Dear Self

Unresolved trauma and pain doesn’t just go away. Even if I try to push it down it comes back up again. It’s my chance to finally look at it, feel it, and grieve. If I choose to do that it might finally settle.

As I’ve walked through these past few weeks, my husband’s accident, hospital stay and the weeks of recovery, thoughts and emotions have surfaced that left me feeling angry, overwhelmed and lonely. Much of what I was feeling was rooted in my past experiences and the underlying beliefs I formed around them. I want to be intentional to walk through this time allowing my past to come in the way of my present, so that I can finally grieve and acknowledge what my body has been holding onto for a long time.

Familiar emotions and old beliefs popped up and I felt indignation… toward those who, in the past, weren’t what I needed them to be. Sadness and anger surfaced toward those who just don’t get it! I’ve felt heartache for what should’ve been years ago.

In the last several months I’ve had to grieve great loss. I’ve been willing to acknowledge things that I never considered a loss before. Things like my sense of self, my teenage years, my stability, my freedom, my strength, my sense of safety.

I’ve had to be true to myself. I’ve had to nurture myself through the moments when I feel intense sadness, depression and despair. I’ve had to remind myself that it’s all OK to feel; it’s allowed to come out. My body needs to release the grief, and I’ll be better off for it!

I’ve heard myself say how proud I am of you Corinne.. you’re willing to walk through this situation with beauty and strength. I’ve welcomed the voice of love. I have allowed myself to be weak when I knew I could be strong. I’ve let myself cry when I knew I could hold it back. I’ve given myself permission to feel sadness in moments when I could’ve pushed through and blocked it.

Instead of barricading what doesn’t feel comfortable, I’ve opened up myself and allowed every emotion, comfortable or not, to be present. No, it’s not always easy. But I’m convinced it’s worth it! My purposeful living will get me where I want to go.

I am determined to walk through my current events differently than I walked through my past experiences. I will choose to say no to certain things and yes to others. I will choose to be kind and gentle towards myself. I will expose my weakness through vulnerability and remind myself that I am courageous.

I desire authenticity over perfection. I’m giving myself permission to be weak while reminding myself how strong I am. I will be brazen. I will be unapologetically me.