you to know that I care about your needs as much as I care about that other person.”

That's what a child needs to hear. To be able to challenge the belief that would want to come into play, the belief that would say my needs aren't as important as someone else's. We get to challenge these beliefs by voicing what we're even thinking and feeling. So perhaps you did not have the opportunity or a parental figure or a caregiver with the capacity with the understanding as to how to have those types of conversations, so now you're an adult feeling the residual effect of what's happened in your childhood, and the underlying beliefs you assumed, then you're going to carry on throughout your life and you're going to have a bias towards certain beliefs because we look at the world, and we say -Ah, this is happening to me because…- And it may not be an accurate conclusion. But it's based on the beliefs we assumed when we were little because of the experiences that we had.

So, what can you do now as an adult? This is why self-parenting is so important because we get to take care of the little kid that we once were. It's inner child healing. Which I am an extreme advocate of because it is so transformative. So we can take care of ourselves in a way we've always needed. That might look like as a grown adult, you're going to get yourself to bed earlier because you know you need the rest. As little kids, hopefully, we had a caregiver who was helping us to get to bed at the best time for our bodies, so we got the rest we needed. But as an adult, we have to be responsible to do that. But it's a way where self-parenting we're taking care of ourselves, and it shows up in all sorts of forms. When we need attention, we need love. We don't always have to find it from an outside source, an outside source is certainly good to have. It's great to have friendships and relationships in the family with people you can depend on, with people who are there to hear you out, to validate your feelings, to offer you loving support, but if you do not have that, you can still start to offer it to yourself.

I feel like you need to always have a baseline of offering that to yourself before you then go expecting it from other people.

Let me say that differently: Initially, what we needed, we always needed a parental figure to attune to us, to notice us, and to co-regulate us. When we don't have that, we are looking for that from other outside sources because their inner child is still longing for what they never received. That's why I'm encouraging you to offer it to yourself because that's the act of self-parenting.

It's saying, you know what, I recognize there's a deficit here because I didn't receive it from my parental figures at the time when I should have, now I'm expecting it subconsciously. You may not be aware of this, but I'm expecting it from other people outside sources because I have this longing, this craving within me that was never satisfied, and instead of expecting it from the other outside sources, I'm going to start to cultivate a relationship with my self that offers compassion and care and loving support. That looks like noticing our emotions throughout the day. -Ah, I feel sad right now. You know what? Let me visualize- Or hug myself. Let me wrap my arms around myself. You can wrap your arms around yourself. You can visualize yourself giving that little kid you once were a hug. These are tangible ways of showing up for yourself and pausing in the middle of your day, noticing what you feel, and recognizing that is there for a valid reason. There may be an echo of your past that is showing up in the present day. This happens to all of us, all the time.

But are we noticing it? Are we going a step further and saying I noticed this and now I'm going to offer myself loving support? Once you start doing that for yourself, it's wonderful to create relationships with people who also offer loving support.

But before we do that for ourselves, we're going to automatically expect too much from other people because again, we're trying to fill a void and satisfy a need that was never met years and years ago. That's why we're going to expect too much from other people, and if this doesn't resonate with you and you had wonderful caregivers who offered you what you needed, you may not be expecting too much from other people. You may be showing up in your relationships and recognizing, hey, they can't always be there. 

For me, it's OK if they don't respond to my text right away if they don't answer my calls, or call me back right away if we don't get together. 

But every several months, it's all OK because you may not need to fill a void. If the void isn't there, you don't get to fill it. But when we didn't get what we needed from our parental figures, sometimes we end up in romantic relationships where we are codependent. We're expecting other people to be there always for us, or we start to become exclusive. Our partner is the one we spend most of our time with because again, we're subconsciously expecting them and wanting them to be the parent we never had, and I know maybe that sounds even disgusting to you, but it's not. It's the little kid we once were, trying again and again and again to get what they always deserved.

So don't make it into something it doesn't need to be. Offer compassion to that younger part of yourself and just recognize 

Ohh. You want someone to always be with you because as a kid, we deserve to have parental figures who expressed that they always wanted to be with us. Maybe that was through their delight when they saw us. When you see someone in your eyes light up, it sends a message that I'm happy to be with you. Maybe it was simply your parents or your caregivers who were with you. They spent time with you. It can look different, but if you didn't have that, my heart feels for you, because I understand that there is a longing that you deserve to have satisfied. 

So, friend, In this moment, I want to speak to your inner child. I want that younger part of you to hear, you have always mattered so very much. Your needs matter. Your feelings matter. What you feel, you're allowed to feel. It's OK to feel a full range of emotions. There's gonna be times when you're very angry and there's gonna be times when you're super sad. There are moments you're going to feel loneliness, and fear. And all of that is OK. It's normal.

But, I want you to also know that you get to experience happiness and joy. That you're allowed to live the life that you live. You're allowed to wake up and be super happy and excited for the day. I know that sometimes Mom and Dad were so overwhelmed and stressed out and angry that your happiness and your joy got squashed. Maybe you would wake up in the morning feeling happy and come downstairs to hear somebody yelling or to see somebody angry and upset, and you kind of bottled up, you push down. Your joy and your happiness turned off because of the people that were around you and because of their emotions, and I want to invite you to allow that happiness and that joy to bubble up again and to be present. I want to remind you that assuming you've moved out of the house that you once grew up in with your caregivers, you're in a different environment now and you get to determine the atmosphere.

You get to determine.

What your home is going to feel like, What your environment is going to be like. There will always be other people who are in different moods, but they do not have to determine your mood. You're allowed to feel happiness and joy even if someone across from you is sad, and grieving. You're allowed to feel sadness and grief even when people around you are feeling excited and happy. These emotions are allowed to coexist. Better yet, hopefully, people will turn to you and recognize when you are having a difficult day, when you are feeling grieved over something. And again, they might not have to feel it.

But they can let you know that they notice you. That they care about you. They don't have to feel your emotions to care about you. You have always been important.

And I am really sad. I'm sorry and grieved over the moments when your parental figures didn't express that they didn't even notice they were so overwhelmed and consumed by their own emotions that they didn't even see you.

I'm so sorry. You always deserve to be noticed. And I just invite you as the grown adult that you are, to visualize in your mind's eye going over to that little kid you once were huddled up in the corner of the room, that little kid, I see a little kid. So it might resonate with some of you and it might not resonate with others of you, and that's OK. Just take it if it feels right for you.

I see a little kid huddled up in the corner of a room, their legs pulled up to their chest, their arms wrapped around the front of their legs. Invite the grown-up that you are to go over to that little kid and sit on the floor next to them. You don't have to say anything unless you want to. I see some of you wrapping your arms around that little child.

Just in a loving kind way that that little kid is just being noticed. We're noticing their feelings. We're turning to them. We're there with them. We're just present.

You deserve to have someone present with how you feel because again, your feelings, matter. They're a big deal. We care about how you feel.

So sit with that little kid as long as you feel comfortable. Say whatever you wish, whatever loving kind things that little kid needs to hear. If you're feeling like there's something you're supposed to say, then just say it to your inner child, visualize these things in your mind's eye, and if this isn't for you, that's OK. Move on.

But as I wrap up this episode, I just want to remind you that what you feel is valid. I want you to know that you don't have to minimize it because other people's trauma seems bigger. Other people's pain seems more intense.

It may be but we're not here to qualify it. I'm here to acknowledge that how you feel and what you've experienced matters. And there is always hope. And there's always healing available.

You have the opportunity to live feeling joyful and feeling peaceful. The life that you wish to experience is possible. I know how hard it can be to get up and feel like you can't face the day, wishing that you just didn't have to keep on going. And I also know what it is to experience euphoric highs, simply because you found inner peace, not because you're having to use a substance to get yourself to that place.

Transformation is possible. Does it take intention? An effort? Yes. You'll have to be willing to do the inner work. But, It's worth it. It is so worth it. 

I'm cheering for you and I'm here if you need support.

[Ending] We've come to the end of another episode, and I'm so glad you were here with us. I hope that you'll consider what you heard today and start to put into practice something that resonated with you.

Meet us here next week, and between now and then, please share the episode with a friend. I hope that we'll connect, whether it's for a session or just to connect because I enjoy meeting new people.

You can find me on Instagram, @corinne_changeradically   

or on Facebook, Change Radically.

You can also always e-mail me at corinne@changeradically.com

If you have thoughts, questions, or anything that you just want to talk about, send me an e-mail. I hope that you have a wonderful week. But no matter what your week is like, in the quiet moments, maybe it's when you pillow your head at night, or when you're driving in the car or taking a walk, or maybe it's going to be in the midst of the chaos with your children, or the craziness of work, I hope that you'll remember how significant you are, that there is meaning and value to your life, and that I’m so glad that you're alive, catch you again next week.