How does religion affect parenting?

[Intro] Hello, and welcome to my podcast, Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host, Corinne Powell, and I'm the owner of Change Radically.

In this space, we'll talk all things inner wellness, and parenting will certainly come up too, because I'm a mom to four kids, so parenting is a huge part of my life.

This space is designed for safety. Your inner child is welcome. Your past self is invited to listen as well. And no matter what type of day you're having, I want you to know I'm glad to be with you.

I live out of vulnerability and transparency, so come and be. Be yourself. Be messy. Invite a friend, and please stay a while.

Keep coming back. I want you around. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

—

As always, I am so glad to be here with you. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule to be with me. I don't take it for granted that you choose to tune in to Empowered to Thrive when you have many choices. And today, we're going to talk, as I promised last week, about conscious parenting and how that relates to your faith practices.

If you have been tuning in, you know that the last few weeks I've been talking about deconstructing religion, how to show up authentically in your place of worship, and how religious trauma shows up, how sometimes it manifests. And I share a bit about my own story in these various episodes. And I also continue to ask you to reflect. 

No matter if you come from a faith background or not, reflect on how you live.  Are you able to live authentically? Are you comfortable living as your authentic self in all the places that you go? And if not, get curious about why that might be. 

But today, this episode, yes, is for those of you that have children, but it's also a time for us to reflect on how we were raised because what was modeled is impacting us still. 

When it comes to conscious parenting and faith practices, I think it's really important that we allow ourselves to have permission to do it differently than our parents or the others that we respect are doing. It's easy to compare. It's easy to allow judgment to come in the way.

And as much as I understand that's natural, it can become a detriment to each of us parenting our children in our own way. And that's not to say that we're not going to receive insight and feedback and support from the way others have done it or are doing it. All of that's great.

But when it comes down to it, who makes the decisions for your children? And are you happy about whoever it is that's making that final decision? Because you might be the parent, but that may not mean you're making the final decision. Consider the different authorities that are in place, whether that's educationally, medically, religiously, or otherwise. You're the one who is responsible for your children.

In the end, you're the one who should be able to get to make the final decisions for your kids. I think it's important to bring our children into the conversations when it comes to practicing one's faith. The beliefs that you have are not necessarily the ones of your children.

They're going to learn what's modeled to them. So whatever you practice in front of them will be affecting them. And I think that's meant to, let's let that land with us.

Because what's most important in all of life is what is modeled. So if you're modeling something, then it's going to impact. So trying to get your children to do the things that you think are important regarding your religion or faith is not going to actually be as effective as simply modeling to them what you hope that they will one day model as well.

What are you doing behind closed doors? How do you show up? Because that's a big deal. You are not going to raise children who respect you if they see you practice your faith in public a certain way and behind closed doors, you are completely different. If that's where you're at, plop yourself on the ground and take a hard look at what's been going on. As much as that happens, that's never been the point of religion or faith.

We've gotten so far off course when we show up to a place of worship and we act a certain way. And at home, we're completely different. That is where the grief and the heartache should naturally come in.

When we recognize that we are not being authentic and there are children watching us, and authenticity matters always, but it especially matters to children. They're discerning. They're smart. You can fool a lot of people. You can't fool children in the same way. 

So bring your kids into the conversation about the ways you go about practicing your faith and your beliefs. If you go to a place of worship regularly and your children don't want to go, have conversations about that. Why is it that they don't want to go? Why is it that you feel they need to go if that's the case? Check in with each other. Allow there to be dialogue.

This is important in all parts of life. And it's not easy. I don't sit here saying it's easy to figure this out.

It's not. But there's a lot of elements to parenting and conscious parenting that aren't easy. Life in general and parenting in general isn't a piece of cake.

So doing it intentionally might feel a little bit more difficult, but in the end, the payoff is greater. You create a bond and a connection with your kids. That's worth it.

So talking through, remembering they have their own autonomy, that doesn't mean you aren't there to guide them. I get it. You are there to guide them.

You have been placed in their life to help them navigate the road. But check in with yourself because navigating with a mindset that says, “I know it all, I've got this”, is different than navigating saying, “You know what? There's things I'm still learning along the way”. And mic drop, our kids are able to teach us things as well.

We are able to learn from our children. But if we don't believe we are, we won't. We won't open ourselves up to that idea. We won't open our hearts and our minds up to our children. We won't even give them place to talk and have a say. So reflect on how you've been going about it and just consider the things I'm suggesting.

I know I'm just one voice. I know I'm just, I'm a mom. I'm a mom sharing what feels important to me to share on this topic.

I am not the end-all be-all, and I don't sit here saying that I am. But I do think we each learn from each other. And so there's something you can pull from what I'm saying that's going to be helpful to you.

And if you've got things to share, if you have input you want to give, I'm open to that. Tell me, how has it been going for you? What tips do you have about practicing your faith in a way that involves your children, but that doesn't feel oppressive to them? What have you done creatively that's allowed them to be interested and given them the space to think freely and to not conclude that I'm just practicing what's important to my parents? It's okay to do things because it's important to someone else. But when we live out our life and that's the only reason why we're being told to do something that's detrimental and toxic, if I do things because I care about someone and I do the things that are important to them, that's beautiful.

But if I actually focus my entire life, my lifestyle on making sure they're happy and on doing the things that they appreciate, now I've lost my own autonomy, my individuality. And I'm certainly going to be inauthentic in certain ways, not purposely, but because I've not even figured out what's important to me. I'm only focusing on what's important to someone else.

That's how it can be. Between us and our children, if we're not aware. Some of you listening, your religious beliefs, your spiritual practices may be extremely important to you.

I respect that. I understand you might feel like there's no space for giving your children permission to do otherwise. I'm not sitting here trying to persuade you.

I just ask that you listen with an open heart. To the things that I've said and just ponder them. That's all. I really appreciate your willingness to do that. It's a beautiful thing. 

And that's why it's so important to be a conscious parent and to model for the others that are younger around you a different way than perhaps was modeled for you. Now the scenario might be that you had fabulous parents. I know we all had, many of us, I shouldn't say we all, many of us have parents who were doing the best they could, the best they knew how. 

And we could call them fabulous parents for that reason, but it doesn't negate the fact that we were impacted by the trauma that was unresolved for them. We were impacted by the ways they were parented. And we may have a deficit because of that.

I am a firm believer that if you feel like you have a deficit, if you feel like there are ways that you've been disempowered, that there is always the potential for healing, there is always the potential to recover from what has happened in the past. That's where the power comes in. We actually have choice. There is something we can do about what has happened to us. 

It is difficult, it is painful, but isn't life in general? And the trade with doing the inner work is that you get to experience the joys and the beauty of life. You're not just feeling the effects of the trauma. You're also feeling the effects of healing.

So conscious parenting, what even is that? Conscious parenting is living mindfully and noticing ourselves as we interact with our children. Even if you consider conscious living, same thing. It's living mindfully and observing, witnessing yourself as you live, as you interact, noticing. Hmm, and getting curious.

And this is a journey. So there's going to be ways you already are doing this and new ways that you're going to discover how to do this as you go forward.

Why conscious parenting and conscious living are so difficult is because we have our conditioned patterns. We have the ways of thinking, the limiting beliefs that we're living from. And until we become aware, we don't even know. We don't recognize what's limiting us. We don't notice what some of our patterns are, that aren't supportive and we aren't always able to see the ways that our actions or lack thereof impact others.

So let me just say right here before we move any further, that for all the ways that you feel like you haven't done a good enough job, the shame you might place on yourself, the guilt you might place on yourself, let's for this next little while put that to the side and let's just listen from our heart because if you're here and you wanna do differently, then there is hope that a lot can change. It also says to me, it reveals to me about your heart, that you have a heart that cares, that in many ways, I bet you've been doing the best you know how.

And that means something. Because none of us are going to parent perfectly. The goal isn't even perfection. Let's just try to do good enough. That would be fabulous. I know that there are many ways I don't parent my children in an ideal way. But I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I know how. And the more I grow and develop and the more I learn and the more I heal, I will parent differently. And I exercise the practice of having compassion on my past self. The versions of me from 12 years ago, from five years ago, the way she parented is different than how I go about it today. And I recognize that's okay.

I'm learning as I go. There are ways that I judged other people in the past for how they parented and now I parent in those same ways. And the thing about that is that's how judgment works. It seems like it's for the best. And as we go, we might realize, oof. That wasn't serving me. That was harming my relationships. It was a means of protecting myself or a means of feeling more comfortable. For a part of us, it's probably just us living in our conditioned patterns and living how it was modeled to us. 

I was very familiar with the judgment, the criticism, the shaming. And so I dished it out, just like it had been dished out to me. And I've learned over time that it's okay to be different. It's okay to live authentic to me, even if it means my parents or other people that I grew up respecting, people that were close to me disagree. That's okay. I've had to come to terms with that. We each have to come to terms with that in our own time. It's a very liberating space to be. I've had to say, I've had to apologize and say, hey, I'm sorry. For the ways I interacted, for the things I said, for the judgment I passed.

There's something freeing in that too. It doesn't mean everyone's gonna like me. And I've had to come to terms with that as well. Because I'm learning that what's most important is that I like myself. And over time, I'm learning more and more that who I truly like is the most authentic version. That's who I like most is the authentic version of Corinne. 

The one that learned to hide, the one that learned to stay out of the limelight, to avoid the critic, to avoid the judge, to avoid the voice of shame. And I've been able to welcome her close and say, it's all right, I like who you are. I'm comfortable with how you show up. I see your heart. And it's such a beautiful heart.  We need what you have to offer. And as much as I tell that to my inner child and I tell that to myself, those words are meant for you as well.

I like who you are. And you might say, but Corinne, you don't even know who I am. So to that I say, try me. There's a lot of people for the thousands of people that have shared their stories with me, that have told me the things that have been shameful to them, the things that they've kept hidden, that nobody else knew about. When I hear the truth, I only grow to love someone more. It actually helps me to see them for who they authentically are, and it helps me to understand them more, which allows more love in. If I didn't like someone previously, I feel differently about them once I've learned the truth. 

I actually feel more warmth towards them. I like them more because I understand, oh, that's why you were showing up the way you were. Because of this wound, this heart wound, because of this fear. And this isn't something that might ever get talked about out loud. But as I hear their story, I consider for myself how I perceived them previously and I have a new understanding of now why they were interacting and showing up the ways they were. 

And with that understanding, I feel more empathy. I have more warmth towards them. So I like who you are. You can trust me on that or you can say, prove it. And in that set up a discovery call, set up a one -on -one session so that you can feel that proof. We need you to be your authentic self. Who you are is good. You deserve to get to be you.

Notice for yourself as you hear those words, as you receive those messages, I guess the first question is, are you even receiving the message? Because there's a reason if you're not allowing yourself to receive that message, if you're not, if you're cutting, you know, you're hearing it, but you're not letting it penetrate your heart, there's a reason for that. 

But as you hear that message, and if you receive that message, what do you notice in your body? Are there sensations that you're feeling? That you notice? Let's just get more familiar, become a little more mindful about what's going on on the surface and below the surface. I'm inviting you to practice the things we're talking about in the middle of listening to this episode.

So conscious parenting is a byproduct of conscious living, living mindfully, becoming more aware of ourselves, the way others experience us, the way we experience ourselves getting more curious so that we have a deeper understanding of why we are living the way we are, what are our patterns, how are those impacting us and the others that are around us. 

Conscious parenting, conscious living involves repair. Oh my goodness, I realized that the way I just interacted could have been different. Let me own my actions. Let me...

Validate the other person's experience. Let me apologize. Sometimes we use the phrase, let's clean up our mess. There's no shame in making a mess. It happens. Milk gets spilled. Food gets dropped. Messes happen all the time. There's no issue with a mess happening. I've got no issue with a mess happening. I recognize it's a big part of living, but what am I gonna do about the mess made?

Remember, a mess isn't a bad thing. So if I was feeling dysregulated and I hurried my kids out the door and they felt so rushed and they felt my tension, what can I do about that later? Or if I yell, I scream, I do other things that I regret, what can I do about that to repair? What can I do to own my part of this situation and share from my heart, with the little ones around me, with the people around me.

What can I do to ask them, how was that for you when you were feeling rushed because of my fear, because of my anxiety? How was that for you? And just owning, I'm sorry, I didn't actually have to rush us. I was feeling anxious and nervous, but you know what? I realized it would have been fine if we were late, or it is fine that we're late.

I'm learning to go about this differently. And I'm sorry that you have to feel the effect but I care about you and I want to acknowledge my part and it wasn't your fault that we were running late or that it wasn't your fault that I was feeling anxious. Cause maybe they were the reason you were running late. Maybe they were delaying. So we don't have to like create a narrative that's untrue, but they aren't the reason you feel anxious.

See, that's the thing. We often feel the feelings we have because of the stories in our head, because of our past experiences. So if I feel anxious and afraid as I'm realizing we're running late, we need to get out the door. It's rooted in the past experiences of being the little girl that I once was, having parents feeling rushed by them getting out the door, feeling their anxiety, hearing the tension and the screaming. 

It's because of the stories I have in my head that it's not okay to be late, that it's inappropriate to be late, that people will think this or that or the other thing about me if I'm late? They're stories that we are believing. What are those stories? There's experiences that we've had that are impacting us. What are those experiences? I ask these questions not for you to have to figure it all out. I bring them up because naturally as you're hearing me talk about all this and as you're sitting with it, next day down the road, things are gonna come to you, and there's food for thought here.

You can do as much or as little as you want with this. But if you want to do a lot with it, there is a lot here. First step I would suggest is simply noticing yourself, observing how you're interacting and noticing the ways that you feel in your body, the emotions, the sensations, and even the thoughts you have.

That noticing piece, that mindful piece is key. As that becomes really familiar and comfortable for you or at least a pattern. Sometimes patterns aren't comfortable, but we at least are doing them Sometimes we go to the gym we work out. It's not comfortable right, but once we get into it. We're like I don't remember why I'm here, okay I'm happy that I'm doing this right? And then It's choosing more deliberately the interactions. The thoughts.

Allowing the sensations to move through us and helping them to be discharged and the repair piece. “Oh, I just screamed and I didn't want to”. “Oh, I just rushed us and I realized I didn't need to worry about being late”. Again, I'm not saying there's never instance to worry about being or to do, you know, I'm not saying that we should always be late. Like hear my heart. It's not what I'm saying by this. There's something bigger to all that I'm saying. Okay. So whenever I'm speaking, there's so much more to the specifics.

Don't pin my words to the wall. Hear my heart. If I could encourage us to do anything, it would be that. Let's not pin each other based off of our exact words. Let's hear the heart. And if we have questions about what did you mean by what you said, then ask instead of presuming and jumping to conclusions. 

So I hope that this feels informational but also helpful that you will be able to do something practical with what you're hearing, because it's always my goal that we not just talk, but that we actually apply. So what is the one thing standing out to you today?

What's the one thing resonating with your heart that you're like, yeah, that's what I'm gonna start to focus on. And then just focus on that one thing. Don't get overwhelmed by all the things I said. And also, I'm feeling what's highlighted to me is this idea that we all should journal a little bit. Whether that's by pulling out your notes app on your phone or getting a piece of paper and a pen. Whether that's, you know, using some other resource, journal.

Voice it out in a voice text if that's the way you do it. Talk about it with a friend. Do something to be able to journal based off of this conversation.

And next week, what you have to look forward to is some conversations that I actually had with my children and they're going to talk with us. And it's a special time because it's always great to hear a child's perspective. I also love the fact that it opens up the space to allow other children to feel comfortable to talk with their grownups and...

It's important, it's really important we invite the little kids in our lives and the bigger kids in our lives, the grownups in our lives to have a safe space to be able to come and to be able to share. So you have that to look forward to. And until next week, I want to remind you that I'm so glad, so glad that you're alive. Who you are is good. There is purpose in your life.

Stay around and come on back here next week.

[Ending] Well, we've come to the end of another episode. Sit back and reflect about what you heard.  What’s the one thing you can resonate with you that you can take away and do something with? 

Let’s not just listen, let’s listen and take action. Now, action may look very different for us but it’s doing something with what we hear. I hope that you will share today’s episode with a friend you think would also enjoy it and please come back next week. 

I hope that you have a fabulous week and that you remember when you pillow your head at night, when you are going through your days, that who you are is good and I am so glad that you're alive.