Cultivating Your Creative Expression with Mandy Adendorff

[Intro] Hello, welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm so glad you joined me today. I'm your host, Corinne Powell. I'm an intuitive mentor and I help people pleasers to find happiness, embrace courage, and experience peace of mind. 

But say you're not a people pleaser and you're desperate for change and not sure how to make it happen, then I'm here to help. In this space, you're going to find motivation to live a life full of joy and resilience.

We'll talk all things inner wellness. And because I'm a mom, we'll throw in some knock-knock jokes. Just kidding. We'll talk mom hacks and parenting sometimes. 

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Enjoy the episode. 

Corinne Powell: Today I have Mandy Ottendorf with me. She's an international artist, author, and a mother to many.

Her passion is to empower and release people into their dreams and callings. Creating is like breathing to Mandy. Whether it's painting on a canvas or making a mark on the human soul, her joy is to bring unseen possibilities into the world.

Mandy is the founder of the Firehouse Schools in Connecticut. Mandy and her husband Stuart immigrated from South Africa to the United States in 1998 and they settled in Connecticut where Mandy's ministry and art studio are based. They have two beautiful grown daughters who themselves are history makers.

And I am so happy to have you here with me, Mandy. And it's especially special for me because Mandy is not just a good friend. She's also a spiritual mentor to me and she has left quite a mark on my life.

So I resonate with even what she says in her bio because she's doing that and I felt the effect of it. So thank you, Mandy, for being here. 

Mandy Ottendorf: Oh, thank you. Thank you for having me, Corinne. This is so much fun. I'm so glad we could do this.

Corinne Powell: Yeah. And today I'm especially interested to hear when you are going into your studio to create and paint or whatever it is that you're about to create, what is some of the thoughts that you, the thoughts that you think, the mindset that you have as you're about to go in to create and then throughout the process. So that's what I am looking forward to hearing today.

Mandy Ottendorf: Okay, wow. That's a great question. I don't think anyone's ever asked that of me before. So I'm going to tell you the real things that I think before going to my studio. About the night before, I get really excited. So if I know that I have a studio day coming up, I have so much excitement and joy.

I really never have dread. I always have excitement. And I do just so you know, like I do plan these days. They're not just like, oh, I'm going to paint today, because I have such a busy schedule. But if I don't plan them, I don't get them. So I do plan a couple of days a week, which I put high priority on and I get very excited in the night before.

But and usually, you know, the day I'm very excited when I wake up in the morning, but something I will share with you is that when I walk into my studio, and I begin something new, I am terrified pretty much most of the time I have a mix of excitement, but fear. 

And, you know, I often have this experience where I approach my blank canvas, and I prepare everything I prepare the paints, I prepare the studio, you know, I get everything ready. And then when it's time to actually lift up the brush, or, you know, do something that is actually going to mark the canvas, I battle with really fear at that moment.

And and I usually I tend to I notice with myself when I battle with fear, I procrastinate. And so I will think, oh, gosh, I need another cup of tea, or I need to go eat something. Oh, yeah, I usually do that.

It's the process, you know, and, and then I just say, Okay, it's done, like, I have to start this. And once I am in the process, once I begin to actually make marks on that blank canvas, I begin to come into the flow generally. And once I'm in that flow, I time vanishes, I sometimes will be painting for hours, and I don't even know it.

And I don't get hungry, which is a big deal for me. But I have noticed, and it's just interesting, I'm sharing this, because I think that there are people listening who are creators themselves, whether it's painting or anything else in life, you know, I do believe in creativity in every sphere of our lives. So whatever it is, a lot of times, if we're starting something new, they can feel the sense of, oh, I'm so powerful, I'm powerful enough to ruin this.

Really, and so I'll have these beautiful big white canvases. And I'll think, oh, my gosh, like, it can be so beautiful. But if I do the wrong thing, it's going to ruin it.

And so it's, my process is a process of pushing through fear, into joy. And then as soon as there's a new problem, I have to push through it again. Because one of the things with creating, and I say to myself over and over again, I think, oh, why didn't they teach me this in school, is that I actually solve problems as a creator.

Like, that's basically what I do. So, for example, it's not like somebody will say, oh, my gosh, that's the most beautiful painting. Did you plan that? Did you plan that? Did you have that in your mind? And then it just kind of, you figured out all the steps to get it on the canvas? Well, yes, there is absolute planning in any creativity.

I really do believe there's planning in any creativity. And I think what happens in creativity is at the beginning, we may not need planning, you know, we kind of discover it and things. And then we take what we discover, and we actually create plans from it.

And we create almost like strategies that we can fill with different types of creativity. So, for example, I have a strategy that I've created around my art that I do, that I've invented. And I will use that same invention over and over again in my paintings, same type of template, but different creations.

And then, you know, there are times when I'll change that up, and I'll create a new template. But that, what I'm doing when I'm working, creating in that template is I'm solving problems. So, I'll be working, and suddenly I'm hit with a visual problem.

And there's no answer for the I have to create the answer. And that process of like creating something can feel painful and scary right through the process of painting. And I ebb from joy to fear, from joy to fear, literally every painting in my life.

I love, I have an overarching joy and excitement the whole time. But I do like to share this with all creators, because a lot of times, folks think creativity is so easy. And if I have a block, there's something wrong with me, or I need to just, you know, give up.

And really, I've not, I've really not made it acceptable for me to give up. Because I know that if I give up in the process, I will just not move forward. Because it is a life of solving problems. And it's a beautiful life. I actually think the human soul is created as a masterpiece. And that's all of the mistakes and imperfections in our lives and problems and real issues and things that are really dark.

When we submit them to the creator, and we co-create with God, I actually believe that's how the masterpiece is created in our lives. Because all of those mistakes and problems, like he actually makes into something beautiful, when we don't give up, you know, when we like we continue on the process. And so that's really what my art is.

And so a lot of times my most beautiful paintings are the ones that if you could see the layers underneath the painting, of all the mistakes and the marks that were wrong, but every time I cover it, that mark shows through in a different kind of shade or way. And then it looks beautiful. And so what I've learned is, don't give up, like don't give up as you create.

Because if that is the process, it's not always like skipping through the park, like it's always glorious and beautiful and filled with so much expectation and hope. But there is definitely fear and joy that fight against each other. You know, so yeah, I'll just, I'll take a breather from there to see if there's something that you want to ask about that.

But that's like basically the way it works with me. 

Corinne Powell: Okay, I love it because that's so real. I totally can identify with the idea that you feel excitement, but then there's apprehension, there's fear, and you pause and you delay, and then you get into it, and then you get lost in it, because you do so love it.

And I feel like that is, that's true. Like that's exactly my experience. I'm sure many other people can relate to it. But if they were to see what comes of your work, your paintings are magnificent. And if you never went in and said, okay, I feel the fear, but I'm going to think about what will come. Because you know, you know that there's more to it than just the fear.

You know what's coming. And I think stepping over that hurdle to just start, to just start is key. And I love that you talk about making a mistake, if you want to call it that, and then going over it again, and it shows up differently.

And you don't start from scratch again. You know, I'm thinking, you know, wow, there's times when I just throw something out. And there's times when that's probably appropriate.

But I like that something new comes from it, because of the layers, because of what you make happen from maybe what seems like it wasn't supposed to be. And even as I think about life, there is so much potential when things do not go as planned, as we hope, to actually be able to still make something that's magnificent, and that will be what it wouldn't otherwise, if we hadn't had the difficulty preceding. 

Yeah, just life is life and goodness. It's just so amazing to me that we, we can make something beautiful out of what otherwise would have been thrown out. 

Mandy Adendorff: Yes, wow. Absolutely. I will say something about, you know, the layers. It's interesting, because a lot of times, I will look at my paintings, and I will think to myself, I could never have done this in the first layer.

Like, you know, that's always like the hope of every artist, especially of me, because I like to get things done quickly. I love quick creating. But I realized more and more that the first layer is very bland, on its own, and that it needs a build up of other things that happen.

And it's not saying that, that, you know, I don't know if you can always appropriate this to life. But I think we can, I think really, what it looks like is, you know, all of all of life, the good, the bad, the ugly, that happens, you know, when we choose to, to layer it with, with, with just pressing in, because that's really what art is, you know, for me, like, I just keep, I just keep moving forward, like, I just cannot stop and move back, then, then something really magnificent does emerge. And, and it is truly amazing, Corinne, because I do look at some of my paintings and think to myself, I know people look at this and think, wow, she must have a technique to get that or that.

And I'm thinking, no, I don't, I just make a mistake. And I figure out a way of correcting it and changing it. And, and look at what happens, you know, and yeah.

Corinne Powell: Wow, that's awesome. Thank you for giving us a, you know, window in. 

Mandy Adendorff: Yeah, you're welcome.

Corinne Powell: I'm also curious, what you feel or think, even if there's like sensations you feel in your body, if you're connected with your body, is because these are, again, like, these are ways that I help people to discover more about themselves. Like when you're walking through something, what's what are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are sensations experience in your body? And when you look at your finished product, what are the thoughts, the feelings that you experience? 

Mandy Adendorff: Wow, such a good question. You've got these great questions. No one's asked me these things before. Well, I do think the body doesn't laugh physically. And I've noticed with myself, I express myself with my body.

And I dance, I dance a lot. So I don't dance like I'm planned or anything. I pretty much probably dance like a two year old would be jumping around when they get a gift kind of dance.

And so when I look at a painting that finishes, I do, I tend to just dance in my studio. And just, yeah, smile. And I'm actually as I'm doing this, I'm looking into my studio, and just smiling at one of my paintings, I'm smiling at it, it just, it's just natural.

I just I have joy. So I feel like I, you know, feeling in my body, just joy, I have no, yeah, joy and lightness. And yeah, pretty much, you know, the other thing I will say about feeling in my body as I'm creating.

So when I'm finished, I'm always so joyful and dancing, I do dance throughout the process, as well at times. I do often put the brush down, and literally dance in my studio. I have to I don't do it because I think, oh, like, I know, you know, it's time to dance, I actually just have to, it's, it's an expression of my joy at times.

And victory, when I have victory, I also dance. And when I feel like I got that, I killed that one, I figured that one out, you know. But I will say that I noticed when I'm going through those moments of pressing through a problem solving issue, a lot of times, I will feel anxious in my body.

And that's actually how I know, I read myself sometimes through my body, like, because I may actually still have like a very strong sense of peace, but my body will feel anxious as I'm walking through a problem solving something. And and then I just it, it makes me just realize, okay, I need to relax right now I need to relax because I can feel my body. And the way that I feel my anxiety, probably in the last, you know, since I turned like, I don't know, 45, the last many years, I, if I'm anxious, I feel a little bit warm.

Suddenly, it's not I wouldn't say it's a hot flash. But I just suddenly just feel warm. And I realized, okay, that's not a good warm. That's, that's an anxious warm. And so then it makes me relax. And so I've learned to listen to my body.

And then, you know, intentionally, relax, come into peace. Because, you know, we put pressure on ourselves as creators to, to make something perfect sometimes. Or even if it's a problem solving that isn't too perfect, we just have to address a problem, you know, they, they can be that natural anxiety, and then just to like, bring your peace back.

That's what I do by reading my body. So yeah, pretty much the body stuff that happens. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah, that's, that's awesome.

I love that you celebrate throughout the process, you release your joy, you feel it intensely, you release it through the dancing. That's amazing. I'm thinking, wow, you make celebration so much of I'm gonna take I'm learning from this, because I think about like, when I'm creating a new program, and it's all like, okay, I'm focused.

And then what do I do either as I'm in process, working through it, or even at the completion of it? Am I celebrating what just happened? Am I actually feeling the satisfaction and feeling the joy? And oftentimes, I realized, no, I'm not. So thank you for like, just letting us see in again, because that's so powerful to, I think, even knowing I'm a feeler, like thinking about in the room, even for the canvas. And for what you're creating, as you dance, as you celebrate, and you feel the joy and release the joy.

I think the canvas knows, you know, like, there's just so much, you're the vibration in the room, you're releasing so much goodness and life and light to that space. And then that's even going to help you as you're there creating. So wow.

Mandy Adendorff: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's, it's a, it really is like a harmonious experience, the creating, it's not linear, it feels like there's different facets and being able to express myself, enjoy with my body, you know, as I rejoice through the process.

And I listen to music as well, like I have a lot of different things happening. Sometimes I like stillness, and I don't have a sound. But I do feel like there's so many components.

It's not just a skill that you try and increase as you create, it's, you're using so many parts of yourself. And the more I found I engage in those areas, and I don't try and make it a linear experience, the more successful the product is, but also the more amazing the process is, which is, is the is the maybe the best part, you know? 

Corinne Powell: Right, right. Yeah. Because the finished product is one thing, but you're the person who walks through the process. So how you walk through the process matters so much. So yeah, wow.

That's great. So as you look at your finished product, and you talk about the joy that you feel, the, the way that you go about dancing and expressing your joy, do you ever battle the imposter, like the critic in your head, that would have you look at the painting and see some sort of flaw, if we can call it that? 

Mandy Adendorff: Yes, that's a great question. I do.

I don't battle that imposter that much anymore, which is interesting, because I haven't realized that until you asked that question. I know I used to battle it a lot more before in prior days. And I think sometimes when I look at some of my earlier work, maybe that comes up as well.

But I'll tell you what I do when I do battle that is I will, I know, I know what to do, you know, I have figured out what to do. And I do it, which is I leave the space, I give my eyes a break, I stop looking. Because I think what happens is when you look at something so long, you, you naturally want to criticize it, it's just natural.

And so what I do is I'll move away from that painting for maybe a day, or maybe just go get grab a cup of tea or something. But like recently, it actually just happened, maybe two weeks ago, I finished a painting, and I looked at it, I was a little bit disappointed with part of it. And I thought to myself, should I keep working on it, but I knew that I wasn't in the frame of mind to work on it.

And I felt like this, maybe it's finished, maybe it's not. So I knew I had to let it go and leave it. So I left it.

And when I came back about two days later, I thought, oh, it's not too bad. And then I came back about a week later. And I was like, wow, that's magnificent.

And so I actually had to stop looking. Because when we look at something for too long, we get used to it, we actually lose our ability to, to see what's really going on, because we get overly focused on details. And so that's with any type of creativity, I think it's super important to actually move away from it.

And stop looking for a while when we feel that feeling of the imposter come in. And we start over criticizing, you know?. So that's, that's basically, I mean, I, you know, in the earlier days, the imposter would cause so much shame.

And actually, you know, about 18 years ago, I remember painting a painting, and it was a milestone for me, because I painted this painting. And I entered it in a show. And I entered it in the show, because I really loved my painting.

But I knew that maybe it wasn't the best technically, but I still there was something about it that I loved so much that I entered it in a show. And I remember bringing it into the gallery. And, you know, putting it down among all the other paintings.

And when I put it down, and I saw it next to all the other paintings, my heart just sank. And I wanted to just run away. And so I remember just actually turning the painting around so nobody would see it.

So that when the people came to hang it, they'd see it. But I didn't want anybody else to see it. I just didn't want it in the presence of all the other work, because I felt like it was so shameful.

And what happened with that, that piece of work was it was rejected from the show, which is absolutely normal in the art world to have work rejected. It's not anything bad. It's, you know, obviously, we learn from those things.

But what I did, though, was not a good thing. Because what I did was I took the piece, and I hid it. I don't know where I hid it.

I just hid it somewhere in the house. I never wanted to see it again. Because it was painful for me, because it reminded me that I wasn't as good as I wanted to be.

That's what it reminded me of when I saw it with everyone else's. And that I had a lot of growth in my life that was necessary in my field. And so instead of like, you know, just, you know, receiving my receiving where I was, and the progress that I've made, and all the amazingness and not comparing myself, I actually let it shut me down.

And so I actually hid that. And I don't even know if I painted for a while, I can't remember. But a good friend came to visit me.

He's actually a real mentor in my life, an elder gentleman that I've known for many years. And he is in a way like a father to me, a spiritual father. And he came to my home and visited, and he asked to see my art.

And I don't know why, but I pulled it out to show him. And he absolutely loved it so much. And I said to him, well, if you like it, you can have it, you know, as if, well, I want to get rid of it anyway, someone likes it.

And so he ended up hanging this piece of art in a very prominent place that many people would see, which actually caused a lot of shame for me. But it made me face it, it made me face that it was beautiful, even though it wasn't perfect. And what happened was that piece of art became one of my best selling prints.

And people have loved it and requested it from many places in the world. And the crazy thing is, I really tried to hide it and throw it away. So that was a huge lesson on the imposter of like, you know, just accepting the space you're in.

And sometimes it's not what we want. But we've created something that is still beautiful. And it doesn't have to always be perfect to be beautiful.

It doesn't have to meet the level of, you know, some others expectation, not to say we're not going to grow in our craft. But yeah, interesting experience for me. 

Corinne Powell: Yes, wow. That's, I mean, I have tears in my eyes, because that is so powerful to hear how you had hidden it, which I totally understand. You know, I understand the feelings and the reasons why. And yet somebody said, I want to see your work, you were willing to show that piece.

And then what that person saw was different. And I feel like it's, it's, so I, my heart has so much to say to that. But let me try to articulate it.

So first off, I'm often talking about creating, cultivating self-compassion, because self-compassion would look and sound like, oh, so this work isn't as good as everyone else's, it's rejected. And that makes sense for the reasons why. But I can still look at this and say, I'm in process.

And this is a reflection of part of my process, right? So painting or anything, inner healing, it doesn't matter what it is, right? We're in process. And we can't get to where we're going to be without the process. And then allowing people in that will see the beauty within us.

So taking it home, you know, off of the painting, but allowing people in that say, hey, I see you're in process, but I'm okay with that. I embrace you for where you're at. And actually by allowing their love in, their love changes us.

So we become somebody we couldn't have otherwise been without opening our heart up to their love. So that's just so impactful that you let this man who was so special to you see the painting, and then he saw it through a different lens. And then he puts it in this prominent place, and it becomes a painting that so many people want.

And if you hadn't allowed yourself to pull it out, all of that wouldn't have come to be, perhaps. And so my encouragement to everyone listening is allow one safe person in, start with just one safe person, but allow them to see you where you're at and to love you where you're at.

And allow their love to change you because we aren't meant to live life alone. We aren't meant to live life isolated. And I recognize that pain and traumas and previous rejection can mean we want to close our heart.

But by closing our heart to everybody, we keep ourselves in the place of shame and loneliness even longer. 

Mandy Adendorff: That is very powerful. Yes, that is so powerful, Corinne.

I'm just amazed at just looking back, you know, just looking back and realizing how important it was for me. I've never thought this through like you just said, but just how important it was for me to show it to him. And yes, I'm amazed that I actually did that.

What a wonderful encouragement for all of us to have a safe person that we can show our creations to even when they're not, we don't like them or we're not sure of them. Wow. Thank you for that, Corinne.

Corinne Powell: Yeah. Well, and Mandy, thank you for being one of those people in my life. You have always been before I knew you well.

And as I've gotten to know you more, you've always been a safe person. You've always been somebody that accepted me where I was at, that celebrated, not just accepted, you've celebrated me where I've been at. And you have definitely been one of the people in my life who has allowed me to move through my process and allowed me to move through my process more easily and more quickly because your love and your acceptance empowered me. I'm not somebody who ever wants to sit there and say, okay, I'm not going to move forward.

I always want everything that I can get, but I'm able to run after that more comfortably when I'm loved in the process. So thank you.

Mandy Adendorff: Wow. Oh, you're so welcome. It's been such an honor to know you, Corinne, and your amazing journey. Yeah. Wow. A lot of times we value what other people create, but we devalue sometimes what we create only because when we get to the root of it, sometimes we don't believe that something magnificent can come of our lives, whether it's a painting or not even in the arts.

I mean, we all know arts are creative, creativity is in the arts and music and all the cultural things, but even in other areas of life of just structures, being a parent with creative, interesting ideas, it's so wide as the areas of creativity, but sometimes we don't value that we can create something new because it's from our own hands and our own lives. 

And it really just stems from not really valuing who we are enough. And I do think that's part of the journey of creating for anyone is just learning to really understand, wow, I have been entrusted with a gift to create and I am loved and trusted with this gift.

And so whatever I create is beautiful. And honestly, this is the craziest thing, Corinne, what's happened in my journey is I will put a brushstroke on a piece of paper, I will just put a plain one-color brushstroke and I'll look at it and think, oh, that is so beautiful. You can't do it wrong.

It's so beautiful. Just a mark on a canvas is beautiful. And so the more we grow into that, it doesn't always happen with me, but a lot of times I will just say, wow, that's beautiful. I didn't need any skill for that. I just did it. And it was, it just is beautiful.

Just making this art is beautiful. And so it is with, as we create in life to just recognize the moments when it's beautiful, just for what it is, you can't sell that moment. Maybe nobody else would recognize it, but we just say, wow, that is beautiful.

And when we start to really recognize the beautiful moments, we start to really grow in the value for what we can create and the confidence increases. And, and, you know, I think anybody listening will understand that confidence is so important when we create, and it only grows as we recognize the value that we add, as we begin to create in small moments that culminate in creations that we create. So I think that's pretty much, yeah, what I want to share about that.

And I'd love to, I hope that encourages some folks to step into some, step into your gifts and, you know, do, do the things that you desire to do. 

Corinne Powell: Yes. Where can everybody listening find you or find your painting? 

Mandy Adendorff: Well, I have an online gallery at mandyadendorf.com. And I also have my Instagram, which is @mandyadendorfstudio.

And then my Facebook page, I think it's mandyadendorfstudio as well. Yes. You can even sign up for newsletters on my online gallery website.

So super looking forward to that. Yeah. Thank you.

Corinne Powell: Yes. And I will put that information in the show notes so that it's easily accessible for everybody that did not write that down.

Mandy Adendorff:  Awesome. Thank you so much. 

Corinne Powell: Yeah. Thank you, Mandy. I so appreciated you being here. 

[Ending] Here we are. We've made it to the end.

What'd you think about what you heard today? Is there something you heard that you know you need to take action on? I'm one of those people who loves to not just sit and hear something, but to sit in here and then go ahead and start implementing, taking action on what I hear, what was stirred up in me. And I encourage you to do the same. If you enjoyed today's episode, or perhaps you heard an episode in the past that really stuck with you, would you go ahead and share that with some of your friends and your family? It would mean so much to me.

And also, if you want to connect with me, remember, you can always find me throughout the week on Instagram, I'm ⁠@corinne_changeradically⁠. Or you can email me anytime. corinne@changeradically.com. I'd love to be in touch. And if there's any way that I can help you, please seek me out. 

Until we speak again next week, I hope that you will remember in the moments that are loud and busy, and in the moments that are quiet and still, that who you are is super important. You are valuable. And I am so glad that you're alive.