How to sleep better? with Kylee Nelson

[Intro] Hello, welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm so glad you joined me today. I'm your host, Corinne Powell.

I'm an intuitive mentor and I help people pleasers to find happiness, embrace courage, and experience peace of mind. But say you're not a people pleaser and you're desperate for change and not sure how to make it happen? Then I'm here to help. In this space, you're going to find motivation to live a life full of joy and resilience.

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Corinne Powell: I have here with me today, Kylie Nelson.

She's a licensed therapist and a coach for moms. Kylie has a passion for helping moms of littles reclaim joy in their lives by overcoming mom guilt, anxiety, depression, and overwhelm through mindset work and self-care. Kylie is a mama to a toddler, married to her best friend, and loves Harry Potter, self-care, and dark chocolate. Yes, dark chocolate is good. 

Kylie Nelson: So delicious. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah, my pleasure. And today we're specifically, I'm interested to hear what you have to tell us about sleep hygiene for moms.

Kylie Nelson: Yeah. So sleep hygiene, I think is just the most important thing, whenever we're talking about like self-care and emotional wellness. That's always the very first thing that I check in with people on because if you're not sleeping, if you're waking up every day and you're exhausted, it's going to be really hard to make progress in the other areas of your life. So if we can get you sleeping well, then you're going to have so much more like energy and just, you're just going to be able to do so much more. 

Corinne Powell: Totally. I feel you. Yeah. This last year, well, maybe longer. I don't know sometimes timelines, but I've been focusing on just what my body needs and sleep is one of those things, you know, like what I put into it, how I move it and then how much time I'm sleeping.

Kylie Nelson: So this is what you're going to say I'm sure is going to even help me in the direction I've been trying to go. 

Yeah, yeah. So I kind of talk about two different things whenever it comes to sleep hygiene. First, it's just like our normal schedule and routine and what we're doing in our day and how we might have to change some things up there. And then the second part is what we're doing for those one to two hours, like right before bed.

And then when we're waking up in the middle of the night, so we can get back to sleep. So we can start and I'll just share first some things about like daily routines and what that might look like to help prepare us for sleep. So that sound good?

Corinne Powell: Sounds good. 

Kylie Nelson: Yeah. So some of the first things that we always look at, of course, are your caffeine intake. So are you drinking any caffeine during the day? Are you having caffeine in the afternoon, early evenings? If so, you might be a person who needs to cut that out. That's not true for everyone, but if you're having trouble sleeping, then that should be something that you should look at first is what's your caffeine like in the afternoons. 

And then the other big thing for daily routines is looking at where's your exercise. I know right now, especially with kids at home and the pandemic, a lot of people are waiting to do their exercise until after their kids are in bed, especially if you have younger kids. But that can also make us awake and alert, and then we have trouble resting and falling asleep. So those are two really big things to think about as far as like lifestyle things that we're doing and how that's affecting our sleep as well.

Corinne Powell: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Just hearing you thinking about my own life, you know, oh, when do I have coffee? And it used to not affect me at all when I wish it did. And I'm kind of at that point where I'm not sure how it affects me. Yeah.

So I know that I haven't slept as well in the last few weeks and it made me think like, hmm, I wonder if I could figure out why that is. 

Kylie Nelson: Yeah. And I think there's, there's so many other sources of caffeine too. Like sometimes we don't even think about like hot tea or like soda or anything like that, that maybe you're just used to grabbing with dinner or having in the evenings. And that could be causing that to happen. There are some really great decaf options that you can always look into. If you like to have your afternoon cup of coffee or tea, just find a good decaf alternative. It doesn't mean that you have to completely give it up, but just figuring out how to make it work for you. So it's not causing you to be awake all night.

Corinne Powell: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kylie Nelson:  Some of the other things about a daily routine is trying to have a normal wake and sleep time that can be really helpful. So if you're waking up about the same time each day and trying to go to bed about the same time each day, that can be super powerful because our bodies kind of work like a clock. So they're used to doing the same things around the same time.

And so if we're like sleeping in really late on the weekends and then staying up really late and then trying to reverse that during the week, we're also going to have a really hard time getting to sleep at the time that we want to go to bed because our body is going to be like, wait, I thought we switched this up. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah. So, and before going to sleep, I've heard things about like blue light or like, I don't know, is that the term for the light on our phone? Like that there's, yeah, it can be harder to sleep when you're looking at your phone right before sleep.

Is that what you're also, is that the direction? 

Kylie Nelson: Definitely. Yeah. So I really encourage my clients to develop an evening routine where you put away your screens at least an hour before bed.

And that can sound like a lot for some people, especially if you're doing a lot of work at night. I know I myself work some nights in the evenings right now because my son is little and at home and I've got to get some work done, but when possible, putting our screens away at least an hour before bed and trying to do something more relaxing, whether that's like playing a board game or a card game with your partner or reading a book, like a paper book or doing some yoga or some meditation or just taking a hot shower or doing something like that without all this external coming in. 

But I also know that a lot of couples like to watch shows together in the evenings. And my husband and I are no different. Sometimes we like to watch a show in the evening and it happens to be close to bedtime. So something that we've found is we often all watch shows like on an iPad in our room. And if you go to the light feature on your phone or on your iPad, if you hold it down, there's a function called night mode and it switches the light on your phone. So it doesn't keep you awake quite as much. 

It's still not great to do if you're having a lot of trouble sleeping, but it is a good option to have because not everybody's going to put their screens away all the time before bed. And I know that and I'm realistic. So if we can either like use some blue light glasses, use the night mode on your phone, that can be really helpful as well. Yeah.

And then as far as like evening routines and things like that, if you're really struggling to sleep, I know a lot of my clients really struggle because they're dealing with anxiety. And what can happen is like right before bed, all these thoughts come flooding in. That's the first time you're able to think about anything that day.

And so you just find yourself kind of overwhelmed with a lot of things. You might be thinking about like the to-do list for tomorrow or what you didn't get done today. Something that can be really helpful is to give yourself time earlier in the evening to just kind of sit down and make a plan for the next day.

Maybe just kind of have a little recap. Okay. What did I get done today? What do I need to do tomorrow? What am I going to do that? And just spend like five or 10 minutes with yourself, maybe like while you're cooking dinner or while the kids are watching a show or whatever you're doing in the evening before bedtime.

So your brain has some time to kind of process that through. And then if you're still struggling with anxiety at bedtime, there's some really great breathing techniques that can be really, really helpful. Would you like to try one with me and we can all do it together? 

So there's a breathing technique where if you breathe in for four counts, you hold for four counts, and then you breathe out for eight counts. What this does is it turns on the parasympathetic nervous system. And all that is, it's just the calming part of our nervous system.

So our nervous system functions to keep us alert and to keep us safe. And then this helps kind of calm it down so we can actually relax and go to sleep. So you want to try it together?.

Corinne Powell: Okay. 

Kyle Nelson: So we'll breathe in through our nose, hold it, breathe out of your mouth, long and slow for eight counts. Do you feel your shoulders relax? 

Corinne Powell: I don't know. It just feels good to do it. Anytime I breathe in the middle of the day, it just feels like. 

Kyle Nelson: So this is a great breathing to do like over and over again for about three to five minutes. That's when you'll really get the effects as opposed to just doing it once or twice. But what it does is it's just going to help your body calm down. And it's also really great if you just count your breaths while you're breathing, because then you're not thinking about those thoughts that are coming up in your mind.

Your mind is focused on something else, your body is relaxing, and then you can kind of get off to sleep. That can be really, really helpful. 

Corinne Powell: Cool. Thanks. 

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. I know. 

Corinne Powell: I think the, I'm sorry, go ahead. I stretch sometimes, like I'll do certain stretches before bed. Like I can incorporate the breathing in addition.

And it just, it feels like it'll be more of a complete like relaxational tool. And it's just a good thing for my body. Like when I stretch it at the end of a day, then it means how many times I have or haven't during the day.

At least I'm like taking that mindful step and saying, Oh, what does my body need right now? So I'm going to incorporate the breathing too. 

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. I love that.

And if you're, if you're doing this breathing, like outside of being in your bed, something that can be really helpful is to lay with your legs up against the wall, like an L and your back like flat on the floor. So like your, your bottom is like scooted up to the wall and your legs are flat up or on your back. And for whatever reason, this position tells your body that you're calm and you're safe.

And so it can make the breathing start to work faster too, just to help calm you down, which can be really powerful.

And then I think the other really, really big thing about sleep is the room that you're sleeping in. And so thinking about what is going on in that sleep environment, um, we want to make sure that it's dark. So that could look out, look like getting some blackout curtains.

Um, it could also look like I have this power strip in my room that has this bright blue light on it. And so I, I turn it off every night because what's plugged into it doesn't really matter, but if you can't turn it off, getting some black duct tape or something, and really going around and covering up those lights in your room that you see. Um, I know a lot of us will have a clock right where we can see it when we wake up.

And that can be really unhelpful if you're waking up all throughout the night as well, because it, it provides light in the room that you don't need, but then you also go into that cycle of, Oh my goodness, it's 2 AM. I only have this much longer to sleep. I'm exhausted.

And then that raises the stress levels and then you can't fall back asleep. Um, so that breathing can be really helpful then too, but just having, having something dark, having something quiet. So if you can maybe have a sound machine, if you have a lot of noise, um, if you're able to wear earplugs, like if the kids are older and that would be safe, cause they can come get you, you could wear earplugs.

Um, or you can just really look around your house and figuring out that I leave a TV on. Is there any noise what's happening? Um, that can be really helpful too. And then the last thing to think about is the temperature of the room.

So we really want the room to be like slightly chilled. So not super cold for your body. So you don't want it to be like freezing, but you don't want to be really warm either.

You want it to be where you need a blanket or something to help keep you, um, kind of cozy and warm while you're sleeping. So it's going to just help your body sleep better too. 

Corinne Powell: Okay. So do you incorporate these things regularly for yourself? 

Kyle Nelson: I do. Yes. If I ever forget to turn my power strip on off, when I go to bed, I wake up and I'm like, Oh no, it's on.

And I see it. I have to turn it off. And I know that that's what woke me up.

Um, but usually I, I also, a lot of times we'll sleep with an eye mask on to keep it dark because I tend to go to bed before my husband sometimes, and he might be up reading or doing something or turning on a light. So we can see when he comes into the bedroom. And so just finding a way to make it dark for you can be really important.

Um, and then our house is pretty quiet at night and my toddler still needs us sometimes at night and he can't get out of his room. So we don't use a sound machine or anything in here, but I do remember when he was a baby and we had his sound machine in here with us. We all slept so well because it was just so soothing to have that sound.

Corinne Powell: Hmm. Good, good to know. Yeah. I know people who use sound machines who, you know, swear by them I'm always interested in learning like what's helpful to the body. So yeah. 

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. Some other things that can be helpful to just like for falling asleep, um, it's trying like a meditation that you can listen to, or even, um, they have these things called sleep stories on like, I have them on my calm app. I know you can just search for them on YouTube or other places, but it's someone reading a story and this really calm voice and they have like this calm music behind it. So this is going to also be really helpful if you're a person whose mind kind of races at night, because it gives you something to focus on.

And then you can set a sleep timer for it. So it'll shut off on its own after a certain amount of time. And you can just turn it on and listen to it and just fall asleep.

Corinne Powll: Yeah. So question. Sometimes I will, I don't have the same nightly routine with my kids, but there'll be times where I like tell them some stories that I make up.

And then there's some typical things we do do before bed, but the nights when I like tell them those stories, it does seem like they go to sleep a lot more quickly and easily. Is that something that is known? Like, is there something to, is it just randomly that it works well for my kids? 

Kyle Nelson: The story time part? Yes. I don't know if there's something specific to the stories, but I do know that there, there is a lot of specific research about rituals before bedtime. So things that we do that show our body that it's time to go to sleep and those can be different for anyone. 

So if your kids have just associated stories with bedtime, then what that's doing is it's preparing their body for sleep. So that's why it's so important that we try to develop a small routine for ourselves.

Even if it's just making some tea, writing in a journal for five minutes, and then listening to a sleep story, like it doesn't have to be a big, long thing, but just a set of things that you do each night in order will teach your body, okay, I'm getting ready for bed now. Just like, just like a child. 

Corinne Nelson: I love it. That's good. Yeah. Good. I love more information and having tools and things to do to just enhance all parts of our life. So this has been super helpful. Thank you.

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. And I know I shared a lot of different tools. And so what I really encourage people to do is pick one or two that you want to try and start incorporating those into your routine.

It's not going to be helpful if you try to do all, I don't know how many different things I said, eight or 10 things at once, because that's too much. And so probably there was something that stuck out that you thought, oh man, maybe I should try that. Try that one for two weeks, see how it works.

If you want to add in something else after that, do that. And so it's not about being perfect or about doing it exactly like someone else. It's about finding what's going to work for you and your routine and your lifestyle and just who you are as a person.

Corinne Powell: Yes. Yes. And I feel like what you just said there at the end sums up what the energy that you carry through your Instagram account.

Like, I feel like you're always sending that message. You don't have to do it like somebody else, you know, good for you, try things out. And like you just said it there, but I do, I feel like that is you do such a good job at exuding that and giving people the freedom to just be who they are and see what works well for them.

And so I like, I second that. And, and the idea that we can't, we can try to incorporate a lot of things at once, but it's not going to be sustainable.

So one or two things of what you've said, and then I liked the idea, try it for two weeks, see if it works. You know, I'm kind of thinking for myself, taking an hour before bedtime to not have a screen around me or to just know, like, I'm not even, I'm just going to give myself that time where I don't have to be looking at any messages, doing any work and definitely the breathing. I know I want to try to incorporate that.

So you said, tell me again. 

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. So you breathe in for four counts, you hold for four counts, and then you breathe out for eight counts.

Corinne Powell: Yeah. Great. So in doing that for a few minutes is what you mean? 

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. Just like three to five minutes, you can just set a little timer and it'll really help. One way to know that it's started to work is you will actually feel like more saliva come into your mouth. So if you start to feel like you're salivating, you'll know that you've triggered that part of your nervous system.

So that can be really helpful just to know, oh, this is working now. 

Corinne Powell: Okay, good. Yeah.

Kyle Nelson: All right. A lot of it, I think, I think the only thing that, that can be really helpful is if you are really struggling with waking up at night, really focusing on how you're speaking to yourself whenever you wake up. So I know we said before about like, oh man, it's two o'clock, I'm exhausted. I'm not going to get any sleep. 

So if we can kind of flip that script and be more kinder and gentler and compassionate with ourselves and say things like, okay, I'm awake, but I'm resting my body. I'm closing my eyes.

I'm doing all that I can. I'm giving my body what it needs. I'm going to do my breathing.

If we can flip that around, that's going to stop our cortisol levels from rising so much and actually give us a better chance of going back to sleep. Because when we beat ourselves up, it just gets us really escalated. And then we have even a harder time and then we feel bad about ourselves.

Corinne Powell: Yes. Yes. Yeah. If I ever wake up at night, I am in a practice. So I think it's super helpful what you're saying, because like, I'll close my eyes and just lay there and not let myself really think about anything, you know, like more of that, like where I'm just mindlessly maybe laying there so that I can actually work with my body to help me fall asleep. So just laying there and closing my eyes, even if I take a nap, I do that, you know, instead of trying to like get myself up, I need to sleep.

I really needed a snap, just laying there, letting my eyes be shut. I mean, I do well with music. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but for my body, like, yeah, I do really well if there's music on.

And, and like one of my kids does too, but then two of them don't. So I know that like, if I put a song on before they go to sleep, I know I won't leave it going because it'll make it harder for a couple of my kids to fall asleep. But yeah, that idea that I'll just lay there even for a nap, close my eyes, if sleep comes, I'm grateful that sleep comes, but if it doesn't, then I rested and I lay there and I relaxed, but it's like a deliberate choice I've made to not fight for the sleep, but just to take advantage of I'm laying here, I'm resting and I'm shutting my eyes and just, you know, not letting my mind go to the to-do list or what's happening.

And I mean, it, I guess it's a deliberate effort, but with practice, I do feel like it becomes something that's easier to do. 

Kyle Nelson: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I think that's just like with any type of intentional practice. So with meditation, with journaling, with anything like that, it is a practice. So it's just something that we have to be mindful of and keep trying at.

And whenever it doesn't go exactly like we want, we just say, oh, well, I'm working on this. And then we try again the next time. 

Corinne Powell: Yes. Yes. All right. So if people want to find you on Instagram or elsewhere and follow you, because I think they should, whether they're a mom or not, but I know you specially, you know, speak to moms, how can they find you? 

Kyle Nelson: My Instagram is @fulfilledmotherhood.co and that's my website as well.

So yeah, that's where people can find me. I'm really active on Instagram. And then if you want to get in touch with me and my website or my Instagram DMs are a great way to do that.

Corinne Powell: All right. Well, thank you for being here today, Kylie. I've enjoyed it. Super informative. 

Kyle Nelson: So thank you so much for having me. 

Corinne Powell: I wanted to give you all a little follow-up. Since Kylie and I recorded this conversation, I started to cut back on my caffeine intake. If you didn't notice through the conversation, I'm one of those people who applies whatever it is that I hear. If there's something that I'm learning that I know I need to take action on this.

And so it began right after the conversation with Kylie that I cut back on how much coffee I was drinking within the day. Not necessarily the time of day, but the amount. And so I have noticed that it's been helpful to my body to have less caffeine during the day.

I still drink a couple cups, but it had become even more than that. And I was just unaware that I had upped my caffeine intake. There are other things that I have practiced and created change around since this conversation with Kylie.

But like we talked about during the episode, one change, making one incremental change at a time is going to be more beneficial than trying multiple things at once. It won't be so sustainable. So cutting back on my caffeine intake has been my one focus point.

And some of the other things that I have brought in have also been beneficial, but less of a focus. I hope that there's something that you take away from this episode that you too can bring about change within your daily life. 

[Ending] I want to close out today's episode by thanking you for being here with me.

I hope what you've heard has been helpful. If there's anything I've shared that you want to talk about in more depth, you can find me on Instagram ⁠@corinne_changeradically⁠. Or of course, you can go to my website, changeradically.com. There's other ways to contact me and you can find those ways in the show notes.

But for now, I wanted to ask you to please help me grow my podcast and reach others with this valuable content. You can help me do that by subscribing and rating and reviewing. Until we talk again next week, I'm wishing you the very best.