Why is holiday season stressful? Tips on how to stress less
Some of the things that I think are important that I've adopted as I've simplified my life and as I've walked out of people pleasing and codependency is knowing what you want the holidays to look like and then structuring your schedule and your yes and your no along those lines. So when you sit and you think, okay, what would I want the holidays to be like?
I want them to be like slow, low key. I want it.. to be just kind of filling, bullet pointing some of the values. Do I want it to be a time of connection? Do I want it to be a time when I actually spend a lot of money or I don't?
You know, knowing some of the things that I want to do. Things that feel valuable or just feel aligned with the season of life you're in right now. There's times when we can afford to be busier during the holidays and there's times when we actually need to slow it down and that might vary year to year.
So knowing the season you're in and knowing what's valuable to you helps you to then know what to say yes to and what to say no to. So instead of feeling the pressure of, well, I can feel their expectation on me. They really want me to be at this party or I feel the expectation of they would really like this gift, especially if it's someone you care about and you know something they want, but you already have these set.
You've already sat in place how you're trying to navigate the season. Then it makes it easier. Not easy, but easier to know how to respond to those pressures because you're not responding off of the emotion of that moment. You're responding based off of something that's bigger, something that's almost outside of you.
You're adapting to it, but it's maybe not yours. It's maybe the general idea. Like Farah, you said, you know, this commercialism. Like you just don't want to buy into it. Well, that means you're going to structure your holidays differently than some people because some people are without even recognizing buying into that.
So really practically, like, you know, sometimes I'll see pictures of people under their tree and there's just so many presents. And this is no shame. This is no judgment on that. But if the presents are all there under the tree because, well, this is what we do at Christmas, then what's the point? So I think stepping back and considering why are we doing what we do is a great place to be. Like, “oh, why am I so busy?”
Years ago, I felt like the holiday season was super busy. But now I don't feel that way. But that's because I've actually stopped doing so many of the expected things. It means I don't make it to all the events that I get invited to. It means some years Christmas cards don't get sent or they get sent later.
So again, just think about the interactions with you have with a cashier or a bank teller. I found that sometimes over the holiday season, people are talking about just getting, that they're super stressed, that they hate this time of year. And that's not everyone, there's some people that love this time of year. But I think there is a lot of that and we don't have to be one of those people.
And again, especially if you're doing things or not doing things based off of the expectations of society or other people. Then I'm really encouraging you to evaluate.
Or if we're going to look at like, okay, why do I even do these things? Consider how it was growing up. Because some of the things we're going to do are simply because, well, this is all I've ever known. Like, this is how we did it. This is how my parents did it. Or this is how they didn't do it.
And I used to think, go. Going with my kids and Evan to pick out the Christmas tree was like super important. And then I've realized some years I don't go with them. And they go pick out a live tree. And as long as I don't complain about whatever type they bring back, then I'm cool with it.
Because if I'm going to have that strong of opinion, I might as well go and help pick out the tree. But I had to reshape my thought around that. Like, no, this doesn't have to be a family outing. It can be. But maybe something else is going to be a family outing. And that isn't. So letting go of this mentality that, well, we started this once. It became a tradition.
And how could I not follow through? People are going to be disappointed. Or maybe I'm going to even feel some emotions that I'm uncomfortable with. You might. And that's a part of living, is having to face some emotions that are uncomfortable. So let's just, my encouragement is let's not be afraid of that.
And let's embrace it where I feel a little bit of sadness. I feel a little bit of disappointment. This is different than it was in the past. And yet this is what it is this year. And maybe it's not going to be next year. Maybe what's different or what feels disappointing this year is truly only for this particular year.
So that's one element. I think another important, second piece is navigating the actual times we're together with family. I know that sometimes when you're with family, that is that some family members are just uncomfortable to be around. They have strong opinions or they disagree with things.
And, and it comes up when you're with them. Right. I don't think the goal is to have to drink extra alcohol. Take extra smoke breaks. Or do, do these other things that we're very used to seeing people do to cope. Like this is very, very, very common.
Let's just have a little more alcohol so that it makes being with the people we don't…we have a hard time being with a little bit more tolerable, okay?
Again, there's no shame or judgment in this. It's simply the idea that is there another way? And I think there is, I think knowing what your boundaries and your limits need to be ahead of time, again, predetermining. If there's a family member, that's hard to be around. You don't have to go for the whole event.
You don't have to stay the whole day. You can make an appearance and say, you know, know within yourself “Okay. I'm going to be here for 30 minutes. I'm going to stay here for an hour. I'm going to stay here for an hour or two hours”, whatever feels good to you.
And then it doesn't even need to be something that you tell the others. You just know. Now is my time to head out. Hey, I'm going to head out. Some people might be like, “Oh, why are you leaving so soon?” Okay. They're entitled to feel that way. It also doesn't mean you have to stay long. I think it's also fine to predetermine. I think I only want to stay this amount of time. And then you evaluate when you're, you're there.
If you are truly enjoying yourself, you feel like, you know what? I would like to stay an extra half an hour. You deciding that in the moment is okay. As long as you're deciding it based off of how you're really doing. Like, again, I don't feel pressured to stay.
I'm enjoying myself and I'm choosing to stay for another 30 minutes. That is fine. It's, it's not going against what you set in place if you check in with yourself after you've stayed there that amount of time. Now, what about when you have a controversial situation arise and you're there. You're not, you're not trying to just run away from the situation. What to do then?
And my suggestion is to take a bathroom break. And ground yourself. Where you recognize your breathing. You take some deep breaths. You remind yourself of anything, any, anything that you need to hear, whether it's, I am safe in this moment. And I literally wrap my arms around myself and I rock. Whether it's “These people. And their opinions do not define me”. Or “This person has their viewpoint and it's different than mine and we're allowed to have different viewpoints”. And you're in there giving yourself a little bit of a pep talk. But you're also in, in taking a moment away.
Because you need to offer yourself. The compassion and the empathy that isn't being offered to you by that other person or peer persons. So this idea of grounding ourselves is literally. Thinking. I think of it as I'm coming. Back into my body. Instead of needing to escape my body because I do not feel safe. I am deliberately. Checking my breath. I am connecting with myself. And I am affirming myself. And through all these means and others that you might feel work well for you we're reintegrating and able to come back into our body instead of needing to get away and escape it.
Because we learn through what we experienced in life that at times it isn't, doesn't feel safe to stay inside of our, in our body. So we dissociate we're, we're somewhere else in our mind right? Think about the kid who's being hit, they're being abused. Maybe they're being yelled at. They could be tuning, zoning out, tuning out what's happening. They could be in Lulu, Lala land. They're going to do whatever they have to do to get through that which is dissociation and we need it to survive things. But we don't want to continue that when we intentionally are trying to heal and change our patterns.
When we're trying to heal and change our patterns we then want to say: “How can I come out of that dissociated place and reenter my body as clearly as things are going on right now?” Like in this moment for us, us being aware of ourselves might be noticing, “Oh, my mouth feels dry right now”. Probably I need to take a sip of something, some water to drink or whatever it is for you. “Oh, I'm warm”, “I'm cold”. My stomach hurts”. “I feel very settled and safe”.
It's noticing so that we can be present in this moment with ourselves, not in our heads. I wonder what somebody else on the screen is thinking of me. Again, those are normal thoughts. There's nothing, nothing's a matter with them, but they're another way that we're not fully like, we're preoccupied with the idea of what somebody else might think instead of just embracing who we are, where we are, and just being.
So I think that stepping away and grounding yourself and then going back, that doesn't mean you have to go back to pick up the conversation with that person that you were having. It may just mean being able to reintegrate back into the group. You can actually be straight and plain and say, I don't want to continue the conversation with whoever it was that, you know, might've started having some sort of conversation that you were uncomfortable with.
Because I think this very easily happens when we get together with people, family, other people, you know, I mean, I know some of you said you enjoy it being with the family, which is terrific, but even if it's not the holidays, latch onto this for the times when you're like, oh yeah, uh-huh. Yep. I can think about those times when even somebody I live with on the day-to-day says things or does things and I want to escape. I want to numb out. How can I, instead of numbing out, actually get in touch with myself, with what is going on, in, within me?
So let's just take a couple of deep breaths before as a way to again, reintegrate and come back into our bodies and to create a space that feels safe in this moment for us to receive the goodness that is available.
So just breathe in, hold that breath. Slowly exhale. So I just set the expectation that this holiday season is going to actually be full of joy that it's going to be better than we're expecting better than we can imagine and better than we've experienced in the past. To every bit of pain, dysfunction, stress, and chaos that we've experienced around holidays in the past in that place I release peace and hope and joy.
That those memories that those experiences that we did walk through would not have to a fact this holiday season, that this holiday season, we would feel that we're entering spaces, you know, unhindered. We're not walking in remembering, oh, I have that memory of last year or years ago and what happened. That this time we'd be able to be in the season, actually experiencing the fullness of joy, the fullness of peace and rest. I bless each of you with the ability to rest in the middle of the busyness, in the middle of what some people say, you know, is chaotic.
And what other people say is the happiest time of the year. That for each of you, for each of us, we would be able to experience it with a rest. That even people coming in contact with us would say, wow, it's like you carry, you carry this rest on your shoulders.
Not a heaviness, not a weight, but something that feels restful and light. That you would be the wind as you walk past people, as you interact with people, that the wind that they catch from you and from your spirit and from the energy field around you, that it would be what causes them to feel at rest.
They would be able to get a taste because of your example, that the holidays can be low stress, that the holidays can be fun, that they can be non-commercialized, but really full of connection and depth and joy. So I bless you with that and, and with the ability, to connect with yourself more fully than you have in the past, to be able to recognize the needs you have and to honor those, to honor those needs, to create pockets and places and spaces to meet those needs. That you would feel a freedom to ask for help. And that you would even feel, a sense of, a sense of audacity, a sense of determination that it is okay that I have needs and I should ask for help.
And it would just be a shift within you that, to that part of you that is felt like uncomfortable or, um, you know, bad for, for asking for help. That, that wouldn't just not be the case this time around. That this time around, you just feel like, no, it's gotten a little bit easier. It's become a little bit more natural. Yeah. And in that, that, that little child you once were once were would know, yes, I'm not too much. I'm not the problem. I deserve help. I deserve to have my needs met.
Because you do.
