[Intro] Hello and welcome to Empowered to Thrive. I'm your host Corinne Powell. I'm so glad you're here.

No matter what type of day you're having, you're always welcome. I like having you around. This space is especially designed for the person who goes about life focused on everyone else while neglecting their own needs.

The person who says yes when inwardly they want to say no. The person who is frustrated at all they do because they don't receive much in return. If that's you, I'm going to put out some great ideas on how you can change those patterns and get unstuck.

Life isn't meant to be tolerated. It should be enjoyed. So let's get to it.

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Corinne Powell: Hello there. Today it's all about boundaries. I hope you're doing well. I know for many of us, seven days carries with it a lot. So I don't know what the last seven days have been like for you, but I do hope you're doing well.

When you think about boundaries, is it something that's challenging for you or does it come easy? One of the main things I wanna start with is that boundaries are not dependent on someone else. We create the boundaries that we think are best for us - and not that they will always be needed. Boundaries can change. Sometimes they're actually exclusive to a certain season you're in. But boundaries are what we enforced. So it's not about what somebody else does, how they respect us. It's what do we need and how will we see to it that we ensure that happens.

For example, if I feel that I need extra rest, I have to decide what time I need to go to bed at night. And then it's my responsibility to ensure my phone is on silent or turned off. That if I don't do either of those things, I disregard text messages and calls that might come in. If I go out in the evening, it's my responsibility to ensure that I leave at the time I need to, to get home and to get ready so that I can be in bed at the time that I've set. It's my responsibility to make sure that I enforce that boundary that feels necessary to have. 

Perhaps in another season of your life, getting to bed at a certain time won't be as important. Maybe you won't have young children waking you up in the morning. Maybe your work schedule will be different and your lifestyle may be different. So then you can have a different boundary.

Other times, the boundaries that we place are to ensure that other people respect us in the way that we need. Perhaps there's been someone in your life who asks things of you that feel too much or they don't treat you or speak to you in a respectful way. What can you do about that?

Your boundary might be that I'm not going to spend time around this person, or I will limit the time I spend with them. If they start to treat me in a way that feels disrespectful and I remind them “That feels disrespectful to me. Would you be able to say it differently? Or can we pause on this conversation and do something else together?” If then they don't change, they keep talking to you in that sort of way, whatever continues on that you felt uncomfortable with, it's your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation. You can do that calmly. You can do that in all sorts of ways. That's up to you.

You can say, “Hey, I'm going to get going. I asked that we pause on this conversation and you're not willing to do that. I asked that you not speak to me that way and you're not willing to do that. So I'm going to head out”. Or you might know from that interaction that you need to create space in your relationship. And for the time being, you're not going to spend time together. That is all up to you. It's your responsibility. We cannot determine what someone else will do. We are not responsible for what someone else will do. We are responsible to make sure we meet our needs and ensure our own level of safety, whatever that means to you.

Now, if you're a parent like myself, it is our responsibility to ensure that our children have their needs met and are safe. Sometimes we have to set boundaries for our children and we have to help enforce those boundaries because they are not at the age where they're able to do that. Or other people won't respect them because they're a child. So we step in and we enforce whatever that boundary is.

Boundaries may feel like limitations at times. They may feel like ways to serve and protect ourself. Boundaries are a way to support ourselves. They're a way to come alongside and make sure we meet our own needs. And for those like myself, who have been the parentified child, the one who met the needs of their parents and perhaps their family members and their own needs were not being met, we have to work extra hard to meet our own needs because we are really practiced at meeting the needs of other people. So when you're really practiced at one way of living that's not supporting you, you have to practice another way of living that will support you better.

That goes the same for the person who feels like they're a people pleaser. And they're just always looking to see what are the needs of others? How can I meet those needs? How can I keep the peace? What do I need to do and how do I need to change and reshape myself so that other people are happy? Boundaries are not about that. Boundaries are going to mean you have to look inward. You have to consider what are my needs? You have to witness how other people interact with you and how you allow other people to treat you. 

Because sometimes it's us allowing someone else to speak disrespectfully to us. We don't remove ourselves from the situation or we continue to stay in close relationship with that person. When we have another choice, we have another option. Are we taking it? The power is in your hands. It's yours. What will you do with it?

Now there may be those of you who are listening, thinking actually about the relationship you have with your parents, how you have been the child who's done far more for your parents than you feel you should. And it's really hard to set those limitations with them. And you actually feel that you start to get very weak when you interact with them. You came in with a mindset that you were gonna stand up for yourself.

If you were going to say no to things and you were going to have boundaries. And then you got around that person and you started to feel weak and your voice left you. And the strength you carried in feels like it's gone. And you don't know how to follow through with what you were so determined to do previous to getting in the door with that person or to getting on the phone.

At times it's necessary to drastically change the dynamic of the relationship, to not have communication, to not have physical interactions. This can be the hardest, most heart -wrenching decision to make and yet it may be necessary. Only you will know. I am sitting here as an outside person. I'm not in your shoes. I'm not living your life. I bring this up because sometimes it is what we need to do. And so I mention it in case it's what you personally are needing to do. In that, want you to know that it might feel wrong, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. It might feel rude and disrespectful, harsh and uncaring. And yet if we set back and we consider the scene, who has been the one that's been rude and uncaring? Who has been disrespectful of your needs? Has it been you all along or has it been that other person?

That's a painful reality too, isn't it? When we want to think the best of someone and yet the reality is this person has not been treating us in a way that we deserve, in a way that's kind, in a way that's caring.

I'm not here shaming the other person. That's not what this is about. It's truly about taking a hard look within and without and discovering what are the ways you can stand and support yourself. What are the ways you can honor your needs? Finally, you deserve that. You have always deserved that. And now is the time. Because there will never feel like a right time, a good time. It's always going to be difficult and hard. If you're changing a pattern, that comes with it a natural resistance. And as you go along and you do change that pattern, there will be an inner satisfaction. That is so wonderful.

I can't describe it for you. You have to experience it. It is so satisfying to say no to something when that's what you've been wanting to do all along. To speak your mind and actually share your honest opinion when you've been wanting to for so long. It is so empowering to follow through with the boundary that you wish you had been able to put in place in the past that you thought I should do this.

Think about the time that the person just holds you on the phone and you feel like you're just trapped on that phone call and you finally say, you know what, I have to go, I'm hanging up now. And you actually do it. It's so satisfying, even though it's uncomfortable, it feels rude. For the times when your limitations have not been respected. And so you say, you know what, the person that did not respect my limitations the last time, I'm not getting together with this time or I'm not inviting them over. I'm creating space and distance in our relationship. It is so satisfying to do that because you are finally taking care of yourself. You're finally doing what you've longed that other people would do for you. 

We cannot make anyone else do something. We can ensure that we do those things for ourselves though. What is it? Reflect. What is it that you've been wishing other people would do for you? Perhaps your parents, your friends, other family members, the person at the grocery store. What have you been wishing and longing that they would do for you? And how can you do that for yourself? Take some time to journal, to consider and reflect, and then don't stop there. 

Boundaries are about acting. It doesn't need to look big and explosive. It can be very gentle, very quiet. But you will feel the difference within yourself. And over time, it will become easier. It will become a pattern and a lifestyle practice that will not be so thought out and so challenging. It will be natural to you. And then in another season of your life, you may need to reflect and consider what new boundaries do I need to place? And those might feel difficult again to do. And those will get easier over time. That's how it goes. Anytime a muscle is weak, the more you strengthen it, the easier it becomes to do what previously felt hard. It's the same with with any new practice. 

I'm here with an open hand ready to offer you support if that's what you would like. Please reach out and go to my website to set up a discovery call, changeradically.com. It's as easy as clicking a button, filling out a short form and you're gonna select a date and time that works well for you. There's no cost involved. We'll spend 30 minutes together and I'll hear about what your needs are. And I will share with you about how I can support you if I feel that I can support you. And then we can get into what that might look like, the practicals. But I personalize my support to your needs. 

And I hope that you will reflect and consider on what boundaries you need to place and start with one new boundary. Don't begin with 10. You can list 10 but only start with one. If there's a certain relationship you need to distance yourself from and that feels most important right now, then start with that one.

If you are exhausted and you need to figure out how to get yourself more rest, be very practical and start small and set a plan in place that you can follow through with and then just focus on that. What is the one primary area that feels the most urgent or most important for right now? And start to practice boundaries in that place. And then as that gets easier and it becomes a regular pattern for you, you can practice another new boundary. If you begin with too many, it's going to be very hard to sustain that. 

And in the end, you're not going to be any better off. If you grow in strengthening yourself in one area, you're going to feel more charged up to do the same in another area down the road. So I'm close by should you need me, I'm rooting for you and I'm in it doing it right alongside you.

[Outro] We've come to the end of another episode. I'm so glad you stuck around. As you consider what you've heard, what's the one thing that especially resonated with you? What's one way you can start to implement change into your life? Too much too soon isn't sustainable.

Start small and go slow. Consistency is key. If you appreciate what you're hearing on Empower to Thrive, would you kindly leave me a review and rate my podcast? It helps a lot.

I hope you'll share the episode with a friend and come back next week. And don't forget, I'm so glad you're alive.