[Intro] Hello and welcome to Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host Corinne Powell. I'm so glad you're here.

No matter what type of day you're having, you're always welcome. I like having you around. This space is especially designed for the person who goes about life focused on everyone else while neglecting their own needs.

The person who says yes when inwardly they want to say no. The person who is frustrated at all they do because they don't receive much in return. If that's you, I'm going to put out some great ideas on how you can change those patterns and get unstuck.

Life isn't meant to be tolerated. It should be enjoyed. So let's get to it.

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Corinne Powell: Hello there, how are you? So happy that you've joined me once again this week, or if you're here for the very first time, I am thrilled that you've chosen to spend this time with me. And I'm looking forward to what we're gonna talk about today, especially if you were drawn to this episode because you are someone who wants to know how can I handle conflict in a way that supports me? You deserve that.

As we talk about often on Empowered to Thrive, you deserve all the support you offer to others. You deserve all the goodness you offer to others, all the love that you carry in your heart, that you willingly distribute. You also deserve to receive. So how about coming out of people pleasing, being the child who was parentified, who was asked to be a caregiver at too young of an age and given responsibilities that are for adults. How can you navigate conflict in a way that supports you? 

Your tendency might be to want to help everybody figure out how they can be okay. Keep the peace, work through this, in a constructive manner so everyone sees eye to eye, everybody hears everyone else's point, and in the end, we come to this point of agreement. Here's the hard truth. Agreement isn't always the conclusion, and I don't think agreement should be the goal. 

Oftentimes, we're meant to carry differences. And if we listen to each other, we'll probably learn and grow more through the conversation. We'll come to understand the other point of view more. We'll have a fuller perspective because we won't just be seeing in our narrow way, but we'll also be hearing how somebody else thinks, what their pain points are, what's brought them to this place where there's a reason we have the conflict. There's a reason for the disagreement. And I would suggest it's not all a negative thing. To have conflicts and disagreements and reason to work together is actually healthy for us. 

When we are only stuck in our one way of thinking and we bring people around us that all think that same way, that's a dangerous place to be. We do not get this fuller perspective. We don't create empathy in our heart for someone who has a difference of viewpoint. We don't even learn how to see things from various angles because again, we're so stuck on what we think is the one way, the right way. And as I always say, it's very important and it'll be insightful for you to step back and start to witness where did this idea, these underlying beliefs originate for me?

Who else in my family of origin might see things this way or address things this way, handling conflict in a similar manner? Because even though you're your unique self and you do things in the way that you do them, we often and by default pick up what we observe. So what's modeled to us growing through our childhood deeply impacts us. We see the ways people either deal with conflict or don't. We notice the ways that they speak, even their mannerisms. And all of this as a child, we're subconsciously aware of, we're picking it up, and then we're modeling our life after it, because either we highly respect the people that we called our parents or the people we grew up with, or simply the people you hang around with, you become like. 

We say choose our friends wisely because friends rub off on each other and how true it is. I was recently laughing with my husband because one of my children's laugh sounded similar to one of my extended family members' laughs. And I realized, because they've been spending so much time together, they've picked up on this trait. Now, the laugh is wonderful. It gets me giddy. It's that type of laugh that makes you say they're tickled. They're really, really laughing because they genuinely think something is laughable. It's funny to them. So I have no issues with this child having picked up this trait of the other family member, but it just goes to show the people you hang around with without even trying, you're picking up on the ways that they do life. 

So start to reflect on how you navigate conflict and being willing to consider that it's not all you. And maybe there's things that you want to let go of, ways that you want to do conflict differently than your parental figures or other people that modeled it to you. Are you the type of person who when there is a disagreement, you want to get it resolved immediately. There is no time to wait. It's got to be dealt with right away. Are you the one who, when there's a disagreement, wants to bury their head in the sand, walk away, act as if there is no disagreement? Just consider how it is for you. 

Those are just two ideas, two models. There's so many possibilities. And now let's talk about how you can support yourself when you're actually in the conflict. Perhaps one of the most important things for the parentified child, the one who's learned to people please, is to have boundaries in place. And a practical boundary might be if I've had this conversation with this other person in the past and it's brought about no resolution, then I'm not going to have that conversation with them again right now. 

You know in your heart, you know even by observing when somebody's changed and when the conversation will be different than it was previously because they're different. When that person is in the same place they were, they hold the same viewpoints, nothing has changed on their end. To go into that conversation with them will produce the same result. It's not productive and constructive to have conversation, dialogues, where we just loop in the same circle and we've looped in that same circle before and we're doing it again. 

So a boundary is a limitation you place on yourself that you also hold yourself to. You hold yourself accountable for it. You enforce it. Nobody else can ensure that you follow your own boundaries. And boundaries are meant to support us, sometimes to protect us, and to actually benefit our relationship with other people. Because when other people know the limitations we're setting, and they then know how they can interact with us, and we're happier internally and externally, so the relationship feels so much better to us and to them. 

If I'm internally frustrated and resentful towards somebody because I feel like they're not respecting my boundaries, I'm going to interact with them differently. And they're going to feel the tension and the stress, or perhaps if they don't feel it, I'm going to. Somebody's going to notice it. It's going to, even if unnoticed, be affecting the relationship in a detrimental way.

What's another boundary that might be important when we think about this idea of trying to resolve a conflict or having conversations around disagreements? I think knowing what you're willing to tolerate. Sometimes in a heated discourse, people start acting out of their trauma responses. And it's a learned pattern in order to help protect themselves and keep themselves safe. There's always a good reason for it. They learned it during childhood or during a situation where it felt very necessary.

Let me give an example. Say a child knows that when their parent or caregiver starts to talk with them about something they've done wrong, that if that child shares their opinion, shares their perspective, they will get into more trouble. The consequences will be greater. The punishments will be worse. So to protect themselves, they shut their voice down. They say, you know what, I'm not going to have a response to this grownup. I'm just going to let them rant. I'm going to pacify them and agree with them so that I protect myself from the further punishment. 

That is so reasonable. We can sit here and understand why a child would do that. However, if that child's become the adult who when there's a disagreement, they shut their voice down, they suppress their opinions in order to shut the other person up, in order to avoid further disagreement, perhaps they consider that if they speak up and share their opposing opinion, they will destroy the relationship, that there won't be a relationship there and they want that relationship so desperately, they just say, you know what, I'll be the one to comply. I'll be the one to allow this disagreement to dissolve.

Again, we might all say, we see why they do that, but it's not to their benefit now as an adult to shut down their voice and to suppress all their feelings and their emotions. It's harming them and it's harming the relationship. They deserve to see whether that relationship will stand even when there's a difference of opinion. And if that relationship cannot tolerate both parties being able to freely express themselves, then I would suggest the relationship should dissolve. In relationships, two parties should be able to both express themselves, share differences of opinions, and still carry on the relationship. We should be able to enjoy our relationships, not go about them in fear, afraid of if I show who I authentically am, if I express myself in my true colors, I will be ostracized, I will be cut off, the relationship will end, or I'll be treated with punishment and mistreated. 

Because if those things are going to happen, then you deserve better than that. That is not the type of relationship that is beneficial and healthy and right to you. So boundaries, understanding, starting to recognize and decide what boundaries are important for you, what boundaries are supportive to you before you go into these conversations, before you start addressing the differences in your perspectives is going to be key. And then navigating conversations with people initially that you feel the most comfortable and the safest with. 

People who you know that you have differences of opinion, but they're a person who's willing to still listen to someone with a different opinion. It's going to be really important to practice with them. Because if this is uncomfortable and unfamiliar with you, you don't want to jump into these conversations with people who are very aggressive. You can think about the person in your family who it doesn't matter what you say, they only hold to their point of view. They never see it from your side and they never change their perspective. Don't start by engaging with them because it's only going to solidify your underlying beliefs that would say, see, it's not worth it. I knew I shouldn't have spoken up. All right, because that's not the person who's going to be affected by you sharing your opinion. They're just stuck in their own stuff. So try this out. Start to get a little bit more familiar with sharing your opinion with someone who's safe enough to do it.

And as I say every time, because it feels so true, there's so much more we could talk about on this topic. on Empowered to Thrive, I'm always seeking to keep episodes short but I want these to be episodes that you can listen to if you're a busy parent, if you're a busy business owner. I want them to be something that leaves you with food for thought and gives you tools to be able to implement where you hear what we're talking about, but then you don't just hear it. You actually do something with what you're hearing. So I'm going to wrap it up there. I always am interested to hear your feedback. 

So please find me and share your thoughts, share your questions. I'm very interested in them. And this also could be an opportunity to further any topic here on the podcast. Thanks for joining me. I hope that you have the best day you can. I know you might be in the middle of some really stressful, difficult times.

Just getting through them may be the only thing you can expect of yourself right now. And so if that's where you find yourself, I still hope you have the best day possible. I hope that your day and the week ahead is better than expected. And if I can be a support to you in a practical way, I am here very interested in offering that to you.

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[Outro] We've come to the end of another episode. I'm so glad you stuck around. As you consider what you've heard, what's the one thing that especially resonated with you? What's one way you can start to implement change into your life? Too much too soon isn't sustainable.

Start small and go slow. Consistency is key. If you appreciate what you're hearing on Empower to Thrive, would you kindly leave me a review and rate my podcast? It helps a lot.

I hope you'll share the episode with a friend and come back next week. And don't forget, I'm so glad you're alive.